


Patience Makes the Perfect Crime

by justabensonfanatic



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:15:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 53,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25576426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabensonfanatic/pseuds/justabensonfanatic
Summary: "Amanda stared up at the mugshot on the corkboard. 'We need to look at this from a different perspective. One where instead of a lucky bastard, he's a calculating bastard.'" What if Lewis had been smarter when he escaped? A new take on a Lewis escapes story but he's patient and the squad isn't unrealistically incompetent. Season 15 no Beast's Obsession, no Cassidy. Essentially completed, may add a chapter or two at some point.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. Drowned Out

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting on AO3 so here's hoping I did it right! This story is also posted on FF.net. Hope you guys like it! -JustaBensonFanatic

**Chapter 1. Drowned Out**

3 days. It had been 3 days since his escape and still no sign of Lewis. It was all she could think about as Olivia stared blankly at her TV screen, wrapping her arms around herself as if that could somehow keep her from falling apart. The colors on her screen made strange shadows on the walls and floors but these were harmless compared to the noises the TV drowned out.

The night after she received the phone call, Nick had insisted on coming over and sleeping on the couch. She had protested rather feebly that he didn't have to do that, that she had a protective detail parked outside, but secretly she was relieved. Relieved until later that night when she had woken up with a cry, hearing Nicks footsteps ( _please god, don't be his footsteps_ ). Relieved until the panic led to shame which led to yelling at her friend while a small part of her whispered _He didn't do anything wrong_ as he hastily made his retreat. Relieved until the door closed shut and silence fell.

She could suddenly hear everything. Every creak of her floorboards, the humming of her fridge, the sounds of cars outside, the whine of a far off siren, all of these noises threatening to send her back to the beach house, her old apartment, the Miller's house. Her hands had been violently shaking as she finally grabbed her remote and turned on her TV. Since that night, the only time her TV wasn't on was when she was at the precinct.

She had been at the precinct when she got the video call. She had stared mutely at his grinning face, hearing his voice taunting her, telling her how much he missed her. It had taken everything she had not to throw her phone across the room when the call ended. Instead, she found herself knocking on her captain's door, watching the smile slide off his face as she said the two words she never thought she would have to say. "He escaped."

_Stop it. Don't think about that_. Olivia buried her head between her knees. God, her head hurt. She almost found herself wishing for something to happen, to get it over with because as much as she wished Lewis had cut his losses and gotten the hell out of dodge, she had a feeling she wasn't going to be that lucky.

* * *

Nick was having trouble falling asleep. Again. Every time he felt himself dozing off, he remembered Olivia's face as she screamed at him to leave her apartment. He had been getting a drink of water when he heard her muffled cry. He had immediately frozen, indecisive about whether or not he should knock on the door to see if he could help when she threw open the door and cringed away at the sight of him. He had watched as a flicker of recognition crossed her face and the fear in her eyes turned to relief. Then the tears had started. He could almost feel the waves of embarrassment and shameful anger that had overtaken her. Next thing he knew she was yelling at him to leave, cussing him out for scaring her as he scrambled to get his things.

He knew his presence had probably triggered her so it was best to leave but he still felt like an ass for abandoning her. The next morning she had come into the precinct acting as nothing happened. He had followed her lead. God, he couldn't even imagine how she was feeling right now.

Nick groaned and turned to lay flat out on his bed staring at the ceiling as he remembered his partner's face when the captain told her she couldn't get too involved with the investigation. Her face had turned red as she spat out "It's Lewis. I'm always going to be 'too involved' whether I want to be or not." Officially, New York state troopers were leading the case, but while they and the squad had managed to piece together his escape, Lewis's trail had run cold. For all they knew, he could be in Canada by now. But that phone call to Liv... he hoped that was just to scare her.

They were arraigning the jury forewoman for assisting his escape, but beyond spiking Lewis's cupcakes, his gut and the 9-hour long interrogation said she didn't know what he planned to do on the outside. They had talked to Lewis's cellmate and anyone in Rikers he so much as looked at twice but apparently he was as much a loner in prison as when he was free. They had limited information about where he went and what resources he had. Unfortunately, they knew he had the DOC officer's gun and handcuffs. It was missing when they found his body along with a nurse raped and strung up in the closet. They followed his trail to the home of the nurse to find the house ransacked and her car abandoned. A canvas of the area turned up nothing, but a BOLO was out for a car reported missing a couple of blocks down. After that... nothing.

As Nick turned back on his side running his hands down his face, he wondered exactly how long they would have to wait for that nothing to become something.

* * *

Frustration gnawed at his insides every second he waited. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel. Hiding out, laying low, felt wrong. But he reminded himself that he was learning from his mistakes, he was being smart. He smirked thinking that every day of waiting was another day she spent agonizing over where he was. And hopefully another day NYPD thought he had given up and run. His eyes darkened. As if he would let her walk away.

Besides, he had let off some steam with that sweet nurse, and destroying her home, taking what he needed, had been cathartic enough to hold him over. For now. Before he had smashed the nurse's computer, he had looked at some areas with cabins upstate but he knew when it came down to it, he'd rely on his gut. But still, there was no harm in some preparation which is how Lewis found himself driving away from the city, away from her.

He was hoping he'd bought himself some time to look around; before Lewis had dumped the neighbor's car, he'd swapped its plates. Now the neighbor's plates were on a car of a similar model that someone would hopefully drive off in taking the NYPD with them. He was now driving along a winding road in some old car he'd found on an empty street with a For Sale sign on it. It would likely be a while before it was reported missing.

A small jolt as the car ran over a branch shook him out of his brooding. A while back the roads had started to get bumpy but now he was reaching gravel roads that looked like they hadn't seen a car in months. He could feel it in his bones. The place he'd been dreaming of, hoping for was near.


	2. Shadows

**Chapter 2. Shadows**

After a week without a sign of William Lewis, Olivia was really starting to get annoyed with her protective detail.

"Captain, please. There's been no sign of him for a week now. I understand if you want a patrol car on my block when I'm home but c'mon I can handle myself. He'd be stupid to do anything in broad daylight anyway and when I'm not here, I have Nick during the day. I doubt 1PP wants to spend any more unnecessary manpower on this guy."

Her captain sighed. "I'm going to have to agree with you. I'll pull the protective detail but you will have a patrol car on your block at night. No discussions. He was smart, had us chasing some unlucky bastard when he swapped those plates. We're all hoping he's ran but I'm worried he's evolving, getting smarter. I'll rest easy when he's behind bars again or dead. I worry about you."

Olivia's expression softened "I know you do. I'm fine and I'll be fine. Sure, he was smart this one time but the Lewis I know doesn't preplan, he's reckless. If he was coming for me something would have already happened, right? Odds are he used that trick to skip town." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as him but her anxiety at the idea of a smart Lewis clouded her face.

Cragen looked a little surprised at her optimism. "Yeah, he could've. But still, be vigilant."

"Of course."

Nick was surprised to see Olivia leaving the captain's office with a smile, albeit a strained one, and watched as she turned to say a few words to the men who had been tailing her for a week. They nodded and stepped into Cragen's office. "What was that all about?"

"There's been no sign of Lewis for a week now, Nick. Captain's going to pull my protective detail."

"Really?" Nick's eyes widened. "Are you sure that's a good idea Liv?"

Olivia's eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms. "Hey, I never wanted them in the first place and I can protect myself, Amaro. I know everyone's worried but I'm fine."

"Look, I never said you couldn't take care of yourself Liv. I'm just trying to look out for my partner."

She rolled her eyes, "And I appreciate it but can we just drop it for now? Please?" she pleaded.

Nick noted the bags under her eyes and the tension she was holding in her shoulders. It hit him how much she needed to believe Lewis had run. He sighed, "Yeah sure Liv."

She sank into her desk chair and felt some of the weight that had been crushing her lift off her shoulders. Having a protective detail had only added to her stress, had only served to remind her that her attacker was free and likely still fixed on breaking her. Her nightmares had come back in full force and she hadn't slept through the night once since that call. It didn't help that she had been forced into desk duty. She couldn't even do her job because of him, another reminder of the pull he had over every aspect of her life. _Don't catastrophize_ , she scolded herself. Her thoughts were interrupted as Fin and Rollins walked into the squad room.

Fin looked around before turning to Olivia with a smile. "Hey Liv, I almost didn't recognize you with one shadow instead of three! What'd you do with your little band?"

"Oh, you know. We broke up." She smirked. "Creative differences and all."

"Ah of course. Not everyone is into heavy metal like you baby girl," he teased.

Olivia grinned as Rollins turned to her and joked "Don't worry Liv, if anyone can make it solo, it's you."

"Yeah, just promise me when you make it big you won't forget us little people." Nick said dramatically.

"Oh don't worry, I won't forget you cause you'll be my backup dancer, ain't that right partner?" Olivia replied. Everyone laughed and Olivia felt a lightness she hadn't felt in a while as she looked at her coworkers.

"Hey wait, does no protective detail mean you're off ass duty?" Fin asked.

She groaned, "No, not yet at least."

Rollins grimaced sympathetically, "Ah, well, maybe that's for the best considering."

She felt like she'd been punched. Reality had come crashing down and it was written all over her face. For a second there as everyone was joking, everything had felt normal, **she** had felt normal. She had to get out of here. "Yeah, whatever," she mumbled and stood up, "If you'll excuse me."

Rollins felt a stab of guilt as the detectives watched their sergeant's retreating back.

"If I ever see that son of a bitch's face ever again…" Fin growled softly. Everyone knew what he meant.

"Not if I beat you to it." Rollins agreed coldly.

* * *

Lewis was surprised to see Olivia without her shadows. He'd started following her yesterday and was annoyed to see she still had what appeared to be a protective detail, but I guess she managed to convince someone she didn't need them. He smirked. That would make things easier.

He looked around quickly, making sure no one was paying too much attention to his car. Good God, the rush he felt knowing he was right under the NYPD's noses was intoxicating. He watched as she got in her car relishing the way she had checked the back making sure he wasn't waiting for her. He amused himself by imagining what her face would look like if he had been waiting for her in the back ready to take what was his. He turned the car on and pulled out into traffic to follow her from a distance. He couldn't ruin things by making her suspicious too soon.

When she arrived at her apartment he pulled over a way back and watched as she walked over to a car sitting directly in front of her building to talk to the driver. _I bet that's a patrol car,_ he thought bitterly to himself. It was too risky to stay now. He'd have to find another way to get to her.

After he had found the derelict cabin, he had slowly started to stockpile the supplies he needed using the cash he'd found in the nurse's house making trips to gas stations and hardware stores at small, sleepy towns along the border. If he got unlucky and was recognized, their locations could support the theory he was running, he hoped. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he would either have to knock Olivia out quickly or come up with some way to get her to come along willingly. And whatever he was going to do, it had to be soon. The longer he waited around, the more likely it was that someone could spot him. It was time to get planning.


	3. Waited

**Chapter 3. Waited**

Lewis was getting increasingly impatient. Since he had started following her, she spent every day either in the precinct or in her apartment with that patrol car out in front. He had briefly considered killing her fucking watchdogs and taking her right there in her apartment but there were too many variables at play. He didn't even know her apartment number. Goddamnit, he needed her to slip up or he would.

He relied on the large coat and baseball hat to provide him with anonymity as he sat near the café on the corner, watching the precinct doors. Posing as a homeless man had allowed for him to blend in; people avoided him and the kind fools who didn't he put off by the racking coughs he started up as soon as he saw someone approach. He had been so wrapped up in his latest performance for an older man that he almost missed it when Olivia and her partner stepped out onto the street and headed towards a car. He felt giddy, adrenaline flooding his body. This was the first time he'd seen her leave the precinct before 5 o'clock. This was his chance! He stood up and turned the corner where he had parked his car quickly unlocking it and jumping in He started it up just in time to see them drive by, Olivia in the passenger seat. He felt the cool rush of power as he turned onto the street and followed them. This was it. He was finally going to have her.

* * *

Olivia's voice was strained as she once again found herself in Cragen's office. She gripped the chair in front of Cragen's desk, her knuckles white as she pleaded. "You have to let me do my job, Captain. Lewis is gone, it's been almost two weeks of nothing! You gotta trust me and you can't keep me riding my desk forever. At least let me follow up on this alibi with Nick."

Cragen looked into the eyes of his number 2 and saw the frustration that had clearly been building up to this moment. "Olivia…" he said in a soft voice.

"Please don't 'Olivia' me right now Captain. You know I'm right. There's no reason I should still be on desk duty after this long. Let me do my job. Please."

Cragen let out a long sigh as he took in her irate expression and grudgingly agreed. "Fine. Please don't make me regret this. Be safe, okay? Now go. Do what you do best."

Olivia's face broke out into a huge smile. "Oh, Captain, thank you. Hopefully, we'll catch this son of a bitch in a lie." She opened the door and motioned at Nick, "Amaro and I will head out right now."

She felt incredibly relieved as she grabbed her things, telling Amaro that he was driving. Now that she wasn't on desk duty anymore she finally got a sense that things were getting back to normal. As they drove off, she and Nick talked through their current case; they both had a feeling there was more to this perps story. They were going to talk to the buddy he was supposedly with during the time of the assault and came up with a game plan just in case the guy felt some sense of loyalty to the bastard.

As they walked up to the busy outdoor restaurant where the guy waited tables, neither of them noticed the tall man in the large coat standing nearby.

Olivia walked up to the counter where the hostess was taking a call and writing something down. She put up her finger indicating that she'd be right with them. As she put down the phone she said, "Sorry about that. Hello, my name is Jennifer, welcome to the Copper Crown Bistro, how can I help you?"

Nick pulled out his badge, "Hi, yes, we're actually here looking for a Mr. Reilly Walton? We just need to speak to him quickly."

She looked surprised. "Uh yeah, sure, um give me just a second." She turned and scanned the restaurant quickly. "Oh, there he is, the one with the short black hair. Let me go get him."

"Oh, you know what, that's no problem," Olivia jumped in quickly, "We can go talk to him, thank you for your help."

"Uh, yeah sure. You're welcome."

Olivia and Nick headed over to Reilly who had started looking over at them nervously. As Nick took out his badge again and started to ask "Are you Reilly Walton?" Reilly bolted.

He pushed past a coworker holding a pitcher of water causing the water to spill onto a nearby table as he jumped over the barrier between the outdoor seating and the sidewalk. People shrieked as they were either soaked in cold water or knocked aside when Olivia and Nick took off after him. Reilly darted into the crowded street taking advantage of the many tourists and New Yorkers out enjoying the surprisingly warm weather. He appeared to be heading towards the nearest subway entrance that was around the corner and down a block or two.

Olivia yelled over to Nick, "You go after him, I'm going to try and cut him off before he reaches the subway!"

Nick was already in pursuit as he yelled over his shoulder, "Good idea, go! Go!"

She was getting the car keys out of her pocket and rushing towards the car when she ran hard into a man's body. As she was almost knocked off her feet, she dropped her keys and the man grabbed her arms to stop her from falling. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, thank you!" she exclaimed. As she started to get her bearings, she reached down to grab the keys when the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. Something smelled… like him. Everything seemed to slow down and her throat reflexively starting closing up as she heard the man say "No need to apologize ma'am. I'm just glad I caught you." She gasped and shot up, keys forgotten, as she stared into the grinning face of William Lewis.

* * *

Lewis pulled over out of sight of the little restaurant. He turned the corner leaning on the building and watched as Olivia and Nick entered the restaurant. He watched as she spoke to the hostess. As the detectives strode into the outdoor patio area, chaos broke out as one man jumped the barrier and another spilled water all over a family of 5. As the detectives pushed through the restaurant after the man who ran, his gut screamed at him that this was it. He couldn't believe his luck as the pair ran straight at him, oblivious to his presence. He pushed off away from the building as he heard her yell to her partner. She wasn't looking where she was going as she turned, scrambling to get her keys out of her pocket. She ran towards him. _1… 2…3… Now_ , he thought as he took a solid step to the left, directly in her path. And then all he could feel was her. All he could focus on as he heard her frantic apology— _oh god I'll make her say I'm sorry_ —was how her body felt pressed up to his. As she started leaning back, about to fall he grabbed her arms. _Oh, you're not getting away this time_. As he let go, she righted herself and bent over to grab her keys. He looked around quickly. No one was watching thanks to the water-soaked family screaming in the restaurant. He pulled his gun out from his waistband, keeping his hand concealed by his jacket.

"No need to apologize ma'am." He watched as her body tensed up. "I'm just glad I caught you."


	4. I won't hesitate

**Chapter 4. I won't hesitate**

_"No need to apologize ma'am." He watched as her body tensed up. "I'm just glad I caught you."_

* * *

Olivia was shellshocked, staring into the face of the beast. _Oh my god is this real?_ Her hand immediately went to her hip but she froze when she felt the cold metal of a gun barrel touch her arm.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he warned, his voice quiet and his eyes dark. "You know me, Olivia. I won't hesitate to shoot civilians."

Her eyes darted from the restaurant to the crowded street. No one was looking at them. Her mind was racing trying to think of how to disarm him without anyone else getting hurt. She had to convince him. Her mouth opened.

"No Olivia. Keep that sweet mouth of yours shut and come with me. Remember, one move, lights out."

Sweat was dripping down her back and her knees almost buckled. One of his hands held the gun which he positioned between their bodies, effectively hiding it with his large coat. His other hand moved quickly as he wrapped his arm around her waist. She felt that hand grip the gun in her holster while the other pressed the cold barrel of his gun into her side. He turned the corner out of sight of the restaurant and started leading them to his car. He now spoke at a normal volume, half dragging her to the passenger door.

"You know it was so crazy bumping into you. Or rather, you bumping into me." He opened the passenger door and looked down at her. "I've always said you'd run back to me." She glared at him as he nodded his head towards the passenger seat. When she didn't move to sit down, he spoke again, his voice full of mock sympathy. "Are you sure you're okay, you had a close call there. Here let me help you. You remember how helpful I can be, right Olivia?" Olivia recognized the threatening tone and moved to sit down. As she sat he leaned in and whispered in her ear. "You try anything, **anything**? I'll shoot up everyone in this cute little restaurant. Got it?"

Olivia could barely get the words out. "Got it." She watched as he made his way towards the driver's seat. He had taken her gun out of the holster as he "helped" her into the car. She cursed herself as she realized she had left her phone in the car. She was unarmed with no way to contact her squad, and she had no doubts he wouldn't follow through with his threat. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since Nick had taken off, she prayed Reilly was a slow runner. If Olivia had any luck, he was heading back her way.

Lewis opened the door and slid into the seat, keeping one gun pointed at Olivia. She watched him warily as she considered her options. She could try to grab the gun or escape the car, maybe catch someone's attention. She was screwed. In either scenario, she was sure to end up with several bullets to the chest and would be taking down innocent civilians with her. The door closed. Lewis leaned over and pressed his gun into her side as he reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a pair of handcuffs. He winked at her.

"Just in case you decide to be naughty. Now give me your wrists."

Olivia's mind rebelled the act of submitting and giving herself up to Lewis but she didn't know what else she could do. The longer she resisted, the darker his face grew. Just as he was going to threaten her again she held out her wrists. He quickly cuffed one of her hands making sure the metal closed uncomfortably tight around her wrist before guiding the other cuff through the door handle of the passenger seat. He closed the metal around her other wrist effectively cuffing her to the passenger door.

"There we go. As good as we can get for now. And I'll remind you, you try anything while I'm driving and I'll use pedestrians for target practice. Cars can be very dangerous you know."

He started up the car and turned onto the busy street.

"You won't get away with this Lewis." Olivia glanced out the window as he drove, trying to see if there were still people around.

Lewis felt a stab of irritation. "Well, well, well, look who found her voice!" His tone grew suggestive, "I've missed that voice, Olivia, and so much more." He grinned at her. He took a quick turn causing her to groan as the handcuffs pulled her wrists. In the back of his mind, he knew he needed to pull over soon before she would inevitably try something. He just wanted to get as far away from that restaurant as possible. Who knew when her idiot partner would get back. He needed her out of commission until he got them to the cabin. His irritation grew, hating how nervous he felt. Fuck this. He never felt nervous.

She shuddered and turned away from him. "Shut up Lewis. Just shut up."

"What did you just say to me?" Lewis's anger flared with hot intensity.

Olivia just groaned and continued to stare out the window, tugging at her cuffs.

Her attitude tipped him over the edge. "You know what? Fine. I was going to drive a bit farther first but fuck it."

Before she knew what was happening, Lewis slammed on the breaks causing her to slide forward and hit her head on the glove compartment. He pulled over and threw the car into park while she was dazed before he slammed his fist into her face. All she saw was white as she started screaming. She instinctively tried to pull her hands up to shield her face only to be stopped by the handcuffs. Lewis jumped at her scream, eyes darting out the windows as he slammed his arm against her neck, effectively cutting off her voice.

"Shut. UP!" Lewis continued to press his weight into her neck pinning her to the window as she tried desperately to kick him off. Her eyes started bulging; she was still trying to pull her hands up to scratch at him in vain. She was starting to see spots when he pushed himself off of her. She desperately tried to remember how to breathe as he grabbed a bottle of vodka and some pills out of a bag in the back seat. She had just managed to suck in a deep breath when he shoved some pills in her mouth only to be followed predictably with vodka. She starting choking, desperately trying to spit out the pills but he clamped his hand over her mouth and plugged her nose while hissing at her to swallow. After Olivia got it down she laid there gasping, her body shaking from her racking coughs as Lewis reached in the back and took out a roll of duct tape. As he leaned towards her with it, she threw herself backward, cringing away from him, shaking her head back and forth.

"No, no, no, no, no, I'll be quiet, I promise I'll be quiet!" she begged tears in her eyes. The thought of her breathing being restricted once more was too much to bear.

Lewis rolled his eyes but seemed incredibly amused with her pleading. "Relax sweetheart, this is for your legs. Can't have you kicking me again. I want to talk to you before you pass out, however long that takes." He leaned over, tore off a long piece, and started wrapping duct tape around her legs. Once he was satisfied she wouldn't be kicking him any time soon, he pulled her back up into a sitting position.

"Alright then. I'm satisfied. Off we go."


	5. Patience

**Chapter 5. Patience**

Nick tore off after Reilly, breathing hard as he rounded the corner. His eyes were immediately drawn to his quickly retreating back as Reilly got closer and closer to the subway entrance. _C'mon Olivia any time now_ , Nick thought and then groaned internally as Reilly dashed down the subway entrance steps. He raced down after him, knowing that Olivia would be right behind any second now. As he reached the bottom of the steps he noticed a commotion as people jumped away from Reilly's speeding form, cursing.

He was slowly gaining on him as Reilly turned a corner. When Nick reached the corner he was suddenly faced with a crowd of people. His eyes swept over the crowd looking for any sign of Reilly when he saw him breathing hard and attempting to duck his head and blend in with the crowd. Their eyes met briefly and Reilly frantically glanced around before he evidently decided he wasn't going anywhere. As Nick stalked over towards him, he brought his hands up, a nervous expression on his face, saying "Officer, please, I can explain…"

Nick's eyes narrowed at him as he grabbed his arm, "Yeah, I'm sure you can, why don't we do that down at the station. Are you going to come willingly this time?" Reilly nodded profusely. "C'mon then."

Nick couldn't concentrate on Reilly's nervous excuses about why he ran as he searched the crowd for his partner. As they reached the top of the stairs, keeping a firm grip on Reilly's arm, he felt a stab of worry noticing that neither Olivia nor the car was anywhere near the subway entrance. Maybe she got held back by some people at the restaurant? But that seemed unlikely. As he started walking them back towards the restaurant at a faster pace than he normally would, he pulled out his phone and dialed Liv.

"Hey wait, slow down man," Reilly complained.

Nick listened as the phone kept dialing, "Look, dude, if I were you I wouldn't be complaining after you made a cop run after you for no damn reason. Quit whining and keep up will you?" As his call went to voicemail, Nick rounded the corner to see their car sitting right where they parked it. There was no sign of Olivia. _What the fuck?_ Now his worry was starting to grow into full-blown panic. He stalked over to the car dragging Reilly and looked in. No Olivia. And the car was still locked.

He turned to Reilly and said in a harsh tone, "I'm going to leave you next to the car to find my partner. If you even try to move, I don't care how, I will track you down and make sure your ass goes straight to jail and stays there, do you understand me?"

Reilly's eyes widened as he put his hands up, "Yeah, sure dude. I won't move."

Nick tried dialing Liv's phone again as he looked around. He heard the faint sound of a ring tone coming from the car. _Damnit her phone's in the car. Where are you, Olivia?_ As he canceled the call, he walked back towards the restaurant. She wasn't there. _Fuck!_ As his panic gnawed at his insides, he pulled up his captain's contact info and called.

"Hey Amaro, what's the matter?" His captain sounded apprehensive.

Nick sounded frantic, speaking a mile a minute, "Captain, the guy who was supposed to alibi our perp bolted when he saw us coming so Liv and I split up and I chased the guy and she was going to cut him off before he reached the subway but she never came and now I'm back at the restaurant with the guy and the car is still here and locked and I can't find Liv and she left her phone in the car—"

"Woah, Woah, Nick slow down. What are you saying? Where's Olivia?"

"I don't know!" he yelled, as several heads turned towards his raised voice. "She's gone." Nick turned around, ignoring the stares of curious restaurant patrons. When he looked down at the sidewalk his stomach dropped as he saw them. "Oh my god, Captain. The keys. The car keys. They're here on the ground. Something bad must've happened to her. She would never just drop the keys and wander off."

He heard the captain draw in a quick breath. "Damn. Okay. Nick, you know the drill. Call for back up, I'll be right there with the squad. You need to shut down the perimeter, see if there were any witnesses."

Nick breathed out hard. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I got this. See you soon Cap."

Cragen's voice was serious. "We're gonna find her Nick. We have to."

* * *

Olivia's pounding head was starting to swim. She tasted blood in her mouth as she ran her tongue against her cracked lip and winced. While she was relieved that Lewis wasn't going to duct tape her mouth, she knew that nothing came for free. She was trading in the ability to breathe freely for emotional pain.

Lewis looked over at Olivia, who was determinedly ignoring his gaze and began to speak.

"You should feel special, Olivia. I've never cared enough about one of my girls to really sit down and plan all the ways I could take them. Before you, I knew if it came down to it, I could just kill the girl and get out of there. But with you?" his eyes darkened and were filled with lust. "Oh Olivia, I'm going to need so much time with you." He placed his hand on her thigh and she groaned and tried to pull away, the alcohol and pills starting to slow her body down. He laughed softly at her and continued.

"Have you ever gone to prison, Olivia? There's nothing but time for your thoughts there." His hand gripped her thigh harder. "In my mind, there's not an inch of your body I haven't touched."

That was too much for her. She leaned over and gagged. His hand slid further up her thigh.

"Waiting for the right moment has been the biggest test of my patience, I think. When we get where we're going, I'm going to have to let off some of this pent up aggression." She grimaced at the thought. His eyes narrowed. "Or I could go easy on you. At first."

At that, she looked at him warily. "What do you want?" she whispered hoarsely.

"Ah, you catch on fast. We know so much about each other. But there's still something I don't know about you, Olivia. Tell me about your father."

Her eyelids were starting to get heavy. "What abou' him?" her words were starting to slur a little.

Lewis's eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "If you pass out before you tell me why we couldn't talk about dear old dad at that beach house... It won't be easy for you."

Olivia just looked at him with a strangely calm expression on her face. "Fine. I never met my father. I didn't know him."

Lewis's eyes narrowed. He knew she was bullshitting. "Olivia. I won't tell you again. You hold back, I won't."

Oh god, she could feel herself starting to drift off. Her eyes started to close but the weight of his hand on her thigh reminded her of what she had to lose. She forced her eyes open and glared at him with as much defiance she could muster. "My father raped my mother, okay?" she snapped. She turned her head away from him as she sank back into the seat, exhausted.

She didn't see the triumphant grin on his face. As she finally succumbed to the drugs, she faintly heard his taunting voice "Oh, sweetheart. I knew I smelled a victim."


	6. That would be cruel

**Chapter 6. That would be cruel**

Fin and Rollins had been briefing Barba on their latest case when the captain rushed out of his office clutching his phone, his face white.

All three heads snapped towards Cragen. "Woah, Cap, are you alright?" Rollins asked, her face filled with concern.

Cragen ran his hand over his face. "No. No, I'm not. Nick just called. Olivia is missing."

Barba blanched at the captain's words. "What, how? NO. What?!"

Looking like he'd aged 10 years, Fin turned to the captain "What do we know so far?"

"Not much. We need to go help Amaro, he's doing his best to secure the area but they were checking an alibi at a restaurant, there's a lot of people."

"Where Cap?" asked Rollins who was already grabbing her things. The captain read off the restaurant's address to his detectives and started dialing Munch who had the day off. The detective's faces were grim as they leaped into action.

As the detectives scattered, Barba shook himself out of his shocked stupor. "Wait, I'm coming with!"

Rollins turned toward Barba, pity all over her face. She couldn't imagine staying behind right now. "Counsellor, you know that's not possible. We don't know what we're looking at here."

Hanging up with a quick thank you to Munch, the captain turned to Barba and said "You can stay here until Munch arrives. It's the best I can do. You're not a cop Barba, I'm sorry."

Fin put his hand on Barba's shoulder, "We'll keep you briefed, for now, we gotta go figure out what the fuck happened."

* * *

Nick, along with several other officers, had successfully shut down the perimeter and he was talking with the hostess Jennifer from before when Rollins ran up to him.

"Amaro, what the hell happened!" Rollins looked frantic.

His face was stressed and he put up his hand to stop her questions. "Not now, just give me a minute, I need to finish up with this witness, okay?" He turned back to the hostess. "Please continue."

The hostess looked shellshocked as she raised her shaking hand up to her forehead. "Um, yes okay. It was all so chaotic, Ben—"

"Who's Ben?"

"Oh, um, sorry the other waiter. Anyways, like I said, he had spilled water all over this family, I mean you saw, and they were all screaming and it was all so crazy. You had already run off down the street I think when I saw that lady cop run into this guy. She almost fell over but luckily the guy caught her and then they walked off together. I didn't think anything of it, they seemed to know each other. I thought she was lucky he had fast reflexes. I didn't know he was a criminal."

Nick nodded, a slight frown on his face. "Can you describe him at all, what he was wearing?"

"I didn't see his face at all, he had his back to me. He was tall though, wore this big blue or black coat and a hat. A baseball hat, I think."

"Did you see where they went at all?"

"Not really, I think in the same direction you ran. By then, I had to go get the manager cause of that family."

"Damn, okay thank you. Just one more thing, do you guys have any security cameras?"

"Um, I don't know, I think so? You'd have to ask the manager or owner."

"Okay, Jennifer, thank you very much. If you remember anything else, please don't hesitate to call." He handed her his card. Nick finished writing down his notes and walked over to where Rollins was talking to the Captain.

"Guys, this has to be Lewis. I was talking to the hostess Jennifer Parker who saw most of what happened. When that prick ran," he motioned towards Reilly who was sitting in the back of a squad car, "he caused a coworker to spill water all over this family so not a lot of people noticed when Olivia ran into," he looked down at his notes "what she described as 'a tall guy' wearing a hat and a coat. I mean, guys, that's got to be Lewis. After she ran into him, Jennifer said Olivia almost fell but he caught her and just walked off with him, but he must've said something. Lewis or not, I can't see her walking off with someone unless they were threatening her or others, especially when she knew I needed back up. After that, witnesses didn't see anything but I'm guessing she was brought to a car. I must've been gone only maybe 8 or 9 minutes tops. She didn't just disappear."

His captain nodded. "I know Nick. Okay, what about surveillance?"

Amanda piped in, "I was just going to ask the manager of the restaurant if they had any security cams and Fin's already looking into pulling any street and traffic cams."

"Okay good. I'll call Munch, see if there have been any reported sightings of Lewis since we last checked. And guys, I know we all know it's Lewis, but 1PP's going to argue otherwise until we have concrete proof. We need 1PP on our side, we need all the help we can get, so find some proof. Fast."

* * *

The first thing Olivia registered was the water dripping on her face. She turned her head and groaned as her shoulders screamed in protest at the awkward positioning of her arms which were still cuffed to the car door. Her eyes opened a crack to see Lewis's face hovering inches away from hers. An evil grin spread across his face as she gasped and tried to move away from him.

He tossed a water bottle aside and his hand grasped her chin, holding her still. "Ah, there she is." His mouth crushed hers with bruising force and a panicked whine escaped her throat. It seemed to go on forever before he pulled away, leaving her desperate for air. She shut her eyes tight as he reached over and uncuffed one of her hands. After re-cuffing her hands behind her back—she had stifled a scream as he wrenched her shoulders into a new, equally uncomfortable position—he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her up beside him. She took in her surroundings; she was in the middle of the woods standing on a gravel path before a cabin. They must've been in the car 4 or 5 hours judging by the sun setting. She could feel his erection against her stomach as she stared up at the rundown cabin and the dread that had been living in the pit of her stomach grew, spilling into her blood, seeping into her bones, until she was fused with it.

He laughed softly at the expression on her face. His breath tickled her throat. "Breathe, Olivia," he whispered in her ear. He kissed her neck softly, almost reverently. She sucked in a deep breath and adrenaline replaced the dread in her blood as she pushed off of him falling into the dirt. She couldn't go inside that cabin. If she did, she would die.

Lewis stood over her, watching her pathetic attempt to crawl away. It seemed that in her panic she had forgotten about her bound legs. He squatted down next to her and placed one hand in the center of her back to pin her to the dirt. "Oh Olivia, if you wanted to grovel at my feet you could've just asked." She froze as he flipped her over, her face staring up at the trees above them. "I was going to be a gentleman, carry you over the threshold if you will, but since you insist on being so independent, I guess I'll watch you crawl." His eyes darkened. "Get your ass in that cabin detective."

Olivia blanched. Her arms were trapped beneath her, her legs were taped together, how was she supposed to make it 3 inches let alone up 3 stairs?

Lewis smirked down at her, relishing her panic as she tried to figure out how she'd be able to do this impossible task. "Or," he paused, "I could help you? You remember how helpful I can be, don't you, Olivia? My hands wiping you clean, I mean, you told me yourself how thankful you were—"

"Stop it! Just stop Lewis." Her face crumpled. She knew what she had to say. "Will you," she almost choked, "h-help me?"

The words sent lust surging through his body. His voice lowered. "Help you what?"

Of course he had to draw this out. Defeat made her voice small. "Will you help me get inside the cabin?"

Triumph shone on his face as he yanked her up from the ground and up the stairs before pinning her to the door. He roughly squeezed her breasts, biting at her neck as he ground into her. She bit her lip to keep quiet, determined to endure. Eventually, he stopped long enough to push open the door behind her as he let her fall with a sarcastic "Oops!". She couldn't help the small shriek of pain as she hit the hardwood floor.

"Oh baby, you keep making those noises and I don't think I'll be able to help myself. I am a man of my word after all and I said I'd go easy on you at first."

_Fuck_. Olivia had almost forgotten about her little confession.

Lewis picked her up again and started half carrying half dragging her, still talking. "Did your mother love you, detective?" She tried to block him out as she took in her surroundings. They were headed towards a small kitchen with a stove, sink, and some cupboards. There was also a table with some brown paper bags on it. She turned away from them, knowing they meant pain. She noticed he was still talking. "You know, this, **us** , is almost poetic," he continued. He was dragging her away from a living room area with a couch and a fireplace. He paused, pulling her up until they were face to face. "You ask me, this feels like destiny, detective."

Before she could stop herself, she snapped "It's sergeant actually."

To her surprise, Lewis laughed. "Detective, Sergeant, doesn't matter. All they'll remember you as is a victim. My victim." He dumped her unceremoniously on a chair before pointing her own gun at her. He kept the gun trained at her as he made of show of searching through one of the brown bags on the table. She jumped at a particularly loud crinkle of the bag. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, shaking it at her with a grin. "Remember these, **detective**?"

She looked away. Of course she did. She had the scars to remind her after all. He lit a cigarette and took a deep draw in before he walked over to her, gun still pointed in her direction. He lowered himself until he was level with her and blew the smoke out in her face. Her nose crinkled and she coughed as he looked her up and down, appraising her. He took another drag.

"I've been wondering what I should do to you first. Part of me says we should just pick up where we left off, you remember, with me cutting your clothes off before I raped you." Olivia visibly shuddered at the words. "See through there?" He pointed to a door connected to the living room that was open slightly. "That door leads to **our** bed." He watched her face carefully, noting how her breathing changed and her hands closed tightly into fists. He moved behind her, still smoking, and started stroking her hair. "But to do that would be so unfair to you."

Olivia started. "W-what?" Confusion flooded her face.

Lewis chuckled softly. "To rape you, just like that? No warm-up? That would be cruel." He grinned down at her. "I know there are guys out there who don't understand the importance of foreplay detective," he fisted her hair in his hand and yanked her head back, "but I'm not one of them, am I?" She stared up at him, swallowing a scream at the sudden movement. His eyes grew dark as he jerked her head back farther before white-hot pain flooded her body, radiating from her neck as he put out the lit cigarette just below her jaw. "AM I?"

The experts were right; you couldn't remember the feeling of your own flesh melting, but the smells, the sound of her voice as she tried to silence her screams so he wouldn't get want he wanted, was all exactly as she remembered it.

While she was still disoriented, he pulled her up from the chair and dragged her across the living room towards the bedroom. She started screaming, loudly this time, unable to break from his grip or slow him down in her weakened condition. He pushed her through the doorway and she fell on the ground once more. He kicked her in the stomach effective knocking the air out of her lungs before he grabbed her by the hair. The last thing she saw was a blur of metal before everything faded to black.


	7. The Hell of her Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: sexual assault

**Chapter 7. The Hell of her Reality**

For the first time since Liv was taken _(Again),_ Amaro found himself alone _._ For the past 6 hours, he had been pointedly ignoring the invasive stares of his well-meaning coworkers as he worked the case, determined to hold himself together. He was now in the cribs facing his locker, staring at nothing. The captain had ordered him to take 10. His eyes burned as he flashed back to when he found her at the beach house shaking, still clutching the blood-soaked metal rod, crouching in a corner. A tear rolled down his cheek _. God, how bad would it be this time?_ He finally cracked and let the emotions swirling inside of him go. He let out a roar and slammed his fists repeatedly into his locker, oblivious to the pain, the blood, until he couldn't see Olivia's anguished face anymore. He stared down at his bloody cracked knuckles and back up at his dented locker and sighed. A part of him was surprised he'd managed to hold off on punching anything ( _or anyone_ ) until now but as long as Liv needed him, he would keep himself together. Or at least together when he wasn't ordered to the cribs to take a breather. He did have a close call though. He had forced Fin to take Reilly back to the precinct earlier; Nick couldn't look at the man who made him take his eyes off his partner without white-hot rage overtaking him.

The rest of the squad had been called back to the precinct; they had confirmed that it was William Lewis who had taken Olivia making this SVU's case. The squad felt grateful that they could take the lead on this, but emotionally, it was definitely hitting everyone hard. As bad as Nick felt, he couldn't imagine being Barba right now. Once everyone had gotten back, Cragen had ordered him out of the precinct. He'd never seen Barba so close to murder. He probably would've punched someone if not for Munch who pointed out that Liv would need someone who could claim not to know anything when she got back. Nick remembered his words.

"You know Liv, Barba. She could barely look at the rest of us last time, we knew too much. But with you, she got to tell you everything in her own words. We all know it meant a lot to her." All the fight had drained out of Barba and he had simply turned and left.

The squad was lucky. They had caught a break with the restaurant security tapes and soon after, the street and traffic cams. They had watched the original encounter, confirming what their witness had seen before viewing Lewis leading Olivia to a car parked around the corner from the restaurant entrance. In his hurry, Lewis hadn't noticed the employee entryway to the kitchens which had a conveniently placed security camera. While they couldn't see everything, the tapes confirmed he had a gun and that he had leaned over to the passenger seat where Olivia was for about a minute. At that, Fin was quick to suggest that Lewis had probably just secured her hands, maybe cuffed her to the door with the handcuffs he had from the DOC officer. Everyone was more than happy to agree. No one wanted to think too creatively about what Lewis might have done while he was so close to Liv.

Where the security tapes didn't catch the car's full license plate, the street cams did. They had quickly run the numbers and confirmed the car's registration to a Nancy Bauer, a 74-year-old lady living in a small town in upstate New York. Luckily, it seemed Lewis hadn't swapped the plates out, the registration's description of the car matched what they'd seen in the video. When they saw it was registered to an old lady, they'd been expecting the worst, but when they called the home they were happily surprised to find her alive and well. They now had to track down Nancy's son who was helping her sell the car. Hopefully, this would provide some insight into where Lewis could have taken her. Other than that, they were hoping to learn more from the tip line they were setting up. The captain had luckily gotten a spot on the 11 o'clock news in order to get the story out.

Nick sighed heavily at the thought of how much time that would take, pushing any thoughts of what his partner could be going through to the back of his mind. He wouldn't be any good to Liv if he didn't get some rest. _Stay strong Liv. We're coming to help._

* * *

She woke up on a soft surface, arms spread wide, with a heavy weight on her legs. Her head was pounding and she was covered in sweat. The fresh burn on her neck throbbed. She kept her eyes firmly shut, not quite ready to be thrust so quickly back into the hell of her reality.

"Welcome back," he said running both his hands up her legs. Lewis had evidently noticed her stirring. She kept her eyes closed, refusing to give him a reaction. He felt a surge of anger at her refusal to acknowledge him. His voice took on a dangerous tone. "Sometimes, sweetheart, you make it so hard to be nice to you."

The weight on her legs shifted and she heard the crack before she felt the sharp sting as her head snapped to the side. She groaned softly, blinking tears out of her eyes before she turned her head back forward to glare at him, her cheek red. Satisfied she was awake, Lewis pushed off of her and headed towards a brown paper bag that he had apparently brought from the kitchen. With him no longer crushing her legs, she was able to look down and was intensely relieved to confirm that her legs were still covered. Still duct-taped, but still covered. As she tested out her restraints, she found that instead of handcuffs, thick rope was tied around her wrists and the wooden bedposts, allowing him easy access to her body. The detective in her— _No. The_ _ **sergeant**_ _in her_ — recognized with a clinical detachment that he had left enough slack in the rope for her to be able to move her arms a bit, to struggle.

Lewis was still rifling through the bag, making sure his body blocked her view. Olivia took the opportunity to take in her surroundings. She was tied down to a bed with a wooden bed frame. At the foot of the bed, there were two pieces of rope tied to the lower bedposts waiting for him to tie her feet down too. Next to the bed was a matching wooden side table, nothing on it for now. Besides the door leading to the living area, there was another that she guessed led to a bathroom. A noise interrupted her inspection. Lewis was talking again.

"You know me, I'd hate to blame the victim, but you really brought this upon yourself, Olivia. I mean look at you!" His lust-filled eyes took in every inch of her body, making her skin crawl. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment but they shot open a second later as she felt cold metal run down her arm and his fingers running through her hair. "Laying here for me, all vulnerable-like staring up at me with those big brown eyes," he whispered in her ear. He was dragging her own gun down her body. "I think you want this."

If Olivia had use of her arms she would have strangled him. Olivia yanked her arms forward to tug on the ropes encircling her wrists, her pain forgotten in her anger. "I don't want ANY of this! God Lewis, you could've escaped, gone ANYWHERE! Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you FUCKING LEAVE?" she yelled before collapsing back on the bed, spent. She could still feel the lingering effects of the vodka and pills coursing through her.

Lewis's voice lost the playful, taunting quality. "You know why. I couldn't leave you alone, detective. Not after we were so rudely interrupted. Not after you LIED in OPEN COURT. Not after you BEAT ME WITHIN AN INCH OF MY LIFE!"

His rage was palpable as was Olivia's fear. He stalked back over to the brown bag. He turned to face her with a remarkably calm expression considering his outburst. His voice was quiet and ice cold. "I was going to save this bit of information for later, but I want you to know what you have to look forward to at the end of this." He pulled out a large silver hammer. "You're going to beg me to kill you, Olivia, they all do. And I'm going to refuse. I'm going to keep you alive only to rape you some more before I finally take this hammer," he gazed at it with hunger before bringing his eyes to meet hers, "and beat you to death."

Olivia's fear crystalized. It pierced her lungs, her heart, her brain as she stared into the livid eyes of her soon-to-be murderer. This fear doused all anger, all pain. She lost the ability to cry, to talk, to move. She could only stare, frozen as he walked towards the bed.

"Now give me that Olivia Benson spunk," he growled, as he climbed on top of her.

The heat of his body snapped her out of her trance and her body jerked like a live wire. He slid his hands under her shirt while she tried to squirm away from him. He brought one hand up and pressed his thumb into her fresh burn causing her to gasp sharply. Taking advantage of her pain, he pushed her shirt up and over her face, blinding her but keeping her mouth free. He laid on top of her, crushing her body with his.

His erection was pressed up against her hip and his breath hot on her face as he asked over her cries "How long do you think it will take, detective? Until you beg me to kill you?" He pushed her bra up and ran his hands over her scars before biting her nipple hard. She yelped. He pushed off her body so he was sitting, straddling her thighs. His pants were uncomfortably tight as he watched her struggle, her arms tied but straining for freedom, especially proud as he fingered the fresh bite mark on her breast. He came to a decision and pushed off of her altogether coming to stand by the bed close to her face.

A combination of relief and apprehension overwhelmed Olivia as she felt him get off of her. She had no idea what to expect. To her surprise, she felt the bed dip under some weight near her head. _What was he doing?_

Lewis propped his knee on the bed as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his erection. He started stroking himself.

At the sound of his pants unzipping, terror coursed through her body and she let out a cry redoubling her efforts to pull free from the rope holding her down.

Olivia's frantic motions only fueled his pleasure and his hand jerked faster. As his breaths started coming out in panting groans, he ripped her shirt down from over her eyes. She let out a sob of disgust when her eyes refocused just before he threw his head back with a loud moan and came all over Olivia's face.

Her tears ran down her face mixing with his warm semen. Her disgust and shame morphed into cold, sharp fury. She was going to kill him. She had to.

* * *

Eek poor Olivia. Don't worry though, next chapter the detectives get a break in the case.


	8. A Calculating Bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: sexual assault

**Chapter 8.** **A Calculating Bastard**

Lewis had left her there staring up at the ceiling disgusted and ashamed. She had been able to wipe some of the semen off her face by rubbing her cheeks against her shoulders but she couldn't get it all and she could feel it drying. She took a couple of deep breaths in and out trying to calm herself and thought of her squad. They had to have known she'd been taken by now and by whom. She could only hope they would be able to track her down sooner than later because she had no idea where she was. This cabin seemed worn down and abandoned; she doubted there was a phone in the house and Lewis wouldn't have one on him. The only thing she could think of was the car. The street cams must've picked it up. They would probably be able to track her out of the city but then what?

She thought about Lewis's behavior. He'd definitely surprised her. He'd been patient and calculating by laying low for almost 2 weeks, something she didn't think Lewis could be. The patience gave her hope she'd be allowed to live longer than a day or two which was good. Her squad would need that time to find her. While she was certain he'd take his time, unlike before, Lewis had no distractions now. It was just the two of them and that did not bode well for Olivia. If the squad didn't find her first she was going to have to endure pain and humiliation until he thought her weak, until he underestimated her and she fought back. She needed to get out of these restraints and her hands on one of those guns.

A muffled clatter from somewhere else in the cabin startled her. She had a pretty good idea of what was coming next but knowing that didn't make her feel any better. She wondered how many times he'd burn her and with what. As he stepped through the doorway, she resigned herself to the pain she knew was coming.

"Sorry to leave you hanging like that Olivia. I know you're as eager as I am to get to the good part, but I promised you a good time first." He winked at her. The bed dipped under his weight as he sat down next to her. He patted her knee. "But I think we gotta get you comfortable first."

He took out a kitchen knife, held down her ankles and cut through some of the duct tape. She cried out; he'd purposefully applied more pressure the necessary with the knife causing it to cut through her pants and slice her leg. He shrugged playfully with a little "Whoops!" and continued until she had several small nicks and cuts on her thighs and shins. Legs finally free, she slipped out from under his hold and kicked at him. He tossed the knife aside and caught her left leg before he crawled on top of her, using his superior strength to pry her legs apart with his knees.

"Get off of me!" she shrieked as he sat on her right leg, using both hands to hold down her left before tying her ankle to the bedpost. Satisfied with his tight knot, he shifted and did the same with her right leg until she was successfully tied down spread eagle.

Olivia pulled at her new restraints and found they held fast. She watched Lewis stare down at her with hunger and panicked. Her vulnerable position was giving him too many ideas. At this point, she could handle the burns, the cuts but she couldn't have him on top of her again. His eyes lingered in uncomfortable places. _God no, not yet_. She needed to distract him.

"What are you going to burn me with this time?" Olivia spat out.

At her words, Lewis dragged his eyes away from her body and up to her face. "I'm surprised you care detective. Why? Do you have a suggestion?"

Olivia scoffed, "No, I don't." _Crap_. She needed an excuse for her question or he'd catch on to her. "I was just curious seeing you don't have my keys this time."

His eyes narrowed. "I see what you're doing Olivia. Don't worry. I won't rape you yet."

Her body flooded with relief.

"As for your question, I may not have your keys but I still got something special of yours that will work very nicely. I'm surprised you haven't noticed it missing yet. I took it from you when you were passed out in the car."

_What was he talking about?_ Olivia racked her mind before it hit her. Her badge. Her fucking badge. She gaped at him. He was going to brand her body with the very symbol of her strength. She watched his mouth continue to move but couldn't process his words. She imagined her badge, slightly reddened from the heat lowering onto her body. She felt herself crack a little at the thought and wondered exactly how much more it would take to finally break her.

* * *

The tip-line had been ringing off the hook for hours after Captain Cragen held the press conference on the 11 o'clock news. They were now approaching 8 hours with Olivia gone. They were following any and all leads hoping for a break. Nick had come out of the cribs earlier and been immediately ordered home to rest when the captain saw his beat-up knuckles. Besides, he'd need the rest before he would be taking the long drive north towards the Catskills area where he would talk to the old lady's son, Roger Bauer, who hopefully knew something about the car Lewis had taken Olivia in.

Munch had been supervising the dozen or so officers answering the tip-line calls when one of the unis called Munch over. "Hey, I think we got something here." Munch ran over and grabbed the phone.

Munch gripped the phone hard. "Hi, yes, I'm going to need to you repeat what you just told the other officer," he said, his voice urgent.

He heard a nervous voice reply, "Um, okay. Uh, I was just saying that I saw that guy they showed on the TV like a week ago in my store. I recognized his face cause of that scar and all. It's already kinda hard to forget a new face in my town, never mind when it's one like his."

"You live in a small town?" Munch prompted.

"Yeah, I own a hardware store up in Millerton," seeming to realize Munch had no idea where that was, he continued. "That's this small town in Jefferson County. Look, I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. When he came to my shop I had no idea he was a criminal."

_Damn it. Not a hardware store_. Munch motioned at the others who were standing near the corkboard outlining Lewis's escape and bouncing ideas off one another. "Okay, sir, I'm going to need a number I can call you at. We have a couple more questions if that's okay. You may have just given us information that will help save an NYPD sergeant."

The man on the other end of the line sounded shocked that his information was that important. "Oh wow, yeah of course. Hey, would it help if I searched my receipts to see if I can find what he bought?"

"That would be incredibly helpful, thank you, sir. What number can I call you at?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'll give you my cellphone number." He fired off the number to Munch who wrote it down before letting him know he'd be in contact with him.

As Munch hung up, the other detectives waited expectantly.

"That was the owner of a small hardware store up in Jefferson. Apparently Lewis came into his store about a week ago. He's going to check receipts and see what Lewis bought. I got his number so we can ask him some more questions."

At the news, Rollins frowned deeply. "Jefferson County is up by the border. If the store owner had called any earlier, it would've pretty much confirmed that he was planning on leaving. I have a bad feeling about this."

Fin nodded, "Looks like the bastard wised up in prison. He thought this out."

Amanda walked up towards the corkboard and spoke, thinking hard. "Okay. We need to relook at this whole timeline from a different perspective. One where instead of being a lucky bastard, he's a calculating bastard."

Munch paused her quickly, letting her know he was going to update the captain and call the storeowner back.

Rollins nodded at him and pressed on. She pointed at a photo of a woman with curly red hair. "Okay, so Lewis manages to convince that jury forewoman Bronwyn Freed to sneak in cupcakes laced with drugs. That gets him out of the prison into Bellevue." Amanda then pointed at crime scene photos of the hospital room Lewis had been in. "He then somehow manages to convince the DOC officer to un-cuff him and snaps his neck. He rapes the nurse, leaves her hanging in the closet, and takes her cellphone, keys, and wallet with him along with the DOC officer's handcuffs and gun." She turned to Fin "Am I missing anything?"

"Don't think so," said Fin, going along. "After he steals the nurse's car, he drives to her house. Based on what TARU triangulated from Olivia's cell, he was still heading there when he called Liv. He probably smashed it or threw it out the window."

Amanda agreed. "Yeah probably." She turned to him, her eyebrows knit together in thought. "Now hear me out. If Lewis took the time to evidently stalk her for more than a week, waiting until the right moment, odds are he took the time to secure a place to bring Liv. He's obviously fixated on her, he's not going to want to be interrupted. He's going to choose someplace out of the way, secluded, where he can take his time with her."

As she gasped, Fin could almost see the lightbulb over her head.

"Oh my god, Fin! What if while he was at the nurse's house, he did more than ransack for cash and booze? What if he also looked up something that could help us figure out where he's stashing her? He was heading upstate, there's a lot of forest up there for him to hide in. Maybe he looked at areas with seasonal cabins?"

Fin was stunned. "Rollins, you're a genius! We need to get TARU to look at anything from that house that he could've used to access the internet. Is everything still in the evidence lock-up?"

"As far as I know. Come on, lets go brief the captain. We got some work to do."

* * *

Barba was sitting in Forlini's nursing a scotch on the rocks when Rita walked in and made her way over to him. He looked up from his drink surprised.

"Rita! It's what, 2 in the morning?" He fought through the exhausted worry to put on a forced smirk and joked, "What are you doing up so late, it's past your bedtime!"

"Oh shut up Barba," she said. She looked at him with concern, she could see the tension in his shoulders. "How long have you been here?"

Barba frowned at her. "Forget that, are you going to tell me what the hell you're doing here so late?"

Rita saw right through his bravado and sighed heavily, sitting on the barstool next to him.

"I watch the news, Rafael. I know Olivia's been taken again." Barba's smirk dropped and he turned away from her as she continued. "I also know you're pissed you can't help with the search."

At her words, Barba eyed her suspiciously, "And how would you know that, Calhoun?"

Rita rolled her eyes. "I called Fin when I saw the news and he said you'd almost punched Cragen when he told you that you were getting in the way."

The anger that had been simmering under the surface flared again. Barba threw his hands up, "Of course I almost punched him! This is Liv we're talking about, I can't just do nothing! If I'd put him away the first time Lewis would've never gotten to her then and we wouldn't even be sitting here now!"

His emotional outburst over, he swallowed the rest of his drink, savoring the burn as it went down. There was a long pause as Barba stared into his empty glass as if trying to find something in there that could distract him.

"Rafa..." she said softly but stopped when she saw the wheels turning behind his eyes.

Barba found the distraction he was looking for as he repeated her words in his mind and curiosity got the better of him, "Wait since when do you have Fin's number?"

Rita glanced away a little nervous. "Don't change the subject, Barba. You need to talk about this, it's eating you up. How long have you been blaming yourself for this stuff with William Lewis?" she asked softly.

He let out a bitter laugh, "I've been blaming myself since the second the judge declared a mistrial." He turned and pointed at her, "And don't think I'm dropping the Fin thing, we're coming back to that later," he deflected.

Rita crossed her arms and scowled at him. "Quit trying to distract yourself from the real issue here. Does Olivia know you blame yourself like this?"

Rafael sighed, agitated. "That's the thing! When we were prepping her case, she told me, more than once actually, that it wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel guilty. I look back on the case and wonder what I could've done differently all the time. I keep hearing her voice telling me what that bastard did to her, and now I could actually do something to help and I'm being pushed out!? What the hell?!" His anger washed over her, but she didn't miss the fear hiding underneath his frustration.

She took in his haggard appearance and contemplated how she could help him; this situation was truly horrendous and she wasn't even close to Olivia. Time to use logic.

"Not to be overly blunt, Rafael, but what the hell could you actually do to help right now?"

"I don't know but I'm definitely not helping sitting here waiting for an update!" He glanced down at his watch. "It's been 11 hours." His eyes changed from hostile to desperate. "What the hell is he doing to her?"

He gripped her forearm and she was shocked to find tears in his eyes. In all the time they'd been friends, she hadn't seen him show this much vulnerability in public before.

"You can't think like that Rafa, okay? You need to focus on what you're going to do when we get her back. Olivia is going to need you. Focus on that."

Barba ran his hands down his face. "You're right. I have to be there for her. I WILL be there for her."

Rita placed her hand on his arm. "Now how about you head home to rest? I'll make sure Fin calls you the second there's any news."

Rafael nodded and stood. "Okay." He sighed and grabbed his coat, his mind on his lost friend.


	9. Silent Scream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: torture and rape

**Chapter 9. Silent Scream**

_Her badge. Her fucking badge. She gaped at him. He was going to brand her body with the very symbol of her strength._

* * *

Olivia startled when she felt a heavy pat on her leg. "Now you sit tight, and I'll go get things ready for us." Lewis winked at her.

Logically she knew there wasn't anything she could do but her panic and instincts had her tugging hard at her restraints the second he left the room. The skin around her wrists, in particular, stung after all her pulling and she felt a trickle of blood run down her arm. As far as she could tell, it seemed likely that the rough rope had scraped through a layer or two of skin. She heard the far off clatter of metal on metal coming from the kitchen and redoubled her efforts to no avail, breathing hard. She mentally let out a string of expletives and fell back against the mattress. It was no use. She was just going to have to deal with this the best she could.

Lewis chose that moment to walk in carrying a frying pan. She glanced at it as he placed it down on the side table and saw it had a couple of coins, some twisted wire, and her badge in it.

Lewis turned around and looked her up and down, assessing her. His eyes were full of malicious humor as he looked down at her angry but nervous face.

He pouted with exaggerated sympathy, shaking his head, "Oh Olivia, you're not ready for this at all, are you?" He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her arm, stroking her hair. He brought his hands down to cup her cheeks. "Don't be scared, baby. I'll be right here for you the whole time."

Olivia just glared back at him silently, hating the feeling on his hands on her face. She refused to give him the satisfaction of a response. He backed away from her and leaned over to rifle through the brown bag on the floor, pulling out some wickedly sharp scissors.

"Ready or not, Olivia, we're doing this, and right now you're looking much too overdressed."

Lewis crawled on top of her once again and she protested loudly. He straddled her hips and started with her shirt, cutting through the fabric with ease. Determined to endure, Olivia tried to tell herself to block it out and go somewhere else but the cold metal of the scissors scratching against her stomach kept her in the present.

After he finished cutting the shirt in half down the middle, he sliced through the sleeves. The last of her shirt fell away from her body and onto the bed. Olivia's face crumpled and she shut her eyes tight. Lewis smirked at the expression on her face and continued, cutting through the straps of her bra. He quickly finished the job, slicing haphazardly through the last of the fabric covering her until she was finally exposed to him.

Her eyes still closed, he bent down quickly and kissed her, nipping her bottom lip hard enough to reopen her split lip. Her eyes popped open and she retched, tearing her face away from his, her cheeks hot with humiliation. She spat out the blood pooling in her mouth.

Lewis took the opportunity to run his hands all over her chest, his fingers lingering over her scars. He pinched hard at her nipples and prodded the bite mark from earlier eliciting a sharp gasp from Olivia. She felt the rope tug her wrists again when she instinctively went to cover herself with her hands. He laughed and climbed off of her, eager to get started.

Glaring up at the ceiling with a hard expression on her face, she refused to look at him. She regretted it immediately.

 _Bad idea! Bad idea!_ Olivia wasn't prepared and screamed as a hot coin pressed against her breast. She dimly registered the awful sizzle of her skin melting as her scream became a silent one, her throat ran ragged. The smell of burning flesh overwhelmed her. Her vision had begun to fade when Lewis pulled the coin off of her, not allowing her to escape to unconsciousness. Sweat ran down her back and her breaths came out in rough pants but she still managed to give him an angry scowl over the pain.

"So defiant," he commented. "I like it." He pulled out a cigarette from the pack in his pocket and lit it, staring down at her. She'd learned her lesson, Olivia had to keep her eye on him. She was thankful she was paying attention when he moved abruptly, burning her stomach with the lit end of his cigarette. She managed to keep her mouth shut this time, breathing hard in and out of her nose as tears filled her eyes. It still hurt, but nothing like that coin had. When he was satisfied, he pulled it away from her and relit the cigarette, taking a deep drag in.

"I can taste you on this cigarette, detective. So sweet."

He blew the smoke out before turning to her. "Here. Smoke."

She reluctantly opened her mouth, not eager to continue with his burning session, and breathed in before eventually coughing as the smoke irritated her lungs. He smirked at her as she coughed; her tears finally fell. Her body shaking as she coughed was causing her fresh burns to flare up in pain. She almost passed out.

"You call that smoking? Pathetic."

She knew it was coming before he moved as he crushed the cigarette against her skin for a second time. After pulling it off her skin, leaving her gasping, he turned to the frying pan that had the wire he twisted into a "W". He was annoyed to see he had left it waiting there too long. The metal wasn't glowing red anymore.

He leaned in close to Olivia's pained face and said in a low voice, "For this next one I'm thinking thigh. Upper thigh." Her eyes widened and the now familiar feeling of dread intensified yet again.

He reached over and pulled at her belt buckle. She tried to twist away from his grip but the rope kept her in place. The more she moved, the darker his face grew. The struggle that usually turned Lewis on was grating on his nerves. He reached up and grabbed her by the hair, pulling hard. "You'll hold still or I'll start cutting fingers off," he spat at her.

Olivia gulped and fell still. He resumed undressing her. Olivia looked away as he pulled off her belt and threw it on the ground. It fell with an ominous clatter unto the hardwood floor. He took off her shoes and socks next. When he pushed her pants down over her hips, she blocked out his actions by focusing on the pain radiating from her burns. The pain so was intense. She vaguely heard him slicing through the thick material and felt air on her legs.

When his movements stilled, she opened her eyes a crack to see him standing over her staring. The moment was coming soon, she could tell. She was tied spread eagle to a bed with nothing but her underwear covering her. She tried to breathe as evenly as she could but her trembling body betrayed her emotions.

"I'll be right back," he breathed out, a living embodiment of sadistic lust.

He tore his eyes away from her prone body and took the frying pan out to the kitchen. Turning the knobs, Lewis relit the gas stove and watched as the flickering flame reheated the pan. He relived her suffering in his mind while he gripped his erection through his pants. After a couple of minutes, the coins, the wire, and her badge were glowing red again. Excited anticipation drove him forward.

He crossed the room and entered the bedroom where his favorite girl was waiting for him. He dropped the frying pan back onto the side table and grabbed the glowing "W" with the tongs. Olivia was breathing heavily, glaring at him with her tears still soaking her cheeks, when he kneeled on the bed between her legs. She closed her eyes tight when she saw he had the tongs.

"No. Eyes on me Olivia." She opened her eyes and watched him reluctantly. Moaning, Lewis watched as agony, pure and simple, twisted her face when he pressed the wire to her inner thigh. He held it there until she was sobbing, pleading for him to stop. Lewis groaned at her words before dropping the wire back into the pan with a clatter. His eyes were dark and filled with lust as he then grasped her heated badge with the tongs. He didn't allow her a chance to recover before he placed the hot metal right above her hip where she usually kept her badge clipped to her belt.

Her sobbing was reduced to hoarse cries; all she could feel was pain. She couldn't form words or coherent thoughts. Olivia had no idea how long he had kept the metal on her skin when he finally pulled it away from her. She stared down incomprehensively at the reddened skin in the shape of her badge on her hip. She was so stunned by it she wasn't paying attention when he reached over to the frying pan once more. One hand holding the tongs, he pushed aside her underwear. She snapped out of her stupor immediately and started screaming, begging him to stop. Olivia had no control of the words spilling out of her mouth, she just knew she had to stop his hand from moving any closer to her core.

Lewis roared over her pleading. "It's this or me detective! You decide!" When she didn't answer right away, he brought the hot metal closer to her center.

Olivia screamed and attempted to move away from the glowing circle of metal.

"You! Ah, you, I choose you, just please don't burn me! Please!" Her words were cut off by sobs.

Lewis's eyes darkened, "That's what I like to hear."

He tossed the tongs and smoking metal back into the pan and turned to climb on his most prized victim. Olivia was crying silently, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she tried to keep herself together through the haze of pain. She knew this was going to happen, she just hadn't expected it to come so soon. She closed her eyes as his weight settled on top of hers and gagged as she felt him lick the tears off her cheeks.

His breath tickled her neck as he whispered in her ear. "You taste so good detective. So much fear and sadness."

She yelped as his weight shifted and applied more pressure on the fresh burn on her hip. His hands pushed her underwear down her hips before he impatiently ripped them off of her.

This was it. She didn't know what to do as she tried to prepare herself for the inevitable. How can you prepare yourself for this kind of violence?

He sat up, took off his shirt, and threw it onto the floor. Soon after, his pants joined them as he pushed off the bed long enough to unzip them and pull them off. He hovered over her naked and battered body wearing only his boxers.

He slipped his hands between her legs and shoved two fingers inside her. She cried out at the unwelcome invasion.

Lewis laughed softly. "Oh, sweetheart you're not scared now, are you?" He pulled his fingers out of her and licked them. "Just relax baby."

He pulled his boxers down and tossed them before positioning himself at her entrance. She was sobbing now, shaking.

"Why are you crying sweetheart?" he sneered. "You said you wanted **me**." His face became a high falsetto. "'Ah, ah, you, I choose youu,' remember? You asked for this," he said.

His eyes darkened and met hers right as he moved. Lewis thrust into her hard and moaned.

She cried out loudly and a different type of agony overcame her. The only thing that registered above the pain was cold disbelief.

Her head fell back onto the mattress and her body froze as he started to move viciously, every thrust designed to bring her more pain. A single tear ran down her face and she felt herself detach from reality, from her body. She couldn't tell if she was screaming or silent.

Olivia stared at a crack on the ceiling. All she saw was the crack, all she heard were his pig-like grunts, and all she felt was numb as a piece of her shriveled up and died. At that moment she knew. Even if she survived, a piece of Olivia would always be here, tied to the bed crying.


	10. You won't kill me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: discussion of rape

**Chapter 10. You won't kill me**

Lewis kissed Olivia's forehead and pulled out of her with a contented sigh, making sure to drag his hands down her battered body as he clambered off the bed. He was breathing heavily, sweat on his forehead, and a smirk on his face. Olivia's eyes, which had been staring blankly at nothing, squeezed shut, the only sign Olivia gave indicating she knew her assault had ceased.

Her skin was crawling. The pain throbbing between her legs was duller than the hot agony of her burns but ran far deeper. For some reason, her mind dwelled not on the pain but instead on the sweat covering her body, on her blood and tears, his semen. She desperately wanted to shower. She was a collection of bodily fluids. She was disgusting.

He caressed her cheek letting out a breathy laugh.

"Oh sweetheart, now THAT was worth the wait. I mean, damn detective, you're tight! And so vocal, too."

She gave no response but felt a twinge of revulsion at his words. Olivia vaguely registered that he was redressing himself and the small part of her that was still aware of her surroundings felt relief. The last 3 times he had climbed off of her, he had resumed his assault using his fingers instead. When that didn't get the rise out of her that he needed, he had bitten her and pinched at her burns listening to her screams until he was excited enough for another round.

When she remained silent, Lewis frowned down at her, irritated at her lifeless state. He continued to taunt his victim. "That last time though, I have to say, you were a bit of a wet blanket."

Olivia didn't even look at him, just staring up at the ceiling. She simply whimpered when he prodded the burn on her hip, trying to get a rise from her.

He cocked his head to the side. "Hm… We'll have to work on improving your performance later, I think. I know you'll make it up to me somehow."

Olivia just turned her head away from him. Lewis pouted at her.

"Well, you're no fun."

He studied her more closely now, taking in her misery with pleasure. He relished the sheen of sweat on her forehead and her shallow breaths. The blood between her legs made his pulse quicken and the bite marks and burns on her skin filled him with the intoxicating feeling of power.

Lewis's voice filled with insincere pity as he traced a fresh bite mark on her shoulder, "Oh dear, looks like I got carried away a bit. That was rough for you, huh, darling?" He leaned down close to her face and whispered, "How's this, I'll give you a breather now and in return, when I come back, you'll give me a reason not to kill you."

At his words, she turned her head back to stare him down, the fire back in her eyes. Her voice was hoarse but hard.

"You won't kill me."

His eyebrows rose. "Glad to hear you're still with me detective. And why is that?"

Olivia's eyes narrowed. "You want this too much," she said simply. "You're not just going to kill me like that, Lewis and you know it. You said it yourself."

Lewis shrugged. "So you called my bluff. That's fine. There are other ways to make you comply, detective, remember?" His voice became whiny and high as he mocked her. "'AHh you, I choose you, don't burn meee.' HA! I had you begging for me to rape you, Olivia. And I haven't even shown you all the surprises I got you yet."

Olivia barely flinched. "You might think you're a sly bastard but my squad **will** find us. I know you. There's no way you could go two weeks without making a mistake. My squad will find out every way you fucked up and use it to find me." She prayed this would work. _When he's angry he makes mistakes._

Lewis bristled. "Shut. Up!" He gripped her upper thigh, squeezing the red "W" branded there until she cried out. Seemingly placated by the noise, he decided to switch tactics. He couldn't let her get too used to the physical pain. _Time to switch things up._

His voice was low and dangerous. "You're so fixated on my mistakes detective," He fingered the rope tying her left ankle to the bed, "when you should be thinking about yours." His voice became mocking, "You dropped your guard awfully fast, Olivia. It made you sloppy. Were you trying to prove you weren't scared to your cop buddies?" His voice lowered to a whisper. "I bet they were just waiting for you to fall apart."

Olivia glared at him. _He wasn't wrong_.

Lewis continued to taunt her. "If they looked at you different last time, imagine what they'll be thinking about you now? You and I both know they aren't idiots, they know we're together by now. Tisk, tisk. Taken twice by the same perp. Pathetic."

He grinned at her widely as she turned away to hide her face.

"I wonder if they know **how** I got you by now. I mean if anyone saw anything, all your cop friends will know is that YOU ran into ME. Can't even watch your own back." Lewis shook his head. "What kind of cop does that make you?"

She felt a wave of shame and knew it was written all over her face.

Lewis smirked and continued. "I can't wait to see the headlines when you're dead. 'Sex Crimes Detective Raped and Murdered!' Maybe they'll include a nice photo of your broken body next to my mug shot. I hope they're not stingy with the details." Lewis's eyes grew more malicious. "Tell me, Olivia. Will your partner cry when he finds your dead body?"

Hurt flashed in her eyes as she thought of the pain it would cause her friend. Her expression became cold. "All I know is that if I'm dead, you're dead," Olivia said bluntly, ignoring his question. "If you kill me, my squad won't rest until you're in the ground."

" **IF** I kill you? That's awfully optimistic." Lewis laughed.

She scowled at him and watched uneasily as Lewis appeared to remember something amusing.

He had a smug smirk on his face when he leaned to whisper in her ear. "Tell me, Olivia, if I let you live, which I won't, would you follow in Mommy's footsteps and keep your rapists baby?"

Olivia blanched at the thought of her worst nightmare.

Lewis straightened up and laughed gleefully at the expression on her face. "I bet you would. You'd tell yourself 'but this baby is half me, too!' and your squad…"

_My squad... They'd just started treating me normally. They've gone through so much this year._

"…would pretend to be supportive when really they'd just be thinking about me violating you every time they saw your swollen belly…"

_The rape kit wouldn't be inconclusive this time._

"…and you would pray so desperately for a girl who looks nothing like me. How many times did your mother search your face for pieces of your rapist daddy, detective?"

_All the time._

Olivia was crying again.

"God you're pathetic," Lewis sneered. "Just pathetic."

He stood and spat on her, delivering one last insult before he turned and left her there.

* * *

He needed to get rid of the car.

Olivia had gotten into his head and he despised it, but there had been a hint of truth to her words. Leaving the car out in the open like that was risky even though Lewis had been smart picking this area. There had to be upwards of 40 different cabins he could be in just within a 10-mile radius. Even better, the main road that eventually led up to their cabin forked several miles back. If the police managed to track him to this area, they'd have to pick between two almost identical streets that were both lined with small driveways all of which led to cabins similar to the one he chose. Whatever police force they had would have to split in two to cover both areas. Genius, he had thought. Or genius until the one lucky cop saw his car and brought everyone running. So here he was, having to cover his tracks instead of breaking Olivia. _Fucking bitch._

After Lewis had left her, he had entertained himself by listening to the dry sobs she was clearly trying to hide from him until she tired herself out and fell asleep. He'd checked her restraints and, to be cautious, handcuffed one of her already bound hands to the bed for good measure before he ventured out into the night to ditch the car.

He was now driving down the small lane that led up to the cabin. As he drove, he considered his options, already itching to get back to her. He could dump the car a little way down this street and rely on the numerous cabins along the road to shield him and be back to torturing his favorite detective in no time, or he could drive all the way back to where the main road forked and leave the car where it would be visible down the other street. If he was lucky, that could send all of them down the wrong road. The problem was, if he chose the latter, he would have to hike back. He sighed. He'd lose two or three hours but he couldn't risk her being right. If her squad was coming for him, (W _hich they're not! She's wrong!_ ) he'd need to head them off because he was nowhere near done with Olivia. He turned the car and headed down the street.

* * *

_Oww… fuck._

Olivia came to slowly, her eyes opening a crack to find herself alone in the bedroom and the cabin silent. Her first thought was of her captor. _Oh crap, w_ _here is he?_ Her initial and brief glance of the room confirmed she was the only person there. Emboldened to look more thoroughly, she lifted her head up a bit to try and look through the doorway into the living room, only to find that it was closed. The effort it took to raise her head worried her; between the sweating and crying, Olivia was starting to feel the effects of dehydration.

Without any windows, she could only guess but Olivia was pretty sure it had been anywhere from 10 to 15 hours since she had been taken depending on how long she had been out, both in the car and now. She couldn't help but groan as she realized how badly she needed to pee. The sensation reminded her of and amplified the pain in her core that she was already experiencing due to his vicious assault.

As the small groan broke the silence, she frozen listening for any sign that he knew she was awake. It was then she noticed that her left wrist felt heavier than her right. She turned her head. _What the fuck?_ He had taken the time to handcuff her to the bedpost as if the rope wasn't enough for him.

As she continued to hear no sign of life from the rest of the cabin, she wondered exactly how alone she was. Hope burned in her chest at the thought. Maybe he'd left her alone for some reason? She remembered taunting him about the mistakes he probably made and wondered if she'd spooked him. Whatever mistake he was trying to fix, leaving her alone would be his biggest one of all. A small cynical voice that sounded awfully like Lewis cut through her fevered hope. _Oh yeah? Who are you, Houdini? How are you going to get out of this Olivia, your hands and feet are tied tight and now you have handcuffs to deal with too._

Olivia shoved the thought away. She had to try. With her left hand cuffed as well as tied, her first battle would be getting her right hand free of the rope. Olivia craned her neck and looked critically at the rope tied around her wrist. The knot looked strong and he'd tied the rope too tight for her to try and wiggle her hand out. The tugging had worn through several layers of her skin, but the rope itself was becoming frayed where it wrapped around the sharper edges of the bedpost. If she was lucky, she could continue to wear down the rope until it snapped and untie her ankles and her other hand. She knew she'd still have to deal with the handcuffs but her odds were far better with 3 limbs instead of none.

Her mind was made up. She gritted her teeth and yanked her arm towards her chest. By pulling it at this angle, the rope scraped along the sharp edge of the bedpost. She relaxed her arm and pulled again, and again, and again. She ignored the pain her movements brought to her wrist as well as the other wounds she had sustained. She was so caught up in what she was doing that she didn't even notice the blood that started dripping down her arm. She just watched as the rope became more and more frayed until she finally heard a snap. Her heart leaped and she almost cheered. She'd done it! She had one arm free!

As she reached to untie her legs she immediately ran into a problem. She couldn't reach her ankles with her left arm still tied. _Fuck! Why hadn't I thought of that!_ She looked around to see what she had close by. There were the torn remains of her shirt and bra on the bed but unfortunately, her bra didn't have an underwire that she could use to pick the lock. _Underwire... Wire!_ She whipped her head around to look at the side table. He'd left the frying pan and it still had the wire! She could use it to pick the lock on the handcuffs!

Olivia quickly reached over and started fumbling at the rope on her left wrist. She'd get that off first before beginning the arduous task of picking the lock. Her trembling fingers pulled at the tight knot using her fingernails to provide that extra bit of leverage. The knot finally pulled loose and the bloody rope fell from around her wrist to hang from the bedpost. With that problem out of the way, Olivia took a deep breath to try and still her shaking hands. She would need a steady hand to bend the wire just right.

Because Olivia believed in the power of preparation, in her free time over the years she had practiced picking handcuff locks using a variety of methods and while she had been in a variety of positions. While she knew picking the lock of this particular pair of handcuffs with this particular piece of wire when she was in this particular position wouldn't be as hard as half the things she'd practiced, she also knew it would be the most important.

She clenched her teeth as fierce determination replaced all fear. She could do this. She was going to set herself free.


	11. How close had I been

**Chapter 11. How close had I been**

Amaro was exhausted and irritable. He was currently driving down yet another country road that looked the same as the last six, ready to figure out where the hell Lewis had gotten his latest car. He stifled a yawn for the third time in 10 minutes and made a mental note to get coffee asap. After the captain had sent him home, he had only managed to get about 2 or 3 hours of sleep before he had to get up and drive to the middle of Fucking Nowhere, New York to find the car's owner's son.

Nick was on the phone listening carefully as the captain finished catching him up on what he'd missed.

Amaro's voice was remorseful and filled with gratitude as he spoke, "Hey cap, by the way, thank you for pulling me out yesterday. I was, uh, not dealing with everything well."

At first, Nick had been furious to be kicked out of the precinct but even he could admit now that he wouldn't have been any help in the state he was in. As Olivia's partner, and as the person who had literally run away to let her get kidnapped, he'd felt personally responsible for her going missing and it had shown. Even before he'd added some new dents to his locker, he had worried everyone by pacing back and forth unresponsive to anyone other than Munch and Cragen.

"I needed a couple of hours to just get everything under control."

The captain sounded relieved. "Well, I'm glad you're back. Fin and Rollins are following up on a lead right now that looks promising and knowing where Lewis got that car might help us piece this all together."

Nick's forehead wrinkled with worry. "Yeah, here's hoping."

Amaro pulled up to the small house in the early morning light and parked before ending the call with Cragen, letting him know he made it.

"Alright," Cragen said, "Keep me updated and then get back to the precinct."

Nick nodded before he remembered he was on the phone. _Damn, I need coffee._ "Okay, will do."

The morning air was cold on his face, waking him up a bit as he walked up the porch steps and knocked on the door. He heard the muffled noises of an irritated voice before the door was opened by a short man with a beard.

The man looked surprised to see a policeman on his porch at 7 in the morning as Nick held up his badge. "NYPD, I need a moment of your time. Are you Roger Bauer?"

"Yes I am," he crossed his arms and looked at Nick with suspicion. "What is this about?"

"Sir, it looks like your mother's car was stolen and we need to know where it was taken from. She said you would know but was having trouble reaching you."

Roger's face relaxed before an irritated scowl settled in. "You come here at the crack ass of dawn to talk about my mother's car!? Jesus, it's down the road a ways with a For Sale sign. I haven't checked on it in a while, it's a dump and I haven't gotten any calls. Why the hell does NYPD care anyways?" While Roger was definitely still annoyed, he looked curious now too.

Nick's anger flared. "A missing NYPD sergeant was last seen being forced into that car by a known criminal. That's why we care! We believe that man is holding her hostage right now if she isn't already dead." Nick glared daggers at the man, who now had remorse and shock written all over his face.

"Oh shit, no way! Um, look I'm so sorry, man. That's awful. Uhh, if you come with me, I can show you where the car was?" He seemed eager to make it up to Nick.

Nick nodded, reigning his anger back in. "Thank you, that could be very helpful."

Roger started his car and waited until Nick got into his and was ready before leading him a couple of miles down the road. As Roger slowed down, Nick saw a car matching the description of the stolen vehicle from the nurse's neighborhood sitting there with the For Sale sign Roger has mentioned. _Sneaky bastard._ Lewis had swapped the cars.

Nick parked, grabbed some crime scene gloves he had stashed in his glove compartment, and jumped out to check out the car. He reached into his pocket to call Fin and let him know he found the missing car. He prayed this would help lead them to her sooner rather than later.

* * *

Olivia cringed as her hand touched the still-warm wire. The "W" shaped burn on her leg flared with heat as she flashed back to his cruel laughter, to him pressing it to her skin. God, it was revolting; the smell of burnt flesh was still lingering in the air.

As suddenly as she had flashed back, she was pulled out into reality when she almost dropped the wire on the floor. Her stomach plummeted and her heart jumped to her throat as she shrieked, quickly pulling the wire to her chest, clutching it like the lifeline it was. Her head whipped towards the bedroom door, heart pounding in her ears. She was pretty sure he was gone seeing she hadn't heard anything in all the time Olivia had worked to break her arm free, but the uncertainty of it left her breathless and afraid of his possible retaliation.

When there was no response, her heart rate lowered from rapid and erratic to only moderately fast and somewhat steady. She took a deep breath and held the wire tightly in her hand as she bit down on one end with her teeth to bend it into a small "L" shape. The irony of bending his "W" into the "L" that would set her free was not lost on her and she held back a bark of nervous laughter that just toed the line of hysterical.

Olivia took the wire out of her mouth and inspected it. She wished the wire was a bit thinner, but this would have to do. She reached over awkwardly and carefully placed the wire into the lock. Her grip was iron tight; if she faltered and dropped it, the wire would surely end up on the floor. She jiggled the wire in a bit more and felt one of the pins move. _Just a bit more._ Olivia bit her lip and concentrated. Another pin gave way. Oh my god, she was actually doing this. As the last pin gave way, she held back a whoop of joy and tore her hand free, the handcuff falling against the frame of the bed with a clatter. She immediately tried to push herself into a sitting position only to fall back groaning.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck, that HURT!_ She grit her teeth and pulled herself up with a loud cry, her breath coming out in pants. With tears in her eyes she glanced at the door but somehow the logical part of her brain kicked in reminding her that if he was here, there's no way he wouldn't be in this room torturing her physically or mentally.

Blinking the tears away, her eyes refocused on the rope binding her feet. As quickly as they had refocused, her eyes were drawn to the many cuts, bruises, and burns littering her body. Olivia could feel the memories associated with each wound pulling on her and she shook her head violently, mentally slapping herself for getting distracted. She tore her eyes away and started working to free her legs.

As the rope tying her left leg fell away, she felt hope burning in her chest again. Her hands were now shaking for another reason and she took a couple more deep breaths in; she couldn't afford to get carried away in her extreme relief. The final knot binding her to that awful bed yielded and she let out a cry of relief as she crawled off the bed onto the floor as fast as she could.

Now that she was free, her mind was racing. A part of her, well, most of her actually, didn't think she would get this far.

_Hide! No, a weapon. A weapon and then hide._

She kept her back facing the wall, keeping an eye on the door and crawled over to where the bag was on the floor. Her mouth dropped open. The idiot left his gun. His gun was right there in the bag next to that awful hammer, the scissors, some pliers, and, she shivered at the sight, a blowtorch. _Oh my god, I could get out of this alive!_ She picked up the gun and almost dropped it. With her sore wrists, the gun felt incredibly heavy. She quickly checked to see if it was loaded. _Oh, thank god._ It was.

That problem solved she glanced around the room searching for the best place to hide. She considered taking shelter in the bathroom but if he came at her and she missed, she'd be trapped in there. Olivia shook her head. No, she had to stay in the bedroom. When he opened the door he would be shocked to see her missing and she'd have a split second to act. The best option would be to hide behind the door so when he came in she could shoot him and run for the car. Olivia crawled over and used the wall to help get her to a standing position and she leaned against it waiting and ready to take him down.

* * *

The precinct was still a jumble of noises and movements but the detectives had managed to keep their corner isolated. It had been about 20 hours now with no new sign of Olivia or Lewis. Amaro had come in with a dark expression on his face about 15 minutes ago; the car hadn't provided any information they didn't already know. In fact, it looked like Lewis didn't even have the car for very long. The GPS confirmed that Lewis had driven the car from the nurse's neighborhood out of the city to where the For Sale car had been, with no detours along the way. The way Nick saw it, the car was useless to them, making the drive up there worthless.

Now that Amaro was decidedly calmer than the night before, he was talking to Rollins again. They were currently standing across the table from where Munch was sitting, the three of them looking up at a map on a large screen which had red dots at all the places there had been credible Lewis sightings.

"The only credible sightings so far have been from about a week ago," Rollins explained to Nick, "and they've all been at places near the border. We think he chose those stores deliberately so that if he was recognized before he took her, it would just look like he was heading out of here."

Nick nodded and opened his mouth to agree when Fin came in waving some papers at them.

"Amanda, your hunch was right!" Fin exclaimed. "Once I finally got it out of evidence lock-up, TARU was able to pull up the search history on the laptop Lewis smashed. The bastard did a terrible job, the CPU was entirely intact."

Amanda gaped at him, "You're joking!"

Fin shook his head, "Nope, I'm dead serious." He walked over to the laptop connected to the screen and used a stylus to circle two areas on the map.

"Lewis searched for areas in upstate New York that had seasonal cabins, just like you thought he would. He visited a couple of sites and from his activity, he mainly looked at cabins in these two regions."

Nick looked closely at the two circles on the map. He pointed at one of them frantically. "Guys look! The street where I found the abandoned car leads directly to this bunch of cabins." As quickly as the excitement had flooded in, guilt overwhelmed him. _Oh lord, how close had I been to her this morning?_

Munch leaped up, energized by the news. "I'm going to get the captain, we're going to need to call the local police department and get them up to speed. We'll need to track down the owners of the cabins to get their permission to search. Someone call Barba, we'll probably need warrants if they aren't cooperative. We're going to have to search every cabin there until we find them."

Amanda looked back up at the circled zone and her stomach sank. "There are so many cabins... How are we going to search them all without tipping him off? If he catches wind that we're onto him, he could kill her."

"We can't let that happen," Nick said, worry clouding his face.

Fin looked over at them with a determined look in his eyes. "Then we won't let that happen. We're going to find Olivia and take Lewis down."


	12. Not dead yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: violence

**Chapter 12. Not dead yet**

The sun was starting to peek over the horizon as Lewis trudged up the gravel lane leading to the cabin. He was filled with murderous purpose, itching to get his hands on Olivia.

His anger had been building up ever since he'd dumped the car in the first driveway he'd found on the other street and started the uphill hike back to their cabin. He scowled darkly at nothing; his feet hurt from his crappy boots and his back ached. His guess at how far away the fork in the road was had been off by about two miles so it had taken longer than he thought it would to get back. None of this was Olivia's fault of course, but she still would pay for it. He felt a surge of lust and smirked as he imagined her terror when he pulled out the blowtorch. Oh yes. Letting his anger out on her would be cathartic and very pleasurable.

He swung open the front door with a crash, knowing it would likely wake her if she wasn't up already. Instead of going straight for her, he detoured to the kitchen and grabbed one of the water bottles from the brown bag still on the table. Lewis liked the mind games as much as the physical pain and he knew she was probably panicking right now, nervously waiting for him to walk through the door. He finished the water and crumpled the bottle loudly, throwing it on the floor. He raised his voice as he walked across the living room.

"Sorry about the wait, baby. Getting rid of that damn car took longer than I thought it would." He turned the knob and swung the door open.

 _What the…?_ The bed was empty. He pushed into the room. _Where the hell is she? And how the fuck—!_ His thought was cut off by the feeling of a gun barrel on his neck.

 _That little bitch!_ He slowly lifted his hands as he heard her hoarse voice. "Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you right now."

He started to turn around slowly, "You're in rough shape, darling, and only I know where the car is."

The gun pressed harder into the back of his neck, "STOP MOVING!"

Lewis froze. He felt Olivia grab the hilt of the gun he'd taken from her and pull it out of his waistband. He heard a clatter as she tossed the weapon back into the living room and away from him. Lewis mentally cursed himself. He'd have to play along for now. If he could just catch her off guard, he could knock the gun out of her hand and pin her to the floor. He lifted his hands higher to show his surrender.

"Okay, okay, you're in charge now baby, whatever you want. Just remember, there's no phone this time. You need that car to get out of here."

He heard a sharp intake of air and the gun lowered and poked his back this time as she yelled, "Shut up! Move forwards! Now!"

When Lewis took a step forward, Olivia thought of the car as she aimed the gun not at his head but at his leg and shot through the back of his knee. He let out a roar of pain and fell forwards, clutching his leg as she scrambled backward away from him. Lewis heard a crack and saw white as his head collided hard with the sharp corner of the side table. His head snapped backward and his body twisted causing him to land on his back next to the bed.

As he landed, his eyes popped open and Lewis let out another howl of pain. Everything was blurry; the combination of the blow to the head and the blood in his eyes was incredibly disorienting. _Oh, she's going to pay for this one._ Blinking blood out of his eyes, he propped himself up with one arm. As his eyes refocused, they were drawn the paper bag a couple of feet away from him.

He swiped at the blood on his forehead and glared up at Olivia who was standing frozen in the doorway, hyperventilating. "Where are you going to go without that car, Olivia?" He started inching towards the paper bag, "There's no one around for miles! You need me!"

Olivia saw him move towards the bag and panicked. "NOT ANOTHER INCH!" She pointed the gun at his head, "One more move and I'll shoot you in the fucking head!"

Lewis stopped moving but gave her a mad grin. "You won't kill me."

His words echoed the ones she had told him hours ago.

Olivia noticed her hands shaking and gripped the gun harder to steady her hand. Adrenaline was coursing through her body, the only thing keeping her standing. She had a decision to make. She could shoot him in the head, finally, killing the beast, or she could wait and somehow get close enough to knock him out until he could be properly restrained. She desperately wanted to pull the trigger, her finger was itching to do it. But fuck! What if he was right? She was naked, she didn't know where her shoes were, and she didn't have any way of contacting anybody. And god, she needed medical attention.

He took advantage of her hesitance and lunged for the paper bag. Unfortunately for him, between the blood in his eyes and the blow to the head, he misjudged how far away the bag was and missed completely, landing hard on the floor. The air was knocked out of him, stunning him momentarily. Olivia took advantage of the opening and rushed forward, sending the hilt of the gun flying towards his head. His hand reached out and grabbed her ankle as the gun made contact, snapping his head back yet again with a grunt. Olivia screamed and hit him over and over until the grip on her ankle relaxed and she toppled backward, crawling like a crab to get away from him.

Lewis was out cold. Olivia was pressed up against the wall, her chest heaving. As her heart rate started to slow, she assessed his condition. His face was a mess. The cut on his forehead was still bleeding and she could already see a bruise forming on his cheek from where she'd hit him with the gun. Most importantly, however, his eyes were definitely closed. She looked down to see his chest rising and falling; he was still alive. When his eyes remained closed, Olivia quickly prodded his leg with her foot, pulling her leg back quickly. He didn't stir.

Olivia had to move fast before he woke up; she needed him handcuffed to that bed now. Her whole body was trembling as she moved closer to him. She loathed the idea of touching him but she had to. Olivia needed to get the handcuff key out of his pocket.

She gagged as her hand slid into his left pocket but was rewarded with the small metal object. Lewis's body chose that moment to twitch, which sent her crawling away with a small shriek, pushing herself up to rush towards the bedpost with the handcuff still dangling from it. She pushed the key into the lock and turned it, and the cuff around the bedpost opened and fell to the floor with a clank.

She jumped at the noise and quickly picked them up. With the cuffs in her hands, Olivia turned and looked down to double-check that Lewis was still unconscious. She poked him with her foot again. When he didn't stir, she let out a sigh of relief.

Olivia moved quickly and cuffed his right hand. Tugging his arm backward, she closed the other cuff around the bedpost, effectively securing him to the bed. She hated leaving his left arm free but she didn't trust her ability to secure both of his hands before he woke up. Retching at the smell of her burnt flesh, she reached over his head and grabbed the frying pan that somehow hadn't fallen off the side table and tossed it onto the far corner of the bed and out of his reach. Some of the coins flew out and landed on the floor with a clatter.

Olivia finally grabbed the gun off the floor, pushed the paper bag through the doorway, and stood up. Standing in the doorway, she scanned the floor near his body, checking that there was nothing even considerably useful within Lewis's reach. There were only scraps of her clothes. Satisfied, she leaned against the doorframe and let out the deep breath she hadn't realized she'd be holding in.

 _Oh my god._ She'd done it. She had Lewis unconscious and cuffed to the bed, bleeding. It seemed too good to be true. The second she had seen this cabin she thought she was going to die but here she was, not dead yet.

Speaking of not dead yet, the adrenaline was wearing off and her pain was setting back in again. Olivia couldn't even consider bending over; she pushed the paper bag with the hammer and his "surprises" in it towards the kitchen with her foot. Her legs trembled as every step into in the living area of the cabin agitated the dull pain radiating from her core. She dragged herself to the window and looked out to see the empty gravel driveway. _Damn. He really **had** moved the car._ That was going to be a problem. She scanned the room again, searching for any sign of a phone, but as she expected, there was nothing.

Feeling the energy draining out of her, she moved away from the window. Olivia's legs finally gave out as she collapsed on the couch. Her body jolted as she landed on the soft surface and she watched incomprehensively as the blistering burn on her hip split, clear liquid spilling out of her blisters. Her vision went black and she almost passed out. She was gasping, crying out, when she regained some form of clarity, and she realized she was biting her lip hard enough to draw blood again. She spat out some blood and leaned back onto the comforting surface, tears in her eyes, still panting hard. Clutching the gun, she looked through the doorway to the bedroom to see Lewis staring back at her.

Their eyes locked. Lewis yanked on the handcuff hard causing her to jump. She thought she had seen Lewis angry before but nothing could compare to the expression on his face now. Logically, she knew that even if he got out of his restraints, she would be able to shoot him several times before he managed to get up off the floor, but the look on his face still left her shaking.

A deep throb of the burn on her hip tore her eyes from his and she let out a sharp gasp. As she looked down at the burn, her eyes wandered and took in the sight of dried blood between her legs. _Fuck._ Now that she wasn't in obviously imminent danger, the urge to cover herself came back in full force. There had to be a blanket or something in here. She was about to scan the room for anything that could work when Lewis spoke up.

"What's your plan now, detective?"

She looked back over at him. He had taken a piece of torn shirt and was trying to plug up the hole in his knee, wincing.

"Well?" he prompted.

Olivia was surprised to hear herself ask "Where's the car?" She hadn't planned on responding.

"Miles from here. You'd never make it," he said bluntly. She could tell he was telling the truth.

Olivia turned away from him to look critically at all of her wounds for the first time. If she managed to get out of here in time, most of these would heal up well. The cigarette burns and bite marks were nothing; they'd just add to her collection of scars. It was the other burns she was worried about. She could no longer feel the angry red quarter-sized circle on her breast which worried her as it indicated how serious the burn likely was. She glanced at the burn on her hip again and almost threw up. All her limited medical knowledge could tell her was that it was bad. Really bad. The ugly "W" on her thigh glared up at her and she swallowed the bile that rose in the back of her throat. She'd dealt with wire burns last time. From previous experience, she could tell this burn would be fine.

A small noise pulled her attention away from her self-assessment. She felt a combination of disbelief and vindictive glee as she realized that she had just heard Lewis try and hold back a grunt of pain. She whipped her head around to look at him.

The morning sun shone through the window, illuminating his face. He had a sheen of sweat on his forehead and his jaw was clenched tight. Her face broke into a wide smile. Now **this** was sweet.

"How're you feeling there, Billy?" she asked, her voice mocking.

She barely flinched as Lewis pulled violently at the handcuffs, rage all over his face.

His eyes were murderous, "How sore are you, Olivia?" he shot back. "Can you still feel my semen between your legs?"

Her bravado fled at the reminder of his assault. Frowning, she lifted the gun again and pointed it back at his face. "Remind me again why I should keep you alive? Other than to watch you bleed out?"

He shrugged. "Even if I told where the car was, at this point neither of us can reach it thanks to you."

"My squad will find me," Olivia said with confidence.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that sweetheart."

Olivia ignored him and felt the warm sun on her face. She felt her body relax. The hardest part was over. Now she just had to have faith in her fellow detectives' ability to find her.

* * *

Alls I got to say is Olivia deserved to gloat when Lewis got his ass beat by her on the show. I'm giving her that in this story. Also seeing Lewis canonically has a crazy huge pain tolerance (burning his fingerprints off like it was nothing? damn!) I'm gonna pretend he'd be lucid after a shot through the knee.


	13. He still got to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Violence

**Chapter 13. He still got to me**

"Shut off those sirens now, we're getting close."

With Amanda driving and the sirens blazing, they had cut the 4-hour drive up to the sprawling town of Ashton down to 2 and a half. While Amanda drove, Fin was in the passenger seat looking at maps of the town to familiarize himself with the area. Nick and Munch were following them in another car.

Before leaving, the squad had looked at property maps and determined that luckily, all of the cabins in the area of interest were actually owned by one man, a Mr. Thomas Campos. While the detectives tracked him down to his penthouse apartment in the Upper West Side, their Captain had gone out ahead of them to get the local police department up to speed. The second they had gotten Mr. Campos' signature of permission to search the cabins, the squad had suited up and headed out to Ashton.

Ashton, New York was mostly forested with a small central area where most of the locals lived and ran seasonal stores tailored to the needs of the cabin goers who mostly rushed in during the warm summer months. As they were still in the off-season currently, the road heading out of this central area towards the cabins was usually quiet and calm. This morning, however, was anything but.

Today the road was blocked off by police cars. Almost the entire Ashton police force was out either standing in front of two older men who were speaking with serious expressions or warding off civilians who were drawn to the unusual commotion. These civilians watched with curiosity as an NYPD police car was let in through the blockade with ease.

Amanda and Fin jumped out of the car and headed over to where Cragen was addressing the cops before him.

It appeared they had arrived just as he started the debriefing. Rollins only caught the last part of his sentence before he continued.

"...with caution. Everyone will be working in pairs and everyone will wear their vests. The perp is known to have at least two guns, both police-grade Glocks, and very likely has other weapons."

As he held up a photo of Lewis, Amaro and Munch joined Fin and Rollins in the crowd.

"William Lewis is a sadistic psychopath who will not hesitate to kill. In the 24 hours since his escape, he has already murdered a fellow officer, raped again, and taken an NYPD sergeant hostage. Based on his computer activity and the location where he stole his latest car, it is believed that William Lewis and Sergeant Benson are in one of the cabins we will be searching today. Sergeant Benson is resourceful and a talented cop. We have every reason to believe she is still alive and we will treat this situation accordingly."

The Ashton Sheriff stepped forward to speak. "Us local cops know the lay of the land and we will help the NYPD in any way we can. As many of you know, about 10 miles down, this road forks into two streets both lined with these cabins. Each pair of officers will be assigned 2 or 3 cabins to check along both roads. No one needs to be a hero, folks. If you see anything suspicious, trust your instincts and call it in."

Cragen spoke up again. "Stealth is imperative, people. If Lewis knows he's trapped, he could panic and kill sergeant Benson." He paused to let that sink in. "We will not let this happen. If you are to locate Sergeant Benson and William Lewis, you are to call it in and wait for backup. My detectives and I are familiar with Lewis's thought patterns and will be better equipped to handle the situation." Cragen continued on to list the cabin assignments before he clapped his hands together and said loudly, "Okay everyone, suit up, we leave in 5."

As the cops scattered, the detectives approached their captain with weary faces. Listening to him addressing the crowd of cops made the whole situation feel more real. For all of these people, this was just another case, but for them… Olivia was their friend and they had no idea what she was going through right now. They could only pray she wasn't hurt too badly because after almost 24 hours with the undivided attention of William Lewis they couldn't expect anything better.

The captain turned towards his detectives with a look of determination. "I'm going to be stationed at the fork in the road marking off cabins as we go. If any of these guys find them before you do, I'll radio. I want you there as soon as possible. Not only do you know Lewis better than any of these people, but Olivia will need her squad, not strangers right now."

They all made statements of agreement and discussed strategy briefly before Cragen sent them off to their squad cars. There was a sense of finality as they started their cars and headed off towards the trees. No matter what, Olivia would be coming home soon, they just had no idea in what condition.

* * *

The last time Olivia had been this thirsty, she had been crouched in a ball, clutching a bloody metal rod. This time was only marginally better because instead of being curled up on the hard floor, she was half laying half sitting on a surprisingly comfortable couch watching the sun rise higher as she kept a gun trained on Lewis.

Olivia's eyes mindlessly wandered away from the window toward the kitchen. She blinked slowly and watched the sparkly dust floating in the air, moving lazily about, illuminated by the light streaming in through one of the windows. Her mind felt like the dust, floating and scattered. God, her mouth was so sour, so dry. She vaguely realized that the part of her that had been screaming at her to do something had gone quiet as she smacked her lips. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to remember what it had been telling her to do. It was so hard to think.

As Olivia's eyes opened, they were drawn to something bright on the floor that turned out to be a crushed plastic water bottle reflecting the sun. The sight seemed to cut through the haze in her mind and she started. _Water_! Olivia moved suddenly, still gripping the gun, causing Lewis to grunt in surprise as she took a shaky step towards the kitchen.

"Finally," Lewis said, regarding her sudden bought of energy. "I thought you had died there for a second."

Olivia whipped her head back towards Lewis and waved the gun towards him. "Shut up, Lewis."

She continued to make her way across the living room until she finally grasped the kitchen table with her free hand. She shoved her arm in the paper bag and it crinkled causing her to jump as she grabbed a water bottle. The plastic was cool against her hand. As she paused, her body protested her sudden movements and Olivia leaned against the table breathing hard. She needed to sit down but more importantly, she needed to keep an eye on Lewis.

Grasping the water bottle in one hand and the gun in the other, Olivia turned to walk back towards the couch. The exhaustion was starting to get to her when her foot caught on something causing her to crash down towards the ground.

She let out a groan as she hit the floor hard. She had stuck out her arm at the last second which sent a jolt of pain through her already sore wrist and up her arm. _Fuckk!_ From the pain, she had probably sprained it.

Over her groans, Olivia heard Lewis laugh and ask "You good, sweetheart? That sounded like it hurt."

Ignoring him, she looked at her feet to see what had tripped her and found her shoes sitting in a pile along with her belt. Laying next to this pile was the overlarge coat Lewis had been wearing when he had taken her off the street. She shook her head to get herself moving. At any other time, she would've welcomed something to cover her up but she had to prioritize. She needed that water and she needed a gun trained on Lewis.

Gritting her teeth, she pushed herself up until she was on all fours and grabbed the water bottle and gun. Letting out a scream of pain, she stood up, swaying from the effort and let her momentum drive her broken body back towards the couch. Olivia dropped the water bottle on the cushions in front of her and clung to the back of the couch. She looked through the doorway to find Lewis using all his strength to pull on the handcuffs. He appeared to be trying to break the wooden bedpost. Olivia panicked at the slight and acted reflexively. A shaky hand brought the gun up and she fired, missing him by an inch causing him to jump before he froze.

His face was stormy. "You're up. You keep surprising me detective, I thought I'd have more time. That sounded like a painful fall."

Olivia simply scowled at him. Words took too much effort right now. In response, Lewis leered at her naked body as she limped around the couch and lowered herself slowly onto the cushions, careful not to agitate her wounds. She hated the feeling of his eyes on her body. If she had trusted her ability to bend over without collapsing, she would've gone back for the coat.

Keeping one eye on Lewis, she put the gun down briefly to open the water bottle. He eyed the gun with spiteful longing.

She surprised herself as she spoke, not meaning to voice her thoughts. "I keep asking myself why I haven't killed you yet." She glanced at him as Olivia brought the water bottle to her lips. As the cool liquid poured down her throat, her eyes closed and she relaxed into the couch. It was heaven. She would've cried tears of joy if she hadn't been so dehydrated.

Lewis rolled his eyes at her words. "We've had this conversation before, sweetheart, remember? Either shut up about it or shoot me in the head already."

Olivia glared at him but said nothing as she drained the rest of the water bottle. Her head was already starting to clear up a bit as the water got into her system and she wasn't going to let him bait her.

She tossed the empty plastic aside and picked the gun back up. Finally. With her thirst slightly abated, she could focus on how to get out of here.

Or not.

 _Aghhh!_ Her need to urinate had come back in full force. _Why now? WHY?_ She wanted to rip her hair out as her body screamed at her to pee. Logically, Olivia knew it was because she felt marginally safer that her body was now expecting her to function normally but she just wanted it to stop. She didn't WANT to function normally she wanted to LIVE. It had taken a lot out of her to walk to the kitchen let alone past Lewis and into the bathroom.

The most exhausted part of herself said to just pee the couch and get it over with but her pride had her pushing the thought away as soon quickly as it had come. She buried her head in her hands. _Why did everything have to be so hard?_ Olivia braced herself as she came to a decision.

She pushed herself up again and locked eyes with Lewis. A sliver of fear ran down her spine even as she took in his handcuffed arm and busted knee. Her hand reflexively tightened around the gun. She took a step towards the bedroom and he grinned.

"What a surprise! Come to finish me off, sweetheart?"

The double entendre was not missed as he raised his eyebrows suggestively. She held back a gag at the thought and eyed him as one would a rattlesnake as she took another step forward. Olivia hated herself for her weakness as she started shaking when she stepped through the doorway. _Oh god._ She was now an arm's length away from him. Olivia moved to take another step when Lewis snarled at her and jerked forward, reaching out to grab her legs.

She let out an ear-splitting scream as she jumped backward, flattening herself on the wall away from his outstretched arm, the gun forgotten in her utter terror. Lewis let out a growl of disappointment before he looked down and started laughing at her. It took her a second to realize why as she registered the warmth that ran down her legs and her face colored with shame as she realized her body had finally relieved itself.

Lewis continued to laugh at her and the shame turned to blind anger she raised the gun again and pointed it in his face.

He stared down the barrel of the gun soaking in her expression, his eyes wide and bright as he taunted her. "There's that rage. Do it, come on Olivia, it'll feel so good. You know you want to. Just pull the trigger!"

Her heart was in her throat and adrenaline was still racing through her body. It felt like deja vu but worse as she flashed back to the beach house where he'd told her to do the same thing. _Come on, while you're angry..._ Reality and past blurred together and she relived the metal rod crushing his skull, his ribs, his body.

His eyes ran down her naked body again and lingered in uncomfortable places. "Do you regret it? We wouldn't be here if you shot me in that beach house baby, but you didn't. You can do that now."

Everything was red. She felt the metal bar in her hand again, heard her screams.

"SHOOT ME OLIVIA!"

Olivia let out a sob and gripped the gun harder. Her finger brushed against the trigger as the flashback ended but she couldn't shoot when she heard a softer, broken voice whisper to her, _Don't let him get to you_ _._

She recognized that voice. Grief gripped her heart. That's what she'd said last time, wasn't it? _He still got to me._ She'd told Dr. Lindstrom that after the last time. The words brought back the shame, the self-loathing, the anxiety her violence had brought her. How could she let him do that to her again?

Her hands were trembling as she miraculously lowered the gun, remembering who she used to be.

 _Oh my god._ She let out a shaky breath. Olivia had been so close. She had stood on the precipice and survived this time but she knew that wouldn't happen again. Next time she'd fall.

 _I_ _need to leave. **Now**_. No matter how many miles away it was, she was going to find the car herself or die trying.

Lewis let out a groan as she lowered the gun. "No, no, no, no! And here I thought you'd grown a pair!" As she moved towards the door, not taking the bait, his eyes darkened and he frowned. "Come back baby, just finish the job, you know you want to! Don't leave me hanging like this."

She continued to back away from him, trembling like a leaf, out into the living room.

Lewis snarled and any last remanents of amusement in his eyes faded. "Get back here, Olivia. You know I'll come after you again. I'll never stop until I kill you, Olivia!"

She couldn't see him anymore as she collapsed next to her shoes. Olivia shrieked as the burn on her hip split again but didn't allow it to slow her as she pulled on her shoes. The second they were on, she reached over and grabbed the overlarge coat, pulling it on and retching when she found out it smelled like him.

His voice rang out over her panicked breaths and gags, "Where'd you go, sweetheart, I miss you already." When there was no response, he started shouting. "I'll break free and chase you down, Olivia, you know I will!"

His voice was ironically giving her the strength she needed to flee. She pushed herself up, still clinging to the gun, tears streaming down her face at the effort. She stumbled towards the door. Olivia didn't look back as she threw it open, blinking into the bright sunlight.

The last thing she heard was a roar of anger as she stepped through the door to freedom.

* * *

So at first, I wanted her to shoot Lewis, but she felt so awful last time about beating him and I'm not done with him yet. So she didn't. Don't worry though, trust me, his death will not be as quick and simple as a bullet to the head, mwahaha!


	14. Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Violence

**Chapter 14. Focus**

Olivia managed to stumble down the porch steps before she wound up on her hands and knees in the dirt, the gun in front of her. As she felt small rocks dig into her palms she started to laugh, softly at first until her body started to shake and the loud laughs became sobs. A shaking hand rose to cover her mouth. She couldn't believe she was alive. It seemed completely surreal.

As her sobs quieted, she replayed Lewis pulling at the handcuffs, promising to escape and kill her. Fear stabbed at her again and had Olivia grabbing the gun and pushing herself up to limp down the gravel driveway. How she was standing right now, she didn't know. Then she remembered the look on Lewis's face and the answer came to her. Her body may be weak, but her fear was strong.

Although the warm sun on her face was comforting, the spring breeze already had her teeth chattering despite the fact that the coat she was wearing reached her mid-thighs. As she continued stumbling down the lane scraping rocks out of her bleeding palms, she found herself repeating over and over, _Thank god I have my shoes_ , an intrusive mantra she found helpful when she fell again moments later.

Along with her nervous mantra, Olivia kept glancing back to the cabin so frequently that to an outsider it would appear she had a nervous tick. Every time she fell, the sight of the cabin fueled her fear, giving her the strength to continue picking herself and the gun off the ground. As she staggered around the bend in the driveway, Olivia could no longer see the cabin and the tension in her body lessened slightly. The further away she got from the place a part of her died in, the more control Olivia found she had over her frantic movements and her thoughts, and the intrusive repetition that had taken over her mind faded.

Olivia was now stumbling along at a slower pace but with decidedly steadier legs. No longer concerned with falling every two steps, Olivia found herself wondering about what she would do when she reached the car.

_**If** you reach the car._

The pessimistic thought sounded like Lewis's voice and she wondered if she was going crazy _._

 _Ah!_ _Shut up!_ Olivia shook her head, trying to clear her scattered thoughts. _Just FOCUS, Olivia._

If she was to believe what Lewis said, which she did, the car was miles from here so she couldn't afford to think about anything other than her goal. If she didn't focus, she'd never be able to muster the energy she needed to continue.

 _Focus. Focus! How far have I...?_ She couldn't tell how long she had been limping along the driveway. As she looked around trying to judge how far she'd walked, Olivia realized exactly how exhausted she was. It didn't help that her pain was no longer radiating out from one or two particular wounds. Instead, the pain felt like it had seeped into her very bones and it was starting to overwhelm her. The fear that had compelled her forwards was starting to fade a bit as all she could hear was her labored pants, the shuffle of her feet, and the forest around her.

The driveway ended and she paused, trying to figure out which way to turn when her body finally gave up on her. She collapsed to the ground with a sob and the gun fell beside her. As the gun left her hand, she found herself whipping her head around to look behind her. Olivia managed to momentarily assuage her fear of Lewis chasing her down by replaying the moment she shot through the back of his knee. He wouldn't make it down that driveway any time soon.

She allowed her exhaustion to wash over her and laid back staring up at the sky. The bright blue was brilliant and soothing. Olivia closed her eyes. She took in a deep breath, but instead of finding relief, she felt his weight shifting on top of her, feeling excruciating pain as he thrust into her again and licked the tears off her face.

As suddenly as it had come, the flashback faded leaving her trembling and crying in the gravel. She covered her face with her hands. That was exactly why she couldn't pause, couldn't rest. Gunshot wounds wouldn't stop Lewis from raping her again if he really wanted to. She ignored the throbbing of her burns and turned over onto all fours. If she couldn't walk, which she couldn't, she would crawl. The small stones dug into her knees and her palms yet again, the newly stinging discomfort of it keeping her in the present.

Olivia looked left then right, unsure of what direction was the correct one. She closed her eyes tight and tried to recall if she had any memories of her arrival here. She sighed. Nope. Olivia had been dead to the world during that particular trip.

She sat back on her legs and rubbed her eyes. _Goddamnit Olivia, get it together._ Dropping her hands to her thighs, she stared at the road as if waiting for it to tell her where to go. To give herself something to do, she reached out and grabbed the gun. Running her fingers across the barrel was soothing and gave her a sense of stability. Part of her recognized that wouldn't be able to crawl with the gun in her hand and her face crumpled knowing she would eventually have to pull herself into a standing position once more.

Olivia's eyes were having trouble focusing as she stared at the brown-gray gravel before her. The sun ahead was blinding which made it hard for her to keep her eyes open more than a crack. She rubbed at her eyes again and focused on the way the dirt sparkled in the sun. As Olivia brought her hand up to shield the sun from her eyes, she noticed that there were tire tracks to her right but not to her left. _Right. I have to go right._

Olivia shuffled over to a tree just off the gravel lane still gripping the gun in her right hand. The skin on her left hand tore on the rough bark as she pulled herself to a standing position. She wrapped her arms around the tree, breathing hard. Her legs were trembling. The sight of tire tracks leading down the road gave her confidence that she would be heading in the correct direction, but there was no visible end to the street from her position. She took that as a final confirmation of Lewis's words. He wasn't bluffing. The car really was miles away.

She heard a rustling noise. The relative calm that had entered her body was broken. Her head turned quickly and she brought the gun up in front of her, her heart pounding. After a moment or two, she relaxed marginally and lowered the gun. Convinced the noise she heard wasn't Lewis, she imagined other predators lurking in the shadows. Her mind was racing imagining bears, and wolves, and— _NO. Stop it._

She shook her head, blinking rapidly. _Just stop it_. Olivia couldn't waste time worrying about anything other than escaping to the car right now. Before she could rethink it, she pushed off the tree and staggered down the road, following the tire tracks.

* * *

Nick parked the car and tightened the straps on his vest before turning and nodding somberly at Munch. They were ready.

Amaro jumped out of the car and breathed in the fresh scent of New York forest. The crisp, sweet air was insulting. At least the city had the decency to smell like the low-lives it contained.

He and Munch jogged over to the group of cops who were starting to gather in front of the folding table where the Captain was taping down a map of the newly labeled cabins. Munch clapped Nick on the shoulder and gave him a reassuring look before joining the captain behind the table; he would be working with the captain on delegation.

It had been decided that Nick and Amanda would partner up for the search. Fin would be staying close to the Captain in case someone else found Olivia, guaranteeing they had someone who would be able to get to her fast.

Amaro had been double-checking their assigned cabins, 1C and 1D, when he heard a shout.

"Look, a car!"

As the cops strained to catch a glimpse of the aforementioned car, Nick pushed through the crowd. There it was. Down the street they'd simply labeled Street 2, and a little way up the first driveway was the car Lewis had taken Liv in. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Rollins who had evidently followed him as he pushed through. As he stared at the car, his gut immediately screamed at him. There was no way it would be that easy.

Nick turned to Amanda who had a shrewd expression on her face. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

She nodded. "Yeah. There's no way he would choose to leave the car somewhere visible from this main road unless it was to throw us off. They're down the other street."

They turned away from the car towards their captain who was already setting up a team of 4 people, including Fin, to go secure the car and check the cabin.

They waited until he had finished and Fin and the others were off before they addressed Cragen.

Amanda spoke first. "Cap, there's no way he's in that cabin."

Cragen held up his hand to stop her. "I know it's unlikely, but obviously we're going to check it out. I'm guessing you're about to tell me they have to be on Street 1?" They nodded at him. "I agree. I was just about to instruct anyone assigned Street 1 to head out. That includes you two so go!"

"Yes, Captain!" Amaro and Rollins jogged over to the squad car, a sense of urgency gripping them.

Unlike Street 2, where the first cabin was visible from the main road, the first cabin on Street 1 was about 4 miles from where the road forked. Anyone assigned to Street 1 had been told to drive the first 3 and half miles and jog the last half a mile so as not to set off any warning signs if Lewis and Olivia happened to be in that first cabin.

Amaro jumped into the passenger seat and chucked Amanda the keys. She didn't even wait to buckle before she was careening down the road. In no time, Nick was instructing her to stop and they jumped out. They listened carefully for any noise before they started jogging up the street, gravel crunching beneath their boots.

* * *

 _What was that?_ Olivia looked up from where she had fallen on her hands and knees and listened carefully. _There is was!_ The sound of shoes crunching on gravel. It sounded like there was more than one person, and they were coming too fast to be Lewis. She gasped, her breath was stolen as she was stunned into silence.

She opened her mouth to call out but nothing came out. As her voice failed her, she screamed at herself. _Oh my god, Olivia, SAY SOMETHING!_

She licked her lips and squeaked out a small "Help." Her voice was quiet far too quiet. _Again!_ The footsteps were closer now.

Olivia took in a deeper breath and this time managed a hoarse cry, "Help!"

The footsteps faltered and she gasped, tears falling down her face as she recognized the voice who asked, "Did you hear something?"

 _Oh my god, Nick! Say something else, Olivia!_ She tried to push herself up to stand as she cried out "Nick?"

She heard a sharp gasp. "Oh my god, Olivia! Amanda call it in!" She couldn't stand and fell over right as Nick ran up the steep hill and into her line of vision.

As Nick took in her collapsed body, her bare legs covered with cuts, and her bruised, exhausted face, he screamed back to Rollins. "Tell them to call a bus!"

He turned back to Olivia and quickly sunk to the ground next to her. She leaned her head on his knee. Nick was on the verge of tears as he looked more closely at his partner. He instinctively knew not to ask if she was okay as he looked into her haunted eyes.

He held out his hand for her to hold. "Olivia, where is Lewis?" Her hand let go of the gun and reached out to weakly grasp his.

The intense relief she felt stole her ability to speak in full sentences. Olivia pointed vaguely up the street.

"Cabin. I shot him. Not dead. Handcuffed."

Nick looked back at Rollins who looked sick and she nodded, relaying the information to the captain. He repeated her words in his head. Not dead. His eyes narrowed. Not dead yet.

Olivia let out a pain-filled groan, pulling him out of his murderous thoughts. Nick looked down at the hand holding his and saw it was littered with defensive wounds. Her palms still had rocks embedded in her bleeding skin. She shifted slightly and the coat pushed down a bit her arm a bit giving him a look at her bloody wrist.

_Oh my god, what did that bastard do to her?_

She closed her hand tighter around his and looked directly into his eyes. "I can't believe you found me," she whispered hoarsely. "Thank you."

Nick gaped at her. "You don't have to thank me Liv."

She let out a little sob. His heart clenched painfully at the sound.

Olivia let go of his hand and brought it up to touch his forearm. "I do," she said simply.

The exhaustion that had been pulling at her eyelids finally won as she heard the crunching sound of tires on gravel and closed her eyes. _I can rest now._ She was safe.


	15. Infuriating

**Chapter 15. Infuriating**

Olivia could feel herself starting to drift off, comforted by Nick's presence. He was talking now, asking her to stay with him but she wasn't sure she wanted to do that. She was so tired. The sound of gravel crunching under tires was closer now. A stab of guilt broke through the peaceful haze she found herself in as she realized how worried Nick was starting to sound. A small voice whispered at her. _Show him you're alive._

She squeezed his hand and her eyes blinked open slowly. She twisted her head up to the sky, wincing as the movement irritated the burn under her jaw. _Huh. I almost forgot_ _that one._ As Nick eyed her with a confused expression, she realized she had said that out loud. Olivia didn't have the energy to elaborate. She continued to stare up at the blue sky when she heard a car door slam shut.

Lewis was holding her down in the dirt again. _If you wanted to grovel at my feet you could've just asked._ She sucked in a deep breath as her body started shaking. _Get your ass in that cabin detective._

 _No, no, no._ She couldn't go back there. She wrenched her eyes open and locked eyes with Nick. Olivia was having trouble breathing. She focused on the sound of his voice as he spoke to her again, telling her the ambulance was only 5 minutes away, asking her just to hold on a bit longer. She let out a groan and nodded.

Olivia could hear two sets of footsteps walking closer, and started sweating. She couldn't handle more people right now. "Nick, who's here?" Her voice came out in a hoarse and panicked whisper.

He felt a wave of relief at the sound of her voice. "It's only me, Amanda, Fin, and Cragen. Is that okay?"

She relaxed a little. "It's fine." She blinked slowly. "Lewis," she said suddenly. "Have you found him?"

Nick eyed her, concerned. "No, not yet Liv." He took the opening to try and learn any more information that could lead them to him. "Do you remember which cabin you were in?"

Olivia's eyes were far away; she didn't acknowledge the question. "He said he'd never let me go. He said he'd kill me."

Nick's heart broke and he swallowed the lump in his throat. He reworded his question, "How long were you walking before we found you."

Olivia's eyes closed tightly before she started blinking rapidly and Nick watched her mentally shut down. "So long. Thank god I have my shoes. Thank god…" Her voice trailed off and her bloody hand dropped out of his to land in the dirt.

As her eyes finally closed shut, all the tension in her body melted away. She was out cold. The whine of the ambulance siren could be heard coming steadily closer. Looking down at her unconscious form, Nick motioned at Amanda to come over. He spoke in a low voice. "Tell Fin and Cap that I have to ride with her cause if I don't, I swear I will find him and I will kill this son of a bitch."

Amanda nodded; she looked furious and heartbroken as she looked down at Olivia. She turned and walked over to where the Captain and Fin were having a heated discussion under their breaths. They stopped as she walked over.

She crossed her arms, a scowl on her face as she spoke. "Nick says he has to ride along in the ambulance or he's going to kill Lewis. Off the record, I can't say blame him"

Cragen nodded, a dark look of understanding on his face. "Don't say that around anyone other than us," he warned. "Once they're off to the hospital, I'm going to call Munch and have him send backup your way. Each and every cabin along this street will be searched until Lewis is found. When he is, secure him immediately and call me. And don't let any of these Ashton people mess up our crime scene. He will not escape justice this time around."

Amanda and Fin nodded with fierce determination in their eyes, "Yes, sir."

The whining siren shut off as the ambulance finally arrived. Cragen ran forward and directed the paramedics over to Olivia who was still unconscious. Nick moved out of the way as the paramedics carefully checked her vitals but didn't go far. When the paramedics had to unzip the coat a little to listen to her breathing, he sucked in a breath as he saw several bite marks and various burns littering her chest. His jaw clenched, he watched over her protectively as they lifted her onto the stretcher. Carrying Olivia into the ambulance, the paramedics fired question after question at Nick regarding her health and what they could be looking at here and Nick answered to the best of his ability. Nick climbed in after the paramedics but before they left, Fin came over to quickly verify which hospital they'd be taking her to and assured Nick that they'd keep him updated if he would.

"I'll call the captain the second there's any news," Nick said before they closed the doors on him.

Amanda, Fin, and Cragen watched as the ambulance carried their friends away before a cold sense of purpose settled over them. They were going to track Lewis down. Now.

* * *

Rafael was sitting in his office, elbows on his desk, head in his hands when he got the call. He was only at the office for formality's sake of course; there would be no work getting done today and everyone knew it. Carmen was holding all of his calls save for anyone from the 1-6 and his boss, who wasn't eager to poke at the bear the attorney had turned into anyways. Even the few people who were oblivious to the whole situation had avoided him as he had stormed through to his office. Apparently there was something intimidating about an unshaven Rafael Barba sporting a cup coffee in each hand and a dangerously dark expression.

The loud ringing broke the silence and Barba jumped before looking down to see the words "Det. Odafin Tutuola" lighting up his cell screen. Hope and terrible anxiety swelled in his chest as he picked up his phone. Instead of his usual snappy "Barba!", he responded with a shaky "Fin! Please tell me something good."

The incredible tension in his shoulders relaxed for the first time since he heard the news as Fin said the three magic words. "We found her."

Before Barba could ask one of the many questions that popped into his head, Fin continued. "We don't know where Lewis is."

The bubble of intense relief Rafael felt knowing his best friend was safe popped. His voice was icy cold as he spoke. "You let him escape?!" He didn't remember deciding to stand up; his chair fell to the floor with a crash.

"No, you bastard!" Fin said, sounding insulted. "He's still in one of these cabins, Barba. All we could get out of Liv was that he was still alive but she managed to shoot him and cuff him."

Rafael felt a swell of pride at the words and a pang of remorse for yelling. All he could manage was a small "Oh."

"Yeah. 'Oh.'" Barba pictured Fin shaking his head at him before he continued. "Liv's headed to the nearest hospital now with Amaro, I'll text you the address. Rollins and I are going to track Lewis down. Get your head out of your ass and get down there." Fin didn't wait for a response before he hung up.

Barba stood there dumbly, overwhelmed by the onslaught of emotions the short phone call had brought with it. He was shaken out of his stupor by a small cough. Carmen had evidently opened the door when she heard the crash of his fallen chair and his raised voice. As Barba lowered the phone from his ear she spoke. "I'll call you a cab and make sure everything here is taken care of. Don't worry about anything but Sergeant Benson."

Rafael almost cried. "You… are the best."

Carmen waved her hand at him with a small blush on her face as his phone chimed with the address of the hospital. Barba ran around his office grabbing everything he could possibly need as the reality of the situation sunk in. He remembered Fin's words. 'All they could get out of her'? That didn't sound good.

People jumped out of his way as he stormed out of his office, throwing his coat on as he walked. The ride down the elevator was hell and had him tapping his fingers anxiously against his thigh as he willed it to go faster; he kept repeating Fin's words. Logically, he had known the second they confirmed it was Lewis that Liv would be facing hell but how bad would it be this time?

He finally stepped out of the elevator and ran across the courthouse lobby, ignoring the stares his frantic movements got him. The chill air hit his face as he stepped out onto the courthouse steps where a cab was already waiting for him down the steps. _God bless competent secretaries_. He ran the rest of the way down the steps before jumping in and barking the address to the cabbie. Fingers still tapping away, Barba watched the courthouse grow smaller in the side view mirror and prayed there wouldn't be a trial this time.

* * *

Lewis could hear the far off whine of a siren. _Fucking shit!_ She had been right. Her squad must've found her. He scowled at nothing and yanked on the handcuffs for the thousandth time. It was maddening. He could see the gun laying there innocently on the floor through the doorway mocking him. If he could only get to it… _Agghh!_

After Olivia had stumbled out the door, Lewis had pulled on the handcuffs tying him to the bed until he had been almost frothing at the mouth with rage. Even now he couldn't figure out how the fuck she'd done it. It should've been impossible. She had been tied down spread eagle AND been handcuffed and still somehow managed to break free.

In terms of his own escape, the bitch had left him nothing to work with. When he had come to, Lewis had been pleasantly surprised to find his left arm free. Unfortunately for him, however, the only things within reach were the scraps of her clothing which would provide no help in unlocking the handcuff around his wrist.

They would, however, help him live long enough to die the way he wanted to. Lewis outright refused to die bleeding out on the floor cuffed to the very bed he'd tortured Olivia on. After some painful work, he found that the scraps of Olivia's shirt had been instrumental to the rudimentary patch job currently keeping the hole in his knee from bleeding profusely onto the floor. It hurt like a bitch to do but thanks to those scraps of cloth, he'd been able to minimize his blood loss for the most part.

Lewis fingered one of the few pieces of her bra he hadn't used and smirked as he relived cutting her clothes off. The memory could only soothe his anger momentarily, however, and as it faded, his face became stormy. He hadn't been even close to done with her. He didn't get to watch her break.

Lewis was pulled out of his brooding by a particularly loud shriek of the siren from before. It sounded a lot closer. _Damn_. Lewis had come to terms with the fact that he would be found eventually—it was inevitable with him cuffed to the bed—but it was still infuriating as hell. At least he would be found sooner rather than later. He wanted to be lucid for the only upside to this situation: taunting whoever found him.

Lewis's eyes narrowed and his lips curled into a menacing smirk. If he was lucky, it would be her partner. Going down regaling the man with the dirty details of Olivia's rape would be sweet. He vaguely wondered how much Olivia had told them if anything.

As time ticked on, leading him closer to his inevitable death, his mind wandered back to their last encounter.

Oh, she had been so close to killing him, he had seen it in her eyes. He had watched a drop of sweat drip down her forehead, seen the way her eyes hardened, saw the vein in her neck pulsing. He had been so ready. But then, instead of pulling the trigger, Olivia had lowered the fucking gun. It was infuriating! Lewis had wanted her to live with the memory of his blood splattered on her face, to live knowing she had broken and been reduced to a murderer. He wanted to live in her head forever. The way he saw it, it was only fair. If Lewis couldn't kill her himself, then at the very least, his death was supposed to destroy her. But no, the bitch wouldn't let him die on his own terms and he hated her all the more for it.

He groaned as his knee throbbed. Of all places to shoot him, she had to get the knee. Typical. His groaning was interrupted as Lewis's head shot up, hearing the faint sound of crunching gravel. _Oh yes._ Looks like he was going to have some company.

Lewis's eyes darkened. It was time for some fun.


	16. Be Careful

**Chapter 16. Be careful**

_No… not yet…_ Olivia didn't want to wake up. _I don't want to…_ She tried to sink back into the dark calm of unconsciousness but her pounding head wouldn't let her. _Oww…_ As she slowly drifted back into the present, she shifted. The simple movement sent ripples of pain across her body; cuts stung, burns throbbed, and muscles ached but Olivia's mind could only focus on the dull soreness between her legs. _Lewis!_ Her eyes snapped open in a panic, sweat beading her forehead, only to find two people standing over her.

_Oh my god, who are these people, where am I? Where is he?_

As she flinched away from them, she let out a little shriek and any words these people may or may not have said fell on deaf ears when she felt something on her face. Her breathing became erratic and she started twisting her head desperate to get it off. She was hyperventilating, on the verge of a complete meltdown when his voice cut through the chaos in her mind.

"Liv!" She whipped her head to the right to see Nick sitting there.

Olivia stopped trying to rip whatever was on her face off as she looked at her partner, confused and scared.

He reached out to grab her hand, to show her he was real. "Liv, we're in the ambulance, you passed out. It's going to be okay. We're on the way to the hospital right now."

Her eyes were wide but there was a flicker of recognition as she remembered Nick and Amanda finding him. She tried to take her hand back to grab at whatever was on her face.

Nick squeezed her hand. "Liv you can't, you need that oxygen mask."

She let her hand fall.

One of the people, they were paramedics she realized now, spoke to Nick. "Sir, I'm going to need to you lean back." The woman's voice softened as she addressed Olivia. "We need to start you on some fluids, Sergeant Benson, you're pretty dehydrated. When we get you to the hospital we'll have a specialist look at some of these burns, okay?"

Olivia nodded. She closed her eyes to shut out the bright lights and colors and felt the vehicle moving around her. She let the paramedic take her arm and flinched slightly as the needle found a vein.

Before she could stop herself she heard herself ask, "What about the rape kit? The antibiotics and contra—" she cut herself off, "uh, other stuff?"

The paramedic was a professional. She answered, unfazed, "We'll be sure to get a SANE nurse to you as soon as possible Ms. Benson, but the burn on your hip is especially serious with it split open like that, we don't want you to get an infection."

She felt some of the tension in her body relax knowing she would get the contraceptives she needed. Lewis's words had been haunting her. She would not become her mother.

While Olivia felt relief, Nick felt like he'd been slapped. Although she hadn't come right out and said it, her question pretty much confirmed the worst. The bastard had done it this time. His blood started to boil. It took everything he had not to throw something. His fists were clenched when her hand landed on his. His anger faded to pain as he looked at her. Her expression was determinedly strong but her bottom lip quivered. She had indignation in her eyes, but anxiety too. She wasn't… worried? Was she? About what he thought of her?

As he opened his mouth to speak, the ambulance came to a halt and the doors were thrown open. He was pushed back by one of the paramedics as Olivia's stretcher was lifted down. As Nick ran behind them, tasting the bitterness of unspoken words, he missed the tear that ran down her cheek. The new sounds and colors surrounding her as Olivia was wheeled into the hospital was overwhelming and she shut her eyes tight, once again willing herself to fall unconscious. She was so overwhelmed she didn't notice Nick leave her side, protesting loudly as he was told several times to stay in the lobby. He wasn't there as Olivia finally got her wish, succumbing to sleep.

* * *

Fin and Amanda kept their eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary as they trudged up the gravel street. They'd only been walking for about 3 or 4 minutes but could already count on two hands the number of times they'd seen Olivia's blood on some of the small rocks in the dirt.

Amanda shook her head as she saw some more red drops on the gravel. She nudged Fin and simply pointed. "There's some more."

Fin's face was stone. He nodded and gestured for them to continue on. He couldn't imagine how Olivia had gotten as far down the road as she did when it was clear that she had fallen numerous times. As they approached the first driveway, they both noticed the tire tracks that had formed there in the softer ground. Fin glanced over at Amanda to see how his partner was holding up but was distracted by a rusty smear on the tree behind her. He stopped abruptly, startling Rollins who followed his gaze and looked behind her at the tree.

She gaped at it. "Oh god, it looks like she dragged herself up."

Fin looked down at the tire tracks which turned into the driveway in front of them. Apprehension and dread settled in his gut as he spoke. "This is it. We're here."

Desperate for a distraction, Amanda radioed in to check in on their backup. They were a minute away.

Knowing there wasn't much time left, Fin turned to her. "How do we wanna play this, Rollins?"

His meaning was clear. Amanda had never felt so conflicted. She bit her lip before answering. "I don't know Fin. God, I should know! I mean, hell, we've both said it before, we should've shot the bastard, but…" Her voice trailed off. She shook her head. "No. I can't go in with a plan about whether or not to kill him. Planning it would make anything that happened… worse. Somehow."

Fin nodded. He'd respect his partner's wishes but the way he saw it, the second Lewis showed any signs of provocation, he'd shoot.

They heard the sound of a car parking and turned as two Ashton cops jumped out. One of them, a taller man with bushy eyebrows stuck a hand out to Fin. "Name's Phil Anderson and this is my partner Terry Richmond."

The shorter woman nodded at them and got right to the point. "We sure this is the one?"

Fin pointed out the tire tracks and the blood on the tree. "Yeah, pretty sure. Rollins and I will be the ones going in, we're gonna need you two to cover any exit points. If you hear a shot DO NOT just rush in. Play it safe, call the captain. We can watch our backs."

The two cops exchanged a look. "Okay, you got it."

The detectives and the Ashton cops approached the cabin with their guns drawn. Other than their footsteps in the gravel, they heard nothing but the sounds of the forest surrounding them. Between the sun beating down on them, their bulky vests, and the mounting pressure, Rollins found herself sweating profusely. She swiped at the sweat on her forehead as the Ashton cops peeled off from Fin and Rollins and moved to circle the cabin. The tension in the air was thick as the detectives stood out of sight of the windows waiting until officer Richmond returned from surveying the cabin.

Richmond's footprints crunched as she rounded the corner. She spoke quietly. "The only exit is through the front door. There's a small window in the back but the curtains are drawn."

"Okay, good," Rollin's eyes were focused. "One of you stay on that window just in case. We're going to try and get a look through the windows in the front and if it's clear, we're going in." Richmond gave a quick nod as the detectives gripped their guns with renewed purpose.

Keeping low to the ground, Fin and Rollins crept up the porch steps. The two communicated silently as only the best of partners could before Rollins knelt under one of the windowsills as Fin stood beside it out of view with his gun ready. Nodding at Fin, Amanda quickly popped her head up to catch a glimpse through the window of a living room with a couch before ducking down.

Her heart was in her throat but when there was no sign of movement from inside, she exchanged a look with Fin who understood immediately. He bent his knees, still keeping out of sight, and moved over to the other window to get a new vantage point. He brought his head up and took a longer look through this window, spotting both a kitchen and an open door leading into another room. He pulled his head down and whispered at Amanda, "Living area seems clear, there's a kitchen area and another room directly across from this door that I can't see into."

In response, she jerked her head to the right, motioning for him to come over. He nodded and crept back over before they both stood up in between the door and the window. Amanda quickly turned the knob of the door and pushed it open. It swung open slowly with a slight creaking noise. When nothing happened, she brought her head around the corner and saw Lewis slumped over on the floor through the doorway across from them.

Pulling her head back quickly, she whispered to Fin. "He's there, through the door. Seems unconscious."

Fin's eyes narrowed. "Let's move."

Amanda's face hardened and she nodded. They moved quickly, guns aimed at him the second they entered the cabin.

Lewis didn't move. Keeping their guns aimed at his chest, they crept forwards. Fin's eyes were immediately drawn to a gun lying out of Lewis's reach on the floor and he gave Rollins a significant look before flicking his eyes toward the weapon. While they knew he could have other weapons on him, the sight was comforting.

The closer they moved towards him, the stronger the smell of burnt flesh was. Rollins held back a gag and tried not to think about what that meant for Olivia.

Now that they were a bit closer, they could also smell the metallic scent of blood and saw the dark puddle under him. True to Olivia's word, Lewis's arm was cuffed to what they now saw was a bed. It looked like Lewis had tried to plug up a gunshot wound to the knee with scraps of cloth. Was that…? Olivia's shirt? Fin's anger flared and he clenched his jaw. His fingers itched to just squeeze the trigger over and over but he controlled himself.

Amanda took a closer look at Lewis. Other than the hole in his knee, he had a nasty cut on his forehead and some bruising on his face. His eyes were shut and he didn't move as the detectives stepped into the room guns still pointed at him.

Amanda's face was grim. "Call it in Fin, I'll check for a pulse."

"Be careful." Keeping his gun trained on Lewis, Fin pulled out his radio as Rollins dropped to a squat. The second Amanda brought her hand up to check his neck, Lewis lunged at the gun in her other hand.

Amanda swallowed a shriek at the unexpected movement. Fin was startled, dropping his radio on the ground. _Fuck!_ Fin couldn't get a clean shot with Amanda in the way, but luckily she could.

As Lewis's hand wrapped around her wrist, Amanda pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang as the bullet hit him in the gut. His nails bit into her wrist, drawing blood, and his eyes bulged before Lewis let Rollins go, his body seizing. She pushed away from him back into a standing position and the detectives watched as blood spurted out of his newest wound.

As he fell back, he twisted his head, groaning a bit, to stare up at them with an evil grimace. He locked eyes with Fin before he spat out, "You were too late."

Amanda's stomach plummeted and she held back a sob.

Hearing the strangled sound, Lewis turned towards her and managed to smirk through the pain. "But—agh! At least you found her this time."

Fin raised his gun, fury distorting his features, but Amanda stuck her arm out to stop him. "No Fin." She glared down at his bleeding form. "Don't make it easy for him. This looks painful."

Lewis started to spasm and he spat out some blood. He gasped and sweat poured down his face. "You know, I had her begging me to—Aghh!" His words were cut off by a particularly loud grunt of pain.

Fin had heard enough. He moved quickly and used his key to uncuff the handcuffs from the bedpost before twisting Lewis's other arm behind his back roughly. Lewis let out a roar of pain and it was Fin's turn to smirk as he successfully cuffed Lewis's hands behind his back.

As Fin dragged him up to an upright position by the shirt, Lewis couldn't resist getting one last jab in.

His face broke into a disturbing grin as he turned his head to leer at Amanda. Lewis looked insane, rage and horrible lust twisting his face as his eyes bulged.

"She was—agh! The best I ever had."

The words broke the last remnants of self-control Fin had and he let out a roar of fury before throwing Lewis to the ground where he crumpled, finally unconscious.

He had his gun aimed at Lewis's head when he felt Amanda's hand touch his shoulder. He looked back up at her with tears streaming down his face.

She had tears in her eyes too. "Don't Fin," she said simply.

He lowered the gun slowly before his face fell into his hands.

Turning to give him some privacy, Amanda saw Fins radio on the floor next to Lewis's crumpled body and remembered her promise to Cragen. Keeping her gun trained on Lewis, she quickly pulled out her radio to update the captain. Her voice was surprisingly calm and steady. "Lewis is down cap. We have him cuffed and unconscious with a gunshot wound to the abdomen."

Amanda could hear the smile in his voice. "Good. There's already an ambulance on the way, officer Anderson called in shots fired. I'll head over now."

The radio shut off with a crackle of static and Rollins looked down at Lewis's bleeding form with disgust and fury. From the volume of blood on the floor, Amanda was almost certain he was going to die. Thank god. The monster needed to be put down.

She glanced back at Fin who was standing abnormally still, staring at nothing. How Amanda had managed to stop him when she was a second away from doing the same thing, she didn't know. All she knew was that Olivia would need Fin and that wouldn't happen if IAB was investigating him for the execution of William Lewis.

 _Oh damn, IAB_ … Logically she knew no one would be sorry if Lewis died, but she wouldn't put it past IAB to fuck with them. She twisted her wrist slightly and frowned at the sting before realizing the bloody nail marks would confirm the truth. Amanda relaxed marginally. Between that and Fin's testimony, Amanda would be fine. She would be able to be there for Olivia.

If Lewis lived, however… That was another story. If Lewis survived, she wasn't sure she'd be able to sleep at night knowing she let him live. She heard the approaching wail of an ambulance and Fin's head jerked towards her. As their eyes met, she had the strongest urge to barricade the door and refuse to let anyone in until Lewis bled out.

She looked back down at Lewis's bleeding form and prayed for him to die.


	17. But you didn't

**Chapter 17. But you didn't**

Amanda wanted to tell the medics not to bother as they applied pressure to the bullet hole in Lewis's abdomen. As the paramedics spoke to each other in low voices, she couldn't help but try to eavesdrop. She couldn't catch everything but from what she could make out, things weren't looking very good for the bastard. _Perfect._

In the moments before the ambulance arrived, Fin and Rollins had pulled themselves together and avoided looking at the beast bleeding on the floor by surveying the room. It was obvious that Olivia had been put through hell. The smell of the room alone had been indictive of the torture she'd faced; the reek of urine and burnt flesh mixed with the metallic scent of blood causing the seasoned detectives to hold back gags.

Swallowing bile, Fin had inspected the floor first, not quite ready to look too closely at the bed just yet. He had seen a puddle of urine next to the bed and his heart had clenched as he looked at the remaining tattered scraps of Olivia's clothes littering the floor. He had just caught the sight of a couple of coins next to the bed as well before his eyes had been drawn to the ominous sight of the frying pan sitting innocently on the old mattress. As he looked at it, gold metal glinted at him and Fin had known at that moment he would never forget what he saw. The sight of Olivia's badge, bloodied and blackened in places was something that would haunt him for years to come.

For Amanda, it would be the sight of the bloody rope tied to the bedposts that would never leave her. While Fin had avoided it, her eyes had been drawn bed first and she had immediately zeroed in on the rope dangling from the wooden post at the foot of the bed closest to her. The part of the rope not tied to the wood had a rusty color from dried blood and it was kinked, obviously from being in a tight knot for too long. Tearing her eyes away, she had stifled a sob when her eyes were instead drawn to a particularly large bloodstain on the mattress. _Fucking hell._ All she could do was stare at it. She had only been shaken out of her stupor by the arrival of the paramedics who had taken one look at the alarmingly large puddle of blood under Lewis before pushing the two detectives out of the way into the living room.

Fin and Rollins knew the captain would be looking for the two of them soon enough but they didn't move as the medics tried their best to stop the bleeding before lifting Lewis onto a stretcher. Before they went to pick it up, Fin came back in and uncuffed one of his wrists before cuffing him to the stretcher. While Lewis hadn't regained consciousness, it was better to play it safe.

The detectives followed as the paramedics carried Lewis down the porch steps and out to where the ambulance was waiting and ready to bring him to the hospital. Fin and Rollins watched the ambulance doors close with dark expressions on their faces before they turned and walked towards the captain who was talking to the two Ashton officers.

At the sound of their crunching footsteps, Cragen turned and the Ashton officers retreated, sensing that privacy was preferred right now. Cragen held up his hands to stop his detectives from saying anything before he spoke. "First things first. Who pulled the trigger?"

Amanda stepped forward. "Me, Cap."

Cragen's face was serious but the quirk of his lips hinted at a whisper of a smile. "Okay, you did good Amanda. Now I don't want you talking to anyone until your rep shows up, is that clear?"

"Yes sir." Rollins nodded and walked off as the captain gave her a look indicating he needed to talk to Fin alone. Satisfied she was out of earshot, Cragen turned to Fin. "You see what happen?"

"Yeah, the whole thing. It was a good shoot cap, I swear. I would've done the same thing if I had a clear shot."

The captain looked contemplative, "Okay, I believe you. And no one, other than the medics, has been in or out of that cabin, correct?"

Fin nodded, "Yes captain. We made sure no one else could mess up our crime scene."

The captain looked relieved. "Well, that's something at least. We'll have CSU up here asap, but until then, I'm going to need you here to make sure that stays the same. I'll have Munch take Rollins to the hospital for GSR testing and a BAC and meet up with Amaro, see how Liv is doing. I have to deal with the locals, talk jurisdiction." He paused and his eyes narrowed double-checking no one was within earshot. Turning back to Fin, his voice lowered. "How's it looking for Lewis?"

Fin gave a small smile. "Rollins did good, got him right in the gut. Based on the amount of blood on the floor, I wouldn't be surprised if he's DOA." He looked over towards Amanda. "She stopped me, you know." He paused. "Lewis... **taunted** us," he spat out the word, "Told us Liv was..." he shook his head, his face twisted as if tasting something sour, "I mean the bastard had the nerve to **brag** about it, cap!" His fists clenched. "I would've shot him point-blank in the head..."

The captain looked into his detective's haunted eyes. "But you didn't."

Fin nodded, looking distant. "Yeah… But I didn't."

* * *

Olivia wanted nothing more than to shower but instead found herself warding off well-meaning nurses who didn't seem to understand that they couldn't just wash off the blood and other bodily fluids on her leg even if it was to take a closer look at the 'W' on her inner thigh. Sure, she'd be lenient about the burn on her hip but that was only because she could tell how bad that burn was. This one wasn't worth it. Plus, they'd just have to take the bandage off anyways when they took photos of all her injuries, she'd argued, and that blood and other stuff was evidence they wanted to destroy. Her burn could wait.

Olivia had refused all medical treatment other than the IV pumping fluids and pain meds into her dehydrated body and the dressings and antibacterial cream on her hip, insisting on getting the rape kit over and done with. Logically, she knew it wasn't the best idea to wait to get help but she couldn't afford to lose any evidence if Lewis lived. They had to get it all, they had to.

Naturally, the nurses had tried to convince her to get her injuries checked first, calling the doctor over who tried to impress upon her the serious nature of her wounds but when she couldn't be persuaded otherwise, they had finally backed off and called for a SANE nurse.

"Sergeant Benson?" The curtains were pulled aside and a short woman with curly black hair appeared holding a clipboard and a small bag, likely filled with the camera, swabs, and evidence bags necessary for the ordeal.

Olivia cleared her throat. "Um, yes. Call me Olivia."

The woman stepped in and closed the curtain behind her. "Okay, Olivia. My name is Elanor Wilcox." She was probably late-30's early-40's and had a kind face. "I hear you won't accept any medical treatment until we finish up here, so together we'll try and make this go by quickly, alright?"

Olivia nodded, a little surprised Elanor didn't also try and convince her to get checked out first.

Elanor placed the bag down onto a tray near Olivia's hospital bed. "There's a man waiting in the lobby for you. Detective Amaro? Do you want me to go get him for you?"

She could only shake her head. As much as she wanted the quiet support Amaro gave her, she didn't want to see his face as she had to answer each awful question and display each wound to the camera. She'd seen his reaction in the ambulance. The pain in his eyes had scared her.

God she didn't want to do this. The last time had been incredibly violating and she hadn't even been…

She watched as Elanor pulled a chair over and sat down, a clipboard in her hand.

Elanor was speaking softly now, almost too softly. "I'm going to just ask you some questions about your medical history to start out and then we'll—"

Olivia's irritated voice cut her off. "I know how it goes!" The kindness in Elanor's voice grated on her nerves. "I've done this before, you don't have to say every step."

If Elanor was surprised by this, she didn't show it. "Okay, Olivia. Whenever you're ready, we can start then."

Olivia took a deep breath and braced herself before she nodded. She was ready. She would survive this.

* * *

In the end, the rape kit took a little over 2 hours. It was faster than last time, even though there was decidedly more to work with, because Elanor, Olivia quickly found, was an efficient woman. Olivia had been worried after hearing her soft voice that she would coddle her but Elanor showed no pity or shock as Olivia's wounds were exposed and asked as few questions as she could while still getting the information she needed to get the job done. She didn't waste her breath explaining every step to her after Olivia's declaration but she was always careful to let Olivia know where she would touch her before she did. She was, simply put, a pro.

For the most part, Olivia survived the ordeal by blocking out the forensic exam. As far as Olivia knew, Elanor could've taken 10 or 100 swabs from the crime scene that was her body. Olivia had been a robot, opening her mouth when told, moving over "just a smidge, thank you" when needed. She had stood there mutely as Elanor had taken photos of every burn, cut, bruise, and mark on her body and made no sound as Elanor had scraped under her fingernails and combed through her hair. She had, for 2 hours, played the perfect patient, cooperative and quiet. The only time she had shown any signs of life other than pain or discomfort was when she was given antibiotics and contraceptives. She had smiled.

When Elanor finally backed away from her, the exam finally over, Olivia let out a huge breath. Elanor turned to her with a smile. "It's all over now, you did a good job, Olivia."

Olivia gave her best attempt at a smile, her body still tense. "Thanks."

She stared up resolutely at the ceiling as Elanor moved to gather up all the evidence, not wanting to see them. They were all lined up on the tray next to her bed, sealed in neatly labeled evidence bags. The swabs from her mouth, of the blood and other fluids on her legs (her legs had positively glowed under the blacklight), the samples from her bite marks, as well as the swabs from places that had made her cry out and clench her fists as she fought through another flashback.

Elanor's movements ceased. Olivia turned her head when she spoke. "Well, we're all done here. If you'd like I can call the other nurses in here to get started on your injuries, or I could get Detective Amaro? Unless you'd like some space."

Olivia needed her friend. "Um, could you get Detective Amaro?"

"Of course."

As Elanor left with the rape kit, leaving her alone for the first time since her rescue, the tension in Olivia's body lessened slightly and before she knew it, the dams broke and she found herself hunched over sobbing. She let everything wash over her as she fisted the bedsheets, each shake of her body sending jolts of sharp pain through her. Her misery was overwhelming.

At the sound of the curtain being pulled back, she choked back her sobs and brought her hands up to cover her face while attempting to calm her breathing. God, how embarrassing.

"Hey, Liv." Nick's voice was timid. She swiped at her eyes and sucked in a shaky breath.

"H-Hi Nick." She still couldn't look at him just yet and stared down at the cream-colored blankets covering her legs.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her partner grab a chair and pull it over next to her bed. As he sat, Olivia braced herself for the questions he was sure to ask.

"You did good Liv." His voice was steady and left no room for arguments.

The words hit her hard. She lifted her head and turned to see him smiling at her proudly. The sight was too much and her face crumpled again. She lifted her arms towards him and he moved quickly, wrapping his own around her. Olivia sank into his embrace and let the warmth of his steady arms comfort her while his shirt soaked up her tears. His hand ran up and down her back soothingly and she let a shaky breath before pulling back, once again wiping at the tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry for—"

"Liv, don't," he said trying to catch her eyes. "You survived, okay? That in itself is incredible."

Her head jerked noncommittally and Nick caught a glimpse of an unbandaged cigarette burn under her jaw. _Wait…_

"Liv...?" he sounded concerned. "Have they looked at your injuries yet?"

She looked a little guilty as she answered, her voice a little raspy. "Um, no not all of them."

As Nick opened his mouth to speak, Olivia blurted out "Nick, you don't understand, I had to! They were going to wash away evidence! I couldn't let that happen, we need everything, **everything** to put him away. I couldn't risk it, I had to!"

Nick was startled by her vehemence. "Okay, it's okay Liv, I get it."

He felt a stab of guilt. She still didn't know about Lewis.

Fin and Amanda had been correct. Even Lewis couldn't survive a bullet to the gut. According to the medics, Lewis had regained consciousness in the ambulance when he started choking, drowning as blood pooled in his lungs. The medics had tried their best but by the time they had drained the blood out of his lungs, it was over. In the end, the blood loss had won. Without a blood transfusion, every one of his organs had failed and Lewis died, slowly and painfully while moments away from the hospital.

Unfortunately, by the time Nick had heard the news, Olivia had already begun the rape kit and the nurses wouldn't let him in to talk to her.

He looked at his partner. Olivia's eyes begged him to understand why she had risked infection for this. His heart clenched. Hopefully, the news would be taken well. Nick took a deep breath and braced himself. "Liv... While we were here at the hospital, Amanda and Fin found him."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Are they okay, what happened?"

He rushed to reassure her. "They're fine, don't worry. But, Le—um, he," he avoided saying Lewis's name, "was shot. Amanda shot him in the gut. He's dead Liv. You don't have to worry about him ever again."

She looked confused. "He's... dead?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, he died in the ambulance. It's looking like blood loss."

Olivia's eyes were distant as she thought back on the last two hours of her life. Anger started to bubble up in her stomach. "So, I didn't... need to do the rape kit? Why didn't you...? Nick, when did you find out?"

Her partner looked devastated. "Liv, by the time I got the news, the nurses said you had already started the process. I wanted them to stop so I could tell you, but they said that even if the kit wouldn't be used for legal purposes, it would help them understand the extent of your injuries." He paused to let that sink in. "I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia's eyes flashed. "'The extent of my injuries?' God, Nick, how much do you know?"

Nick flushed. "Nothing! I mean, I'm guessing, um... b-but I haven't talked to... uhh... I don't know how to answer that." His voice trailed off and he winced.

He watched as Olivia shut down. Her eyes narrowed and her voice was low and decidedly calm. "If you could call a nurse for me, I need to get my extensive injuries taken care of."

 _Fuck._ That did not go as he expected. He stood up and watched as she stared determinedly away from him before he turned to push aside the curtains.

Before he left, he turned back to her. "Liv, I'm sorry. For everything. And I'll be here for you however I can. I promise you that." He paused. "I'll be right outside in the lobby with Munch." He went to leave again before remembering he should update her on everyone else. "The captain is still dealing with the local PD, and Amanda is almost done getting cleared up with IAB. Fin said he'd be heading here in like 15 minutes so he should be getting here soon. Oh and I think Barba in on his way too."

Olivia could only nod, the onslaught of information slightly overwhelming. There was a pause where all she could hear was the sounds of the hospital around her before she heard the curtain closing and her partner's retreating footsteps.

Alone again. The anger she felt knowing she'd gone through the process for nothing, risked infection for nothing, faded as the curtains closed. Her mind was swimming with all the information and emotions Nick had brought with him, but she had only one thought at the forefront of her mind.

 _William Lewis... is dead._ It didn't seem real.

A shaky hand rose to cover her mouth. _My God... William Lewis is dead._


	18. Still Reeling

**Chapter 18. Still Reeling**

Munch stood up as Nick walked back into the lobby. "That was quick." As Amaro collapsed on the chair next to him, Munch took in his weary expression with apprehension. "How is she?"

Nick lifted his head up from his hands to look up at him. "When I walked in, she was sobbing, Munch."

Munch's eyebrows shot up.

"Liv. Sobbing!" Amaro shook his head and Munch sat down next to him. "She put off getting medical attention to get the rape kit done because 'we need all the evidence we can get to put him away.'" His voice was getting louder and angrier. "She risked infection or worse because she wanted to make sure we'd get it right this time. I had to look her in the eye tell her that the last 2 hours of violation she put herself through would be for nothing. The bastard is lucky he's dead or I'd kill him."

A familiar voice rang out over Nick's. "I'd probably help you do it, detective, but if I were you, I'd either lower your voice or try to keep those thoughts to yourself."

Both he and Munch jumped as Barba interrupted Amaro who's voice had been rapidly approaching a volume inappropriate for a hospital setting.

Nick flushed as he realized how loud he'd gotten and automatically bristled at Barba's words. His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "I'll keep that in mind, counselor."

While Amaro and Barba shot daggers at each other, Munch surveyed the lawyer. He was as sharply dressed as usual but there was no hiding the bags under his eyes or the stubble on his face. Barba's shoulders were up by his ears, his brow was wrinkled, and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked the epitome of stressed.

"Barba, how are you?"

Munch's greeting seemed to pull him back to reality. Barba waved his hand as if swatting a fly. "Never mind that, how's Olivia? Is she okay?" Amaro opened his mouth to answer but there was no stopping Barba as all the questions that had been plaguing him during the agonizingly long drive up burst out. He spoke a mile a minute. "Where did you find her? What about Lewis? You said he's dead but does Liv know? Is she even awake, what—!"

"Barba!" Munch's voice cut him off. He put a calming hand on his shoulder. "Let the man talk."

Amaro was reeling from the barrage of questions. "Well I don't know too much about Lewis but yeah, he's dead."

Sensing they were about to get hounded with more questions from the anxious counselor, Munch jumped in. "I brought Rollins here for GSR testing, she's with her rep and IAB now but she should be wrapping up soon. She didn't tell me what happened of course but she shot him in the abdomen and he died in the ambulance. They're thinking blood loss but he did die after choking on his own blood so that's something."

Barba nodded a little impatiently, "Okay good, that's good, but what about Olivia? No has told me anything!"

Amaro and Munch exchanged a look much to the chagrin of the lawyer.

"Well?" He glared at the two men.

Munch sighed up at him. "Well, she's up and awake at least. She was pretty dehydrated when we found her. We'll find out more soon." Barba nodded but clearly wasn't satisfied with his answer. Munch eyed the irate lawyer before speaking. "Barba, what I said yesterday still stands. Liv deserves one person who she can tell everything to on her own terms. You should be that person for her."

Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed out slowly. "Fine. Fine!" He sat down on the free chair across from the two men. "Can she see anyone at least?"

Nick leaned back in his seat. "They're looking at some of her injuries right now but I told the nurse to let us know when she's good for visitors."

Silence fell over the three of them. Barba shifted in his chair; he found the silence deafening.

He spoke softly this time. "At least tell me... Is she going to be okay?"

Amaro sighed and any leftover irritation he had towards the lawyer faded. "I don't know Barba."

Rafael nodded and leaned back into his seat, tapping his fingers against his leg. Maybe it was the coffee or maybe it was the horrible feeling of dread that had taken residence in his stomach, but he couldn't sit still. He had to do something to help. Now.

He shot up from the chair, startling the other two. "I can't just sit here. I'm going to get Olivia some things for her stay."

Amaro gave a nod, his eyes distant, and Munch gave him a weak smile.

"I'll be back," he turned to leave before thinking better. "Actually, give me your phone."

If Munch was surprised or confused he didn't show it and he immediately handed his cell over to the tightly wound ADA. Barba quickly tapped out his number and gave it back to Munch.

"Call me the second there's any news," he paused before wincing a little at his tone. "Um, please."

Munch patted his arm. "I will."

Barba gave a sharp nod, clenching his jaw, and headed down the hall to do his part in helping his friend.

* * *

After Amaro had left, Olivia had become numb, still reeling from the news that William Lewis was dead. She tried to wrap her head around it, told herself she was safe now, but couldn't stop the hypervigilance that kept her body tense and her eyes open despite her deep exhaustion. Her body wouldn't let her rest yet and her mind was still in shock so she found herself focusing on what she could — the physical aftermath of her attack.

It had taken a couple of hours of poking and prodding by medical professionals but Olivia now knew she had a mild concussion and a sprained wrist along with numerous minor cuts on her legs and several bite marks on her chest and stomach. She also had several different cigarette burns. Luckily, she'd been told, they and the 'W' on her inner thigh would likely heal up on their own with the proper care. Her two more serious burns, the ones from the coin and her badge, had, unfortunately, required more attention.

Comparatively, the cuts, bites, and the chaffing of her wrists and ankles had been the easiest to deal with. The wounds had been cleaned and the worst of them now had simple bandages covering them. Her more mild burns were significantly harder to deal with emotionally, although simple to deal with physically; the doctors had left the 'W' and each one of her cigarette burns unbandaged, covering them instead with a thin layer of ointment that effectively dulled the pain and protected from infection.

As for her serious burns, she had been lucky, relatively speaking. To her extreme relief, Olivia had narrowly escaped needing a skin graft for either of these second-degree burns and fortunately, the one from her badge that had the doctors so worried showed no sign of infection. While the burn from the coin would heal with time and leave a fairly manageable scar, the badge burn would probably take longer to heal and require plastic surgery to avoid extensive scarring. For now, they had applied specialty waterproof burn dressings to both of them.

To her extreme annoyance, the doctor who had dressed these serious burns had told Olivia this information with enough pity in her voice to set her teeth grinding and it was in this anger that she had insisted on being told whatever results they had come up with from her rape kit. Like Nick had said, it would help her understand the "extent of her injuries" after all. The doctor had been skeptical but relented seeing the dark look on the NYPD Sergeant's face. While on the surface it wasn't very different from being briefed on any other vic, hearing about her own "significant tearing and bruising" had been far more painful than she had anticipated.

It was after that briefing that she had begun to unravel, the tension in her body growing and constricting her breathing until finally, _Finally!_ the doctors ceased. She was so relieved to be left alone that she didn't even argue about discharge papers, allowing herself to be transferred to another room that had a real door instead of a curtain as well as an adjoining bathroom. She would be staying overnight for observation. The sight of the adjoining bathroom had reminded her of the sweat and grime adding to her discomfort and she immediately insisted on taking a shower. The nurse agreed but first had to go get her a change of clothes.

Olivia had been running her fingers through her greasy hair slowly, eyes distant when she heard the small knock on the door.

She cursed herself for jumping at the small noise and gave a small "Come in!" surprised to find that the nurse had come back empty-handed.

Before she could complain, the nurse spoke. "I have a Mr. Barba here, he brought you some things if that's okay."

Olivia looked surprised but recovered quickly, "Oh, yeah, sure. Let him in."

Olivia couldn't help gripping at her hospital gown and pulling it up a little as her friend walked into the room holding a plastic bag. Rafael didn't miss the movement but didn't comment as he smiled at Olivia.

"Hey Liv," he said simply as if she wasn't in a hospital bed after being kidnapped by a psychopath. "I brought you some stuff. Thought it might be better than whatever the hospital would have." He brought a chair over and sat next to her.

Olivia was overcome with emotion at his thoughtfulness, both in bringing this and in his nonchalant greeting. "Oh, thank you, Rafael." He placed the bag on the bed next to her and she looked in and saw that along with some soft-looking clothes, he had brought shampoo and body wash and even a toothbrush and some toothpaste.

Her eyes started to water again and she blinked rapidly to get rid of any moisture. _Oh my god, pull yourself together Olivia!_

Rafael was talking again. "Of course, Liv. Whatever you need." He paused and appeared to be grappling with himself before making up his mind. "How are you holding up?"

Somehow his questioning her seemed less invasive than if someone else were to ask. She bit her lip and instead of her usual "I'm fine," she decided to be honest with him.

"I'm s-struggling." Her voice broke. "I've got some bad burns…" She shook her head a bit. "I just—I just want to shower."

Rafael wrung his hands a bit nervously but brightened a bit at the idea of a tangible way to help her. "Okay. Let's make that happen then. I can go turn on the hot water if you want?"

A little surprised, Olivia could only nod, thankful that it would give her time to get into a standing position.

_Gracias a Dios._ Grateful to have something helpful to do, Rafael stood and walked over to the adjoining bathroom. Along with a toilet and sink, it had a fairly spacious shower with a pull-down seat. He pushed aside the curtain and set up the seat before turning on the spray. He kept his hand under the water, waiting to adjust the temperature if needed, thinking about how out of his depth he felt.

His best friend looked so lost and he didn't know what to do about it.

When he had walked in, his eyes had been drawn to the red rings circling her wrists where it looked like her skin had been rubbed raw. His mind had gone into overdrive, and it took all his years of practice as an ADA to school his features and act like everything was fine when it so clearly wasn't. His heart had clenched when he had also seen the circular burn under her jaw. Luckily she had been examining the contents of the bag so she didn't see it when a flicker of grief clouded his features. As anxious as he was for information, he didn't want to press her for any explanations just yet; when she had looked at him, her eyes had been… dull. It scared him.

Satisfied the water wouldn't scald her, Rafael pulled his hand out from under the spray and himself out of his thoughts before walking back into the room. Olivia was sitting on the side of the hospital bed, her legs dangling. Her face was flushed and she had sweat on her forehead.

_Fuck._ He should've helped her up. He cleared his throat a bit and Liv looked over to him. "What can I..?"

She motioned for him to come over. "Can you…?"

"Yeah, yeah of course."

When he went to help her up she jumped a bit and said loudly "No, I meant grab the bag! …Please."

Barba flushed. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." He moved away to grab the bag.

Olivia's heart had started racing when he had moved close to her and she felt a pang of guilt for reacting the way she had, followed closely by a stab of irritation at Barba for assuming, before again landing on guilt as she took in his flushed face.

Her voice was soft. "It's okay." She moved to stand up and couldn't hold back a small groan. _Fucking hell._ She turned back to Rafael, biting her lip. "Actually… I'm gonna take you up on that."

"Okay." He came over slowly and stood next to her holding out his arm for her to grab on to. He let her use his arm as leverage until she was upright. Together, they made their way slowly towards the bathroom, Olivia leaning on Rafael for support.

As they stepped into the bathroom, Rafael hung the bag on one of the hooks next to one with a white towel before pulling out the shampoo and body wash. Olivia backed away from him and stood there, swaying a little on her feet.

He placed the bottles on the little seat, soaking his sleeves in the process. Barba shook his arms out a little before he cleared his throat. "Um, there we go. I'll just be…" he motioned outside and she nodded. He retreated, glancing back at his friend who looked smaller than he'd ever seen her.

As the door closed, she wrapped her arms around herself, sucking in a shaky breath. Rafael's kindness had wormed its way into her system and she swallowed a lump in her throat as numbness was replaced by dull, throbbing grief. Shaking her head a little as memories pulled at her, she focussed on the sound of water hitting tile instead.

Taking a quick look around she found that the air, muggy from the hot water, had fogged the mirror over the sink. She was glad; Olivia wasn't ready to look at herself, at the aftermath just yet. Her skin was crawling. She needed to shower. Now.

She took the splint on her wrist off first, wincing a bit as it fell to the floor. Letting out a breath, her shaky hands untied the gown covering her body and she pushed it off her shoulders. As it fell to the floor, she kept her eyes resolutely upwards, afraid of how she'd react to the sight of her battered body.

Pulling the curtains aside with a metallic scrape, she stepped into the warm water and groaned in relief as warmth enveloped her. Ever since she had stumbled out of hell into the spring air wearing only her attacker's coat, a chill had settled under her skin. She felt herself start to thaw.

Seated and lathering her hands, Olivia watched with disgusted fascination as the white bubbles turned a rusty pink from the blood on her hands. As she washed the rest of her body, careful of her sprained wrist and careful not to look too closely at herself, she let her tears mix with the water as her wounds stung.

Nothing felt better than the feeling of sweat, grime, and blood washing off her body. Her relief was overwhelming as the pink-tinted water swirled down the drain. She found herself breathing easier, the tension in her body washing away, too.

When the water finally ran clear, she pushed herself up from the seat and turned the knob to shut the water off. The cold air hit her and she quickly pushed the curtain aside to grab the hospital towel. Wrapping it around her body, Olivia grimaced as the coarse material rubbed against her various wounds. After carefully and painfully patting herself dry, she stepped out from the shower.

She bent over to grab her splint first, gritting her teeth at the effort before moving to grab the plastic bag. Olivia felt a rush of affection so very different from the dull grief that had overtaken her as she pulled out the clothes Rafael got her. _What a good man._

Getting dressed turned out to be an awkward and painful process that had her leaning against the tiled wall and letting out puffs of air but after a while, she triumphed, successfully dressed in a soft t-shirt, some baggy sweatpants, and a hoodie. The clothes swallowed her and gave her a sense of security. She felt human again.

The feeling was so comforting that her guard dropped marginally and she felt a wave of exhaustion flow through her body. Hypervigilance was incredibly draining.

Before the exhaustion could take away her ability to walk, she pushed off from where she was leaning on the wall and made her way over to the door. As the door opened, Rafael's head swiveled to look at her. He was sitting in the chair next to her bed, his jacket with the wet sleeves draped over the back, the cuffs of his sleeves rolled up. He gave her a broad smile, glad to see her looking moderately more relaxed.

She made her way back over, a little unsteady on her feet and Rafael had to remind himself not to rush to help her when she didn't ask. "Any better?" he asked hopefully.

Olivia gave him a weak smile. "Much. Thank you again for the clothes and soap."

As she sat back down on the bed, Rafael reached out to her and Olivia grabbed his hand gratefully. "Olivia..." His voice was gently chastising. "Of course! You don't have to thank me for that. I'm just glad I could help."

Olivia gave a real smile at that, one that reached her eyes. "Still. Thanks."

Rafael smiled back before steeling himself. He had taken the time to formulate his thoughts. She frowned a bit, sensing he was about to say something serious. His eyes were intense as he leaned forward, still holding her hand.

"I was at the precinct when Amaro called the captain. As everyone rushed off to find you, I had to stay behind. It was agony feeling so useless. When I was told to back off and let them work, I was so angry and scared that I almost punched Cragen." He let out a little chuckle and Liv's lips curled upwards a bit. He pressed on. "I simply don't have the words to tell you how relieved I felt when I got the call from Fin saying they'd found you and now that you're back, now that you're **safe** , I'm going to do whatever I can to help you Liv." She was openly crying now but stayed quiet as he continued. "I don't know what NYPD is going to need from you, if or when they'll want a statement, but I want you to know that you can tell me everything or nothing, now or years from now, and I'll still be here for you, okay? I've got your back."

Maybe it was the way he said all this with no pity in his eyes, speaking sincerely and with a passion rivaling that of his best closing statements or maybe it was the way he held her hand, squeezing it softly at all the right moments, rubbing his thumb over hers but Olivia couldn't stop the tidal wave of emotions from spilling out of her as she said it out loud for the first time.

"He raped me. Lewis raped me."


	19. Are You Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Olivia has a nightmare

**Chapter 19. Are You Ready**

_Olivia couldn't stop the tidal wave of emotions from spilling out of her as she said it out loud for the first time._ _"He raped me. Lewis raped me."_

* * *

Oh it hurt. It physically hurt. Her own words stabbed her, and Olivia tore her hand from his and doubled over, curling into herself. Admitting it, saying it out loud, made it so agonizingly real for the first time, and the fleeting feeling of security and comfort her shower and soft clothes had brought her shattered.

The words continued to pour out of her as if she were trying to expel poison from her system. "He tied me down…" she absently rubbed at her wrist covered by the splint, "Told me to c-choose. Burning metal or him." She lifted her head up from between her knees and locked eyes with Rafael. Her eyes were glistening and haunted, but no tears fell. "I chose him."

She buried her head back between her legs, retreating into herself, leaving Barba reeling. He had been struck dumb, speechless by her outcry. His mouth had gone dry and all he could hear was a dull ringing in his ears as he watched her shoulders shake.

He didn't know what to do, didn't know whether to reach out to her or back away, talk or stay silent. All he knew was she didn't deserve this. She didn't fucking deserve this.

He spoke softly, tentatively. "Liv?" Other than a quick intake of breath, Olivia gave no indication that she'd heard him. "I'm sorry."

She brought her hand up from where it had been wrapped around her legs to clutch at her hair, face still hidden before speaking. Her voice was muffled. "I know."

"What do you need right now?" he asked, encouraged by her response.

At that, she brought her head up, her hand still tangled in her still-damp hair. "Stay?"

"Of course."

And they stayed that way, Liv curled up in a ball, head on her knees staring at nothing, Rafael sitting beside her, a silent but steady presence. After a while, starting to nod off, Olivia let go of her legs and let them stretch out before her. She moved awkwardly, her limbs stiff from being in one position for so long and moved under the covers. The exhaustion was finally settling in.

As Olivia's breathing deepened and her body relaxed, Rafael prayed she would find a dreamless sleep.

* * *

They were now reaching six hours since Olivia had been found and besides Barba, who was still with her, Amaro was the only one of them who had seen her so far.

The lobby closest to Liv's new room had been turned into an unofficial office of sorts for the squad because people, for some reason, seemed to avoid the room filled with several armed and anxious cops. By the time Olivia had been relocated, CSU had finally arrived at the cabin freeing Fin up to join Munch and Amaro at the hospital. When he arrived, his face had been murderous, and it had taken over an hour to get more than angry one-word answers out of him. Amanda had been the next to join them in the lobby after she finished up with her bloodwork and GSR testing in record time, telling IAB to essentially screw off because she had 24 hours before she had to give her statement. She had annoyed the rest of them by pacing until Amaro lost it and yelled at her to sit down.

When Cragen had walked into the lobby, his detectives had swallowed all their questions as they saw his irritated face. The Captain had just finished up with the local precinct and was now fielding calls from the higher-ups at 1PP who wanted a press conference as soon as possible. He had been fighting them off for the last hour. He would see his sergeant first before the vultures swarmed him for details.

Speaking of vultures, he knew it was only a matter of time before IAB called wanting a statement from Olivia. No matter how obvious the circumstances were, this was still an officer-related shooting and protocol had to be followed. He was hoping he could convince them to allow himself or one of her fellow detectives to interview her, but he really didn't know what they would do. They wouldn't wait forever though, the news of her abduction was still garnering media attention; it was only a matter of time before they caught wind of Lewis's death.

On the drive to the hospital, Cragen had made some calls to confirm that Lewis's body was already off to Warner, who would hopefully help confirm Amanda's statement. When she gave it, at least. He hadn't approved of her decision to wait to give her statement, but he understood it. Like him, Rollins just wanted to know Liv was okay.

The ring of the captain's cell phone distracted everyone but Fin who was on a phone call of his own in the corner. Cragen stood and walked over out of earshot of his curious detectives and Amaro watched his captain's face darken as he listened to whatever the other person was saying. He felt a twinge of anxiety as the captain gave an overtly upset response to the person on the phone. Whatever this was, it couldn't be good.

Not wanting to be caught staring he turned away and ended up locking eyes with Amanda who had been watching the exchange as well. Her worried expression mirrored his as she mouthed _What was that all about?_ Amaro could only shake his head.

Cragen ended the call with a scowl on his face. _Damn IAB_. Sometimes he hated it when he was right. The bastards hadn't even waited for the ink to dry on Lewis's death certificate before they wanted to harass Liv. Fortunately, they'd relented and had agreed to his suggestion about his squad interviewing her but insisted that he be there to supervise.

He walked back toward his detectives who were trying their best to look like they hadn't been trying to eavesdrop. Cragen ran his hand down his face before speaking. "IAB needs a statement from Olivia."

"WHAT?" Amaro's face was twisted with anger as he jumped out of his chair, startling Amanda in the process.

Unlike Amaro, Munch stayed where he was, seeming unsurprised but disgusted as he shook his head. "Typical IAB."

Fin turned away from the corner, lowering his phone at the commotion. "A statement? Already?" His face was incredulous, shocked at IAB's callousness.

Cragen gave a nod, displeasure written across his features. "Yes. With this being so high profile, they want to be able to cover all their bases. They'll only let us do the interview so long as I am there, and we video it."

Amanda's voice was higher than usual and dripping with sarcasm "Well isn't that nice of them?!" She threw her hands up in the air. "So, what now? We have to decide who Olivia would be most comfortable with? Or ask her, 'Oh hey Liv, hope you're alright, by the way, which one of us do you want asking probing questions about your kidnap and torture?'"

Cragen gave her a sharp look. "That's not helping anything Rollins. As of right now, we'll decide who's going to do this unless Olivia ends up asking for someone in particular, got it?"

There was a slight pause as the detectives looked at each other, unsure of how to proceed until Fin stepped forwards. "I can do it."

At his words, Amaro bristled, about to remind Fin that Olivia was HIS partner, before remembering the look on her face when she asked him to leave earlier. His voice was quiet and resigned when he spoke. "I think that'd be best. She was upset with me earlier."

Munch and Rollins simply nodded in agreement.

Cragen looked at Fin, remembering his venomous anger at Lewis. "You sure you can do this?"

He locked eyes with his captain. There was no doubt in his voice. "Yes. I'm sure."

The captain nodded, "Okay then. Text Barba. Let's see how she's doing."

* * *

_She felt warm hands on her bare stomach and opened her eyes a crack, unwilling to wake up quite yet. She could make out a dark form leaning over her and gasped as her eyes focused to see William Lewis hovering over her body._

_"Good morning Olivia," he murmured into her ear. His lips pressed against her neck and her body jerked._

_She tried to pull away from him but couldn't move. Why couldn't she move?! She frantically shook her head. "No, no, no, you're dead, they said you were dead!"_

_"Oh, they did, did they? Well, don't take that to heart now darling, you know I wouldn't leave my girls all alone to fend for themselves in this cruel world, would I sweetheart?" He pouted at her mockingly and ran his hands over her swollen belly._

_"W-what?"_

_"Our baby girl! Remember? We made her together. Don't tell me you've forgotten already?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "I can remind you."_

_And suddenly he was crushing her, pushing himself inside her, while she cried. He laughed at her as she struggled beneath him and started to thrust faster. "Yes! Yes, just like that baby!"_

"NO!"

Olivia shot up in the hospital bed breathing hard, sweat pouring down her back. Her head whipped around, and she let out a cry of shock when she saw Barba sitting in a chair next to her. His hair was mussed up, flat on one side, as he blinked at her with bleary eyes and sluggish surprise. Clearly her outburst had just woken him up too.

Rafael shook his head trying to clear away the fogginess of sleep and held up his hands to show he meant no harm. "Olivia!" Her eyes were still darting around searching for a threat. "Olivia, look at me. You're in the hospital, you're safe."

Her eyes met his, her heart still pounding as she clutched her stomach. "Lewis. He's dead, right? Please tell me he's dead!"

"Yes!" Rafael nodded profusely. "Lewis is dead, Liv. He's gone. I promise."

Olivia let out a shaky breath. "Okay… Okay. It was just a dream..." She was still trembling, her hands wrapped around her stomach. "Just a dream."

He cocked his head to the side trying to catch her eye. "Do you... want to talk about it?" Rafael's voice was a little timid.

"No." Her tone left no room for discussion.

"Okay."

They let silence fall over them and Olivia's breathing slowly grew more even as time passed, her heart rate approaching normal.

After a while, Rafael cleared his throat and she turned to him expectantly. He looked reluctant to speak.

"Fin texted me a little while after you fell asleep. He told me they need a statement from you."

Olivia had been expecting this, but her heart still leapt to her throat. She swallowed hard. "Okay."

"Do you want me to let them know you're awake?"

"Not yet. Just… give me a minute."

After the last time, when she gave her statement at the 1-6, she had sat ramrod straight in her chair speaking quietly but calmly about her four days in hell. She had been clinical and detached as she described the torture Lewis put her through, stopping only to drink water when the memories were too strong.

The last time had been hell, but this time… this time would be worse.

She readied herself, slipping uncomfortably back into the role of NYPD Sergeant. She squared her shoulders and schooled her expression, her armor coming back bit by bit. When she turned to Barba her eyes were hard and determined; only her trembling hands betrayed her, proof of how she really felt. He looked at her questioningly, the inquiry clear. _Are you ready?_

"I'm ready."


	20. Her Statement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Liv recounts her time with Lewis

**Chapter 20. Her Statement**

Olivia had refused to be filmed laying in her hospital bed like an invalid, so she instead sat uncomfortably in a chair facing down the camera. Before they would let anyone talk to her, Olivia's doctors had checked all her wounds, reapplied the ointment to her burns, and changed the dressing on her hip and chest. She just went along with it, too nervous to muster the energy required to complain. Once they were finally satisfied, the doctors had allowed Fin and Captain Cragen into her little hospital room bringing in some chairs a folding table.

Before they came in, however, Olivia had pulled Barba aside and asked that he leave for the interview. She didn't want to burden him with her memories just yet. He had simply nodded, telling her she'd do great, giving her hand a little squeeze before turning to leave.

Olivia couldn't help feeling a little trapped as she sat facing the only exit out of there, her two colleagues, a table, and a camera between her and relative freedom. Sensing her discomfort, Fin brought over a pitcher of water and a glass, setting it in front of her. Olivia gave him a weak smile leaving it untouched for now.

She still hadn't said a word to either of them when Cragen finally stopped fiddling with the camera. When she kept glancing at the door, the older man realized who she was waiting for.

"It's just going to be us conducting the interview. IAB said they'd make an exception so long as I was there and," he gestured to the camera, "we film it."

Her pride took a hit knowing the rat squad was feeling sympathetic towards her, but she nodded, relaxing marginally. "Good. That's good."

The sound of her voice took the edge off of Fin's worry and he spoke. "We'll go at your pace, Liv, no one else's. IAB can go to hell."

She gave him a real smile at that. "Thanks, Fin."

As he sat down across from her, Olivia's smile faded, and she felt her walls go up again. Armor in place, she nodded at them indicating they could begin. Cragen turned on the recorder.

"Why don't we start at the beginning? What happened at the restaurant?"

Olivia swallowed and closed her eyes, knowing it could help her with recall. She'd been a little worried about memory issues, but fortunately (or unfortunately), everything was seared into her mind clear as day. Her voice was steady and clear as she spoke, "Amaro and I were at a restaurant, following up on an alibi. The guy we were supposed to talk to bolted, so we made chase. When I saw him running off towards the subway, I told Amaro to keep going, that I'd take the car, and try to cut him off before he got there." She swallowed hard, remembering what came next. "I wasn't looking where I was going, the keys were getting stuck in my pocket… I just—I just ran into him…" Her eyes were distant.

Fin's voice was quiet but clear as her voice trailed off, trying to get her back on track. "Can you say who you ran into, for the record?"

She nodded, staring down at her hands "It was William Lewis," She said the name in a rush and pressed on, her voice decidedly rougher and more hesitant. "When I ran into him, I almost fell over so he, um," she rubbed at her wrist absentmindedly, "caught me by the arms." She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to sort through the colors and sounds in her mind. "I had dropped the keys on the ground... I didn't see it was Lewis at first, but I knew when he spoke." She looked directly at the camera now, "I went for my gun, but he had one too, pointed at me. His jacket hid it, people in the restaurant were yelling, I don't think anyone saw. H-he told me he would shoot civilians if I didn't go with him."

 _Of course, he did._ Cragen felt a rush of hot rage and clenched his fists under the table. He had been worried about how Fin would react but maybe he should've been more worried about himself.

Olivia continued on her voice decidedly stronger now; she seemed to have gotten into a rhythm, "He walked me over to where he had a car waiting, the gun pressed into my side. He took my gun from the h-holster." Her voice caught and her armor slipped a little as she relived the desperation she'd felt. "I couldn't **do** anything—I mean, I didn't have my phone…" She stared at her hands, trying to expel the emotions threatening to make it over her carefully constructed walls. She sucked in a breath and continued, "He handcuffed me to the door and drove away." She paused and busied herself with pouring water.

Fin heart ached as he watched her use the time to collect herself as she poured the water into her glass. "What happened next?"

Her eyes were far away as she remembered Lewis's words. "He was talking, and I made him angry, so he slammed on the brakes and pulled over." Her hand rose towards her head distractedly. "I slid forward and hit my head and he punched me in the face." Both men could see the bruise and held back winces. "I, uh, I screamed so he," she touched her neck lightly with her fingers, "slammed his arm into my throat to shut me up."

Cragen's eyes closed for a second or two too long as he pictured Lewis choking her and ignored the pain in his chest.

"I couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to pass out. When he finally got off of me, he shoved pills in my mouth and poured vodka down my throat. He made me swallow it. He, um, duct-taped my legs…" She squeezed her eyes shut; it was fuzzier after this. "I think he asked me questions… I don't remember exactly what I said… but then I must've passed out."

Olivia could feel the chalky pills on her tongue, taste the burning vodka. She swallowed bile. She hated how her hands shook as she desperately sipped some water.

As she set the glass down, she really looked at her colleagues for the first time since they'd begun the interview. Their faces were decidedly neutral, but she saw the vein pulsing on Fin's neck and the way the Captain's jaw was clenched. She felt a pang of guilt at the sight, but it reminded her that she needed to get this over and done with.

She didn't wait for prompting before she continued, "When I finally woke up, he was pouring water on my face. He, uh, he k-kissed me," she could barely get the word out, "He cuffed my hands behind my back and pulled me out of the car." The ominous sight of the cabin was burned into her mind; her voice dropped to a whisper. "We were in front of a cabin."

Fin could see it in his mind's eye, imagining her staring up at the derelict structure. He didn't want to know what happened next.

"I-I panicked and pushed off of him." She could feel the bruising from where she'd fallen onto her side. As she spoke, she felt herself losing her grip on reality, the flashback pulling at her. "I tried to crawl away but he pinned me in the dirt," she could feel the rocks on her cheek, his hand on her back; she was starting to breathe heavily, "He flipped me over and I just stared up at the sky and I knew I wouldn't—" she let out a strangled noise and swallowed hard. "I knew I would die."

She allowed herself five seconds to recover and get a grip on her emotions before Olivia forged ahead, her voice almost robotic as she recalled her experience.

"He picked me up and dragged me inside to the kitchen. He threw me on a chair and kept my gun pointed at me. There were some bags waiting on the table and he pulled out a pack of cigarettes," her nose crinkled as she remembered him blowing smoke in her face. "He told me he wasn't going to," she swallowed thickly, "uh, 'r-rape me just like that' without a warm-up first and he put the cigarette out on my neck." Olivia wrapped both of her hands around the cool glass to ground herself. "He dragged me towards the bedroom, and I think he pistol-whipped me? My head was aching when I woke up."

Fin felt helpless as he took note of how hard she was breathing. "We can take a break if you want."

"No. No, I just have to get it over with," she said, a look of exhausted determination on her face. She squared her shoulders and allowed herself one deep breath before continuing. "When I came to, my hands were tied with rope to the bedposts. Lewis was sitting there on my legs and he slapped me. He got off of me and started dragging my gun down my body," she shivered at the memory, "and he told me I wanted this." Her eyes glazed over. "I don't know what I said but I yelled at him. My ears were ringing, he screamed at me…"

Cragen could see her going down into the dark memory and spoke, "What did he do next?"

"I thought he was going to hit me, but he went over to one of the bags." Behind her armor, she was dying. _I can't do this._ "He told me that I was going b-beg for death," she gulped for air, "and showed me the hammer he was going to use to kill me." She couldn't stop now; if she did she would collapse. She remembered what came next, the humiliation and disgust literally dripping on her face and her mind rebelled telling her superior officer and respected friend about the debasement she had faced. No. She wouldn't tell them. They didn't need to know everything.

She continued, skipping ahead a bit. "He crawled on top of me with a knife and cut through the duct tape on my legs. I tried to kick at him, but he managed to tie both my ankles to the bedposts…" She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head a little. "He, um, he got off of me and left the room. I tried to pull at my restraints, but I couldn't break free. When he came back, he was holding a frying pan and some tongs."

That fucking frying pan. The sight of Olivia's bloodied badge came unbidden to his mind and Fin knew what was coming next.

Every burn, every taunt was seared into her mind. "He put it down on a table next to the bed and got some scissors." She was rushing now to get it over with; she was starting to sweat. "He cut my clothes off and burned me with a coin, cigarettes, some wire, and my badge. Then he…" Olivia felt like she was standing on a precipice now, the awful truth threatening to pull her down. "He…" The words were on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't spit it out. Her shaking hand rose to cover her mouth.

The two men could see the war waging behind her eyes, and it was Fin who spoke softly. "What did he do Liv?"

Her eyes met his and he could almost see the moment she detached from herself. Olivia's hand lowered and her face was completely blank when she spoke. "He raped me."

Cragen flinched and Fin swallowed heavily. Both men aged 10 years right before her eyes, but she didn't notice. She was detached, numb. They couldn't speak so she did, hating the silence.

"When he," her face twisted, "finished, he taunted me. He threatened to kill me when I wouldn't give him a reaction. I remember he, uh, called me a wet blanket." The captain's eyes flashed with anger as she paused, tasting bile at the back of her throat.

"I called his bluff though, said he wouldn't kill me yet." His words echoed in her mind. _There are other ways to make you comply detective._ "I decided to bait him. When Lewis gets angry he makes mistakes. I told him you would follow every mistake he'd made and find me." The corners of her lips lifted a little. "Guess I was right."

"What did he do when you said that?" Cragen asked.

Her eyes darkened. "He grabbed at the burn on my thigh until I screamed. I thought he was going to," she paused as she shuddered a bit, "c-continue but I must've spooked him. He ended up leaving. I could hear him in the other room before I passed out."

"How long was he gone for?" Fin questioned.

"I-I don't know. I don't—I said I passed out, Fin!" Olivia's voice was agitated as she tried to concentrate, finding that her memories were starting to swirl together into a confusing blur. _Breathe Olivia._ Some of her resolve broke. Fuck whatever IAB would think. She let her face fall into her hands.

Fin swallowed his guilt. "Liv, do you need a break?" he asked, sounding a little desperate.

Her voice was muffled through her hands. "Just… give me a minute." Olivia used the quiet to help center herself until she could carry on. As her agitation faded, her mind cleared. She lifted her head from her hands with a determined expression before continuing.

"I don't know how long Lewis was gone but when I woke up, the door was closed, and he had cuffed my left hand to the bed, too. I guessed that he had left the cabin for some reason." Her eyes grew hard. "I knew then that even though I didn't know how I'd do it, I had to try to escape."

Fin's voice was soft, "How did you do it?"

"I saw that the rope tying my right hand to the bed was fraying." She squeezed her eyes shut, "Everything else faded, I couldn't… I couldn't feel the pain, I just kept pulling at the rope until it snapped." Olivia's body was flooded with relief as she recounted the memory. If she hadn't, if the rope hadn't…

"You had one hand free now?" Fin prompted.

"Yes. Yes, but I couldn't reach my ankles with my other hand tied and cuffed. I had to free my other hand first. It took a couple of tries but I managed to untie the rope around my wrist. Lewis had left the—" Olivia gagged. She swallowed heavily before continuing. "Sorry, sorry. He left the frying pan next to the bed, so I grabbed the wire he used to brand me to pick the lock on the cuffs. I remember it was still warm, I almost dropped it." She remembered her panic and sucked in a deep breath. "But it worked. I picked the lock. Once I untied my feet, I crawled off the bed and went for the bag he'd left there."

The sight of her face breaking into a smile, so unlike the pain or the blank numbness they'd seen so far, was incredibly disarming. "He had left his gun. It was right there in the bag."

The captain felt pride swell in his chest. "You did good Liv. What happened when he came back?"

Her smile faded. "I hid behind the door. When Lewis came back, he was talking about dumping the car somewhere. I knew I'd need it if you guys didn't find me, so when he came in the room and saw me missing, I held the gun to the back his head and disarmed him." She closed her eyes again; this next part happened so fast… "He just kept **talking** and I knew I had to do something before he made a move. I—I shot him in the knee." She brought her hand up to rub at her temple, trying to make sense of the rushing colors and noises in her mind.

Her words came out more stilted now, littered with pauses as she sorted through the mess. "He, uh, fell forward and… hit his head on the side table." Her eyes were still squeezed shut and she cocked her head to the side. "He tried to, to lunge for the bag with the hammer, but he missed." She watched in her mind as he hit the ground hard, "He was, um, stunned? Didn't move… So I hit him in the head with the gun."

The men watched as her mouth twisted with disgust as she recalled what happened next.

"I got the handcuff keys from his pocket and unlocked the cuffs from the bed. I wanted to cuff both his arms, but I couldn't risk him waking up while I tried so I just cuffed one wrist to the bed frame."

Fin pictured Lewis slumped over on the floor and relived his body twitching as he bled.

"I made sure there wasn't anything near him, I—I pushed the bag away. I walked over to check and saw the car was really gone..." She felt the disappointment as acutely as she had in the cabin and her face crumpled. "I could feel that my legs were going to give out, so I sat on the couch."

Her breathing started to become labored again as her mind started to replay their last encounter. "I should've just left then…"

"Why didn't you?" Fin asked.

Olivia felt panicked and suffocated, feeling as if she was still staring listlessly at the dust, frozen in time. She had to explain, they needed to know she didn't want this. "I wanted to leave, Fin, I wanted to go, I swear, but I still needed to know where the car was, there weren't any phones! I needed to know!"

Fin realized his mistake and nodded quickly, "I know, I know, I get it Liv, you did good. Did he tell you where the car was?"

"No, no of course not." Olivia shook her head. "Just that it was miles from the cabin." She let out a humorless laugh, teetering on the edge of hysterical once more. "When he told me that, I planned on just waiting for you there, you know. There. With **him** ," she spat. "But no. Lewis likes to talk."

The words filled the two men with dread. When she stayed silent, staring off behind them, Cragen gently prompted her to continue, "What happened Liv?"

She sighed and her body sagged. "I was so tired, so—so thirsty." Oliva's tongue there was a sour taste in her mouth as she stared down at her water glass. "Once I had some water, I was lucid enough to recognize that my body was coming out of shock," she explained. It seemed so stupid, not wanting to explain how badly she needed to pee but god she didn't want to. Her face flushed remembering how her urine ran down her leg. But she had to tell. She'd never, NEVER, voluntarily go near Lewis without a reason.

"I, uh, I had to go to the bathroom so I got up," her eyes closed and felt shame color her cheeks. "I still had the gun so I kept it trained on him as I went to go to the bathroom but Lewis—he lunged at my legs. I-I don't know why I didn't shoot—I just—I just jumped out of the way." She turned her head to the side, hiding her face. "He started laughing at me, I had, um, urinated." Olivia felt irrational anger rise up in her as she felt a tear fall. She faced them again, the anger clear on her face, "I pointed the gun at his head and he told me to shoot. He told me to kill him, but I remembered last time, how much it, it **hurt** to be brought down to his level and I—I couldn't do it. Maybe that makes me weak, I don't know…"

"No. No not at all, Liv." Fin said with conviction. She gave him a half-smile.

"Either way, I had to leave. He kept taunting me, told me I didn't have the balls to finish him off, but I just kept backing away. He got mad, started screaming at me, telling me he'd break free and hunt me down. I found my shoes next to the coat, and I put them on before leaving. I followed the road until you guys found me."

It felt anti-climatic. She'd done it. Told her story. But like last time, it didn't take away what happened.

"Are we good?" Olivia asked desperately when neither man spoke.

"Oh, yes, let me…" Cragen ended the recording and closed the camera. "Olivia…"

"Please don't." Her eyes were glistening; she was on the verge of tears. "Please, I just need to get out of here. Can you get the doctor, I want to leave. Now." Olivia couldn't look at either of them.

They couldn't argue with her now. "Okay, Liv."

She could only choke out one more sentence before the tears won. "I just… I just want to go home."


	21. Should've felt relieved

**Chapter 21. Should've felt relieved**

As Olivia stood in the lobby of her apartment building she weighed her options. On the one hand, she wasn't sure she was physically capable of taking the stairs but on the other, taking the elevator sounded like fucking hell right now. The close quarters, the confinement, the feeling of being **trapped** was not one she'd like to deal with at the moment.

Her vehement insistence along with the help of a couple of threats of lawsuit from Barba had convinced the hospital to release her far earlier than they were comfortable with, so long as Olivia agreed to come back to get her burns checked out in the following day or two. It had been a no-brainer; at that point, she would've agreed to just about anything to get the hell out of there, to get home. Even, it would seem, climb some goddamn stairs.

Just as Olivia had decided to risk it, figured that surely she could handle a couple of stairs, her body betrayed her as her partner cleared his throat. She violently startled. The simple movement had her biting back a groan as pain rippled through her body. Olivia felt the urge to let out a bitter laugh; if the universe was laughing at her, she might as well join in. Who the fuck was she kidding? She could barely stand let alone climb three flights of stairs.

Nick's uncharacteristically tentative voice brought her out of her darkly cynical thoughts. "Do you need me to grab your mail or something?"

She gave him a thin-lipped smile, "Nope. Let's just get this over with."

He nodded, his forehead crinkled with concern that he couldn't mask no matter how he tried. She gingerly stepped into the lift, trying her best to move as little as she could. When Nick moved quickly to press the small 3 that would take them to her floor, Olivia attempted a grateful smile but she was sure it probably looked like a grimace. As the doors closed, she immediately began to sweat, smelling hot metal, feeling the walls close in on her. Lewis's face swam before hers. _Don't be scared, baby. Remember, you asked for this._ The thirty-something seconds seemed to stretch out as she squeezed her eyes shut praying for it to end.

By the time the doors finally opened, her hands were violently shaking and her chest was rising and falling rapidly. Normally she would've brushed him off but she couldn't bring herself to care as Amaro let her lean on him, directing them out of the fucking tin-can they called an elevator towards her apartment. As they reached her door, the simple contact had become too much and she immediately let go of him to lean against the wall. She let him unlock the door, keeping her eyes trained on the ground before she pushed through the doorway.

Olivia brought her head up, taking a deep breath. Everything looked the same, frozen in time. She could only stand and stare, feeling like an intruder in her own home. She shouldn't have been so confused by it. The familiar sight of her well-organized apartment should've brought her comfort. She should've felt relieved. Some part of her body seemed to recognize what her mind couldn't as some of the tension in her shoulders lessened.

As she finally stepped into the living room, Nick passed her, heading towards her kitchen. "Are you hungry?"

"No."

She sat down on her couch, instinctually drawing her knees to her chest, wincing as it aggravated the burn on her hip. It hit her then how small she felt. She immediately pushed the thought away as her mind wandered to her squad. She'd been so insistent on leaving that she hadn't even seen everyone.

"Nick?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

He was there immediately, holding a glass of water she hadn't noticed him pouring. "Yeah, Liv?"

"Rollins. She'll be okay, right? With IAB?"

"Yeah, she'll be just fine." He paused to set the glass down on the coffee table and she caught a flicker of something cross his face.

"Nick?" she asked again cautiously. He knelt down, looking at her expectantly. She wasn't sure if it was guilt that had momentarily twisted his features or not but he had to know. "It's not your fault." His face crumpled and the sight was too much for Olivia who unfolded her arms to hold them out to him.

Their arms wrapped around each other as they cried, Olivia clinging to him as if he would disappear.

His voice was desperate, "I'm so sorry Liv, I'm so, so sorry."

She gripped his shirt harder in response as she sobbed into his chest, knowing his sorrow went beyond guilt.

They stayed that way until their sobs became shuddering breaths. She was the first to pull back, wiping at her face. "I'm sorry I yelled at you at the hospital. You were right, I needed the kit."

His eyes squeezed shut in pain at her words. "It's okay Liv," he paused, opening his eyes to search her face.

Olivia appeared to be steeling herself. "You can ask," she said softly.

He nodded slowly. "Did he… Did he rape you?"

_Oh, sweetheart, you're not ready at all, are you?_

"Yes."

When he went to hug her again, to hold her, she pushed him away, unable to stand the idea of physical touch as she grappled with the memories threatening to claw their way into her thoughts, threatening to pull her down until she relived the hell she now had to live with. In the end, it was Nick's gentle words that helped keep them at bay. This time at least.

"You're a survivor Liv, always have been."

She gave him a watery smile, squeezing her eyes shut to take in a shaky breath as tears rolled down her cheeks. When Olivia opened her eyes, calmer now, she saw him holding the water glass out for her to grab. She took it gratefully, spilling some down her front when she sipped at it, her hands trembling.

"It's going to be so h-hard," her voice cracked as she avoided his eye and placed the cup back down on the coffee table. Olivia once again held back a groan as she had to stretch to reach it.

His voice was gentle, "I know. But we'll be here for you. All of us, me, the squad, Barba. We'll help you get through this."

She shook her head with a rueful expression, "I can't… I can't let you do that." He gave her a look. "No, Nick. I mean it." When he opened his mouth to argue, her fists clenched and she pressed on. "You don't understand," Olivia said anger starting to bubble up in her chest, "I **can't** Nick. I need to know, I need, I—" she was stumbling over her words. "You don't understand!" She repeated, her voice raised.

Nick was caught off guard by her intensity. "You're right, I don't. I don't understand but Liv, you don't have to go this alone!"

"Stop it!" She couldn't sit anymore, her anger propelling her into an upright position while Nick looked up at her with surprise. Her free hand clutched at her shirt as her eyes flashed, "You don't understand! I had to—to sit there and tell my superior officer and one of my oldest friends, every foul, depraved, sick thing that—that **monster** did to me! Good thing IAB decided to be nice to me, to **pity** **me** or else I would've had to tell a complete stranger as well! I almost wish they hadn't so at least I wouldn't have had to watch the fucking **pain** in Fin and Cragen's eyes as I told them how he planned to b-beat me to death with a hammer! So god forbid I want to shield my friends from watching me **recover** ," she spat out the word like it was toxic, and the fight left her body, leaving only desperation and pain.

"He destroyed so much, my sense of safety, my trust in myself... All I have left is my squad and I will not let him taint that any more than he has already." Nick moved to speak but she kept going, no longer seeming aware of his presence. "I know no one will look at me the same, they'll look at me and see **him** but if I go this alone, I can at least pretend everyone has no idea how fucked up I am. I-I can pretend..." Olivia's voice trailed off as she buried her face in her hands.

"Liv," Nick pleaded softly, "Liv, look at me."

She shook her head, her face still hidden by her hands as her shoulders shook.

"Liv, no one is expecting this to be easy for you. But I can't promise to leave you alone because I just can't do it. I'm the one who left you alone, I'm the one who gave that bastard the chance—"

"It's not your fault!"

"And it's not yours either!"

The words hit her hard and she stumbled back a little. How did he do it? How did he manage to cut through her bullshit to the root of the problem every single time?

"I-I know that..." she whispered softly.

"Do you?" he retorted.

She stood there gaping at him. The walls seemed to be closing in on her as her breathing became labored.

_I'm just glad I caught you._

"I can't talk about this now, Nick," she pleaded as she relived running into Lewis, his hands grabbing her forearms. "I can't—" Olivia's hands flew to cover her mouth as she retched.

She stumbled towards her bathroom, leaving her partner stunned and panicked as she fell to her knees in front of her toilet, feeling stupid later as she dry heaved. She didn't need to worry about throwing up on her floor when there was nothing to come up in the first place.

Her partner was there for her in an instant, careful not to crowd her as her body convulsed. "I'm sorry Liv, I'm sorry."

When her body finally stopped, the tears came once more and she curled up in a ball, the cold of the tile seeping through her sweatpants.

"Please," Nick said as she looked up at him, "Please let us help you."

Her eyes closed in defeat as she nodded.

"Thank you, Liv. Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back at college so I may end this in a chapter or two but if enough people want a recovery arc I think I can be persuaded.


	22. Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A recovery arc it is!

**Chapter 22. Help**

Accepting help was never one of Olivia's strong suits. She was used to and preferred going about things on her own so she did. It was simpler that way and a point of pride for her, knowing she could handle anything thrown her way. Even the last time, after those four days, she'd only really allowed Brian to help her before they'd inevitably fallen apart.

She stayed on the couch that night unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time, long after Nick had helped her up from the bathroom floor with gentle hands. She vaguely recalled him asking her to do something before he walked out the door early that morning, Olivia having caved in to his pleas to let him stay the night, but even now she couldn't remember what she'd agreed to; his words had gone right over her head as she simply nodded and said yes whenever he stopped talking, all the while staring straight ahead praying for him to leave. When he had, she'd cried.

When Olivia heard the knock on the door less than an hour later, she expected Nick again, thinking he'd forgotten something, but instead, she found Rafael who quickly explained that he'd come to take her to the hospital "as her legal representative, of course." She hadn't even protested, too exhausted from battling nightmares all night to care. She let him in with a weak smile while she grabbed some shoes, the simple act of pulling them on causing goosebumps to spread across her skin as she relived the brisk forest air and the crunch of gravel under her feet— _Thank god I have my shoes_ —her breathing becoming labored as she fought the urge to flee before her friend's voice brought her back to the present. Olivia's heart rate slowed as she listened to Barba complain about chatty cab drivers in a way that made her feel like he still thought of her as the same Olivia from two days ago ( _fuck only two?_ ). If he noticed her temporary fear, he hid it well. He didn't even try to argue otherwise when she moved towards the stairs and it was this above all made it easier to accept his help later when she'd sunk on to the steps, her body unable to continue without a break.

When Olivia got to the hospital, she braced herself for a drawn-out procedure where the doctors would poke and prod but it became clear that they had remembered Barba—and his threats of suing them—when they completed the check-up in under an hour, something for which Olivia was incredibly grateful. Her body, obviously, was still sore, her burns smarting if she moved the wrong way, her bruising darker and more pronounced, but in the end, the doctors seemed happy with her lack of infection and her progress, no matter how minimal it was. When they finally bid her farewell with more medical supplies and promises of sending all relevant medical information to a hospital closer to the city, there was a mutual feeling of relief for both parties. They'd never have to deal with Barba, and Olivia would never have to see the inside of that dreaded hospital ever again. For that, she breathed easier.

The ride back to the city was definitely easier than the ride to the hospital and just as quiet but by the time Barba and Benson got back to her apartment building late that afternoon, Olivia was on the verge of collapse both physically and emotionally. The combination of her intense relief to be home mixed with the prospect of riding up that fucking elevator was the last straw and to her great embarrassment, she finally broke down sobbing as soon as the elevator doors closed. As Barba held her, supporting the weight her legs could no longer hold, all she could do was apologize over and over while he whispered kind words that fell on deaf ears. All she heard was Lewis before she was lost to hysteria.

_I bet they were just waiting for you to fall apart._

She woke with a cry, unable to remember when or how she'd gotten on the couch. A blanket was twisted around her body as her heart pounded, her breaths coming out in sharp pants. She let out a little cry to see Rafael dozing off in the armchair nearest to her, his silhouette morphing into William Lewis, before relaxing as he let out a little grunt when he turned his head. She was safe. When he didn't stir, Olivia painfully curled up into a ball under the blanket, her eyes trained on her friend as she tried to calm herself by matching her breathing with his. Before long, she had fallen asleep once more.

That night brought with it a new type of nightmare, the first of what would soon become many. It was a sinister, vivid dream that trapped her with _him_ , kept her tied to that bed, but a dream that stole away the fear that could wake her. A nightmare that made it so she woke up not only with the intense feeling of violation she was becoming used to but also with shame, leaving her wondering what was wrong with her because she should've felt **something** reliving that hell. She should've woken up screaming as she dreamt of his fingers pushing into her, scratching at her insides so she'd twist in agony. She should've woken up crying as he bit her breasts and whispered vile things in her ears about how good she tasted. She should've woken up!

Olivia didn't sleep after that.

* * *

Olivia sat across from Dr. Lindstrom trying not to focus on the overwhelming familiarity of the situation as she searched for how to start. Lewis's gleeful face swam before her. _If they looked at you different last time, imagine what they'll be thinking about you now?_ Her throat stung as she swallowed bile.

Her voice cracked as she spoke, "It was w-worse this time." Lindstrom nodded slowly, waiting for her to continue. "I don't—" her face crumpled, her hand rising to cover her mouth. Her voice was muffled and hoarse, "I don't know if I can… How I could…"

"How you could get past this?" he filled in softly.

She nodded, her hand dropping to cradle her sprained wrist. "I still can't wrap my head around it. It doesn't seem real. That he's dead," Olivia's eyes grew distant, "He promised to break free, said he'll come after me again. He's in my head."

"He's not anywhere. Lewis is dead, Olivia," Lindstrom said firmly, cocking his head to catch her eyes, "He can't get to you anymore."

"I know…" she sighed, "I know."

"How did he die?" he asked gently.

Olivia's voice was strained, "Amanda shot him. He bled out in the ambulance."

Lindstrom nodded thoughtfully, "Have you talked to her about it?"

She shook her head, her face twisting with distress, "No. What do I even say to her? How can I—How can I **thank her** for something like this?"

"Is that something you want to do?" he asked.

She leaned forward in defeat, "Yes? No? I don't know," Olivia paused as she pulled herself up, coming to a decision. "Either way, I need to know what happened. I need to know the details."

"The details are important to you," he stated, the question obvious by his tone of voice.

"Yes, I need to know what he told them, what they know!" she said emphatically.

"Why?"

Olivia stared at him, mouth slightly agape. "What?"

Lindstrom was unfazed. "Why do you need to know what they know?"

"I—!" Her voice failed her and she gripped her shirt. As Lindstrom went to speak, her anger flared, "I care because I am a NYPD Sergeant. A NYPD Sergeant of the Special Victims Unit of Manhattan who allowed herself to be **kidnapped** and—" her eyes squeezed shut as her words were cut off by a strangled groan.

His voice was impossibly gentle, "And?"

She glared at him, not wanting to incite the memories she'd been pushing away, "What do you think?"

"I don't know what to think, Olivia."

His calm face was grating on her nerves. "He raped me okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"You can only begin to heal when—"

"I KNOW!"

Olivia was breathing hard, her eyes dilated, her hands shaking as Lewis's voice rang through her mind. _All they'll remember you as is a victim. My victim._ She could smell his smoke in her face, his hands twisted in her hair. Him on top of her…

She spat the words out in a desperate attempt to quell the panic rising in her chest, "I t-thought I was g-going to die."

Dr. Lindstrom leaned forward, "Look at me, Olivia." Her eyes were red, her cheeks wet. "You survived."

After a beat, Olivia tore her eyes away from his, still shaking. "But at what cost?"

* * *

Her opportunity to talk to Amanda came much sooner than anticipated.

As the week passed, Olivia found herself adjusting to a sleepless schedule, choosing to battle her mind while conscious instead of spending her nights with **him** after she'd endured another emotionless nightmare her second night at home. She survived by catching a few hours of sleep here or there during the daylight hours between the various doctor's visits, every day sessions with Dr. Lindstrom, and the daily "meetings" she now had with one or more of her colleagues.

At first, Olivia hadn't noticed but it soon became apparent that they'd clearly developed some sort of rotating timetable to check up on her, always around early dinner time and always with some snack or meal for her to pick at unenthusiastically. It was only her exhaustion (and her promise to Amaro) that kept her from protesting these meetings. Besides, these meetings were the only things keeping her functioning, she'd commented dryly to her partner the day earlier. It hadn't taken long to discover that he was one of the few people she was able to completely drop her guard with, sharing more about her mental state with him than anyone other than Lindstrom.

By now, she'd seen everyone except her captain and Rollins. Olivia had been surprised by the sharp pain in her chest when she'd seen Fin, remembering the look in his eyes as she told him what Lewis did to her. Luckily the ache had been dulled by the arrival of Munch who came bearing her favorite sandwich from the diner near the precinct. This, unfortunately, couldn't make up for that fact that conversation had been halted and stiff, Olivia's discomfort blatantly clear. They hadn't stayed long.

Barba was by almost too often but Olivia couldn't find it within herself to complain or send him away when he came, growing used to his commentary and dry humor that always managed to bring at least a couple smiles to her face. It was simple and easy with him. Doing what she did best, Olivia naturally wondered when this would end.

At the knock on her door, Olivia shoved her sheets from her legs before she stood up from where she'd been slipping in and out of a restless doze on the couch. She hadn't touched her bed since before. Gathering up and tossing the sheets in the closet like she did every time someone came knocking, Olivia plastered on a decidedly less miserable expression (a smile was an impossibility at the moment) that became one of surprise. She wasn't sure who she was expecting when she opened her apartment door but it wasn't Rollins. As Amanda gave her a timid smile, Olivia backed into her apartment awkwardly.

"Oh. Amanda, uh, come in."

"Thanks, Liv," Amanda said stepping in with a nervous air. The two women rarely spent time together outside of the precinct and never just the two of them. This would've been awkward even without the Lewis-shaped elephant in the room.

Olivia went into autopilot. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"No, I'm okay."

"Okay." There was an awkward pause. "Is… Is everything okay?"

Amanda was quick to appease her, "Yes! Yes, I just… I wanted to tell you that IAB officially declared his death as a justifiable homicide." When Olivia's expression didn't change, she pressed on. "I know Nick said you had asked about it, I just wanted you to hear it from me."

Olivia nodded slowly, "Okay… Good," she was staring at nothing, "Good," she repeated, a little louder. As Rollins opened her mouth to speak, Olivia turned to her with an intense gaze. "What happened? How—How did Lewis die? I need to hear it. Please."

Amanda's reply was immediate and sure. She had obviously been expecting this. "He pretended to be unconscious. When I went to check his pulse, he grabbed my wrist holding my gun. I shot him." Amanda stated.

Olivia, listening with rapt attention, spoke again. "What did he say to you?"

"Liv…"

Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. "No! I need to know!"

Amanda relented with barely disguised grief, "He said we were too late," Olivia's eyes closed briefly before the little energy she had left faded. She wandered towards the couch, using touch to locate it and sit down gingerly.

"Did he…? Say anything else?"

Olivia couldn't see her face as Amanda lied, "No."

"Okay." Silence fell. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, Olivia," Amanda said, ignoring her guilt.

"Still. Thanks."


	23. Too far gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been too long I know! Tell that to my professors my friends, being a double chem and bio major means lots of classes and lots of lab reports that demand my attention. Enough about that, thank you to everyone who's liked, reviewed, and followed, you guys are the best! This chapter is a little short but I like it. The way Lewis died demanded that Olivia have this scene, plus who doesn't love some Olivia/Amaro friendship angst, right? Enjoy!

**Chapter 23. Too far gone**

Other than Amaro, no one knew she was here. She probably shouldn't be (something Nick had been quick to point out) but Olivia had to see for herself and, for obvious reasons, he seemed unable to argue with her at the moment. Despite the fact she was getting what she wanted—well, less "wanted" and more desperately needed—her "victory" was dulled by the sliver of pity she'd seen on his face. Before now, he would've fought her on it, pushed her to see how detrimental it could be, but alas. Those days were gone. It was obvious that he didn't want to push her when she was clearly teetering along the line between broken and shattered. A bitter, twisted part of her resented him for it. It was this resentment, among many other reasons, that had driven her to insist that he stay outside.

"Are you sure you want to be here?" Dr. Warner asked surveying Olivia's unnaturally tense stance and the way she was resolutely avoiding eye contact with her.

"Yes." Olivia's hands were clenched as she stared down at the blue cloth. Her tone left no room for discussion as she pressed forward, "Cause of death?"

"Exsanguination," Melinda watched her with an almost imperceptible wariness that Olivia could still pick up on, "When Rollins shot him, the bullet chipped his rib and a shard of bone pierced his lung. Between that and the blood loss from both gunshot wounds…"

Olivia nodded robotically as she swallowed bile. She needed to see it.

"Can you…?"

Melinda hesitated slightly before she gave a sharp nod and pulled the cloth back from where it draped over his face.

Lewis was pale in death. She stared incomprehensively at his face and a part of her registered that she felt none of the relief she'd been expecting. She'd forgotten how to breathe momentarily; Olivia sucked in a breath, eyes zeroing in on the cut and bruising on his face as she relived hitting him over and over with the gun—or was it a metal rod? Red. Her vision was tinged with red. Her heart was in her throat and she was choking on it. _God, there was so much blood._

Melinda went to touch her shoulder before thinking better of it; she cleared her throat instead. Olivia jumped at the noise, her eyes flicking towards her colleague before they were pulled like a magnet back to the dead face of her attacker. She opened her mouth, intending to speak, but nothing came out. She seemed unable to tear her eyes from his face. Her heart was pounding, her body sure he was seconds from sitting up with his devilish grin or maybe rather a furious snarl.

A part of her questioned her sanity when she heard his voice. _Did you think I would just disappear Olivia? I told you I'd never stop._ She wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head frantically, feeling as exposed as she'd been in that cabin. A part of her fought back, _No!_ _You're dead. DEAD!_

While Melinda had no idea what was going through Olivia's mind, her visceral fearful reaction caused fury to rise in her chest and her jaw clenched before she quickly covered the dead bastard's face with the sheet once more. Olivia's hands were shaking now. Her anger yielded to her concern as Melinda tried to catch Olivia's eye; her voice was hesitant as she tried to pull her from her thoughts. "Are you okay, Olivia?"

Her head snapped around to stare at Melinda, face twisted with a combination of lingering fear and surprise. Her question had shocked Olivia out of her stupor. No one else had dared ask her that yet, at least not that directly. Between her sharp glares whenever they tried to ask and their years of experience of her being "fine," her squad seemed to realize she couldn't... couldn't answer that question right now. Sure, she could volunteer that she wasn't okay but they weren't supposed to ask. Leave it to Melinda to throw her through a loop.

_Am I okay?_

_Yeah, Olivia are you okay?_ His voice hissed in her ear unbidden, mocking and threatening, _Oh, sweetheart..._ _God, you're pathetic._

"I—" Her voice caught. She couldn't— _What was happening?_ His voice was in her head but his body was on the table in front of her. "I, uh—" she swallowed a gag. Olivia could feel herself beginning to spiral. She could feel it in the way her face was red with heat, the way her body was frozen in place but poised to flee, the way her chest felt worryingly tight. She could smell her burnt flesh, her skin crawling feeling the sweat and grime on her body but the lighting was fluorescent and the floor white and tiled. She felt numb, detached from herself as she tried to figure out what was real and what was her mind playing tricks. Olivia felt almost as if she was watching herself speak rather than doing it herself when she managed to choke out "I'm—I'm going to go."

Whatever response Dr. Warner had was lost to the panic clouding Olivia's mind as she stumbled out of the room needing to see the sky above her, needing to know she escaped.

She barely registered how her partner jumped up from a chair in the small waiting area with a concerned cry as he took in her panicked face."Liv!"

Melinda, who had been struck dumb by Olivia's sudden retreat, felt a wave of relief at the sound of Amaro's voice as she pushed through the doors behind Olivia. She stood in the doorway watching as Olivia fell in his arms while he mouthed "Go" to her; she reluctantly backed away, concern flooding her face.

While Nick's voice had eased Melinda somewhat, it did little for Olivia. She was too far gone.

Her breaths were short and her eyes were darting back and forth, searching for what, Nick didn't know. He tried to look at her face but she kept it buried in his chest, "Liv, where do you want to go?"

Somehow his words registered with the small part of her mind that was still functional. Her voice was muffled, "Out. I need—" _Do you need help?_ The words came unbidden, unlocking the doors and letting the floodgates open. Her body went rigid as the memory took hold.

 _His head was cocked to the side, leering at her with hooded eyes while her body screamed, every discomfort begging to be heard, intensified by the pressure on her bladder. Her body reflexively jerked at the now-familiar sound of duct tape ripping before he spoke._ All that vodka right? _The vodka... She reeked of it. His expression darkened._ Let's go. _Her heart skipped at the order, her hands trapped underneath her body, her hair stuck to the sweat on her face. Her eyes were having trouble focusing, mind foggy from the drugs and alcohol, but that didn't matter as she struggled to get up, afraid of his anger if she failed. His face swam before hers with a lustful dangerous expression that caused her breath to catch and her body to falter. He smirked._ Do you need help? _he whispered._ I can help you. _And suddenly, God, h_ _is hands were everywhere, dizziness stealing away her sense of direction, the metal of her gun on her cheek, please no—"_

The warmth and heaviness of his hands on her forearms brought her back, the sensation surprisingly grounding. Nick, apparently, had slowly drawn her away from him; he was kneeling in front of her now, trying to get her to see him, his hands steady but firm. His voice managed to register some over the vivid memories and sharp sensations that were bleeding into her present. "Liv, Olivia, I need you to focus on where you are, you're safe now Liv. Tell me where you are, describe it."

She shook her head frantically, "I don't—Tile. Tile floors. Doors," Her eyes continued to dart around, marginally slower than before. "A hallway." She finally looked him in the eyes and sucked in a shuttering gasp, her eyes no longer dull with panic. She was with him now. Her voice was rough with emotion, "He's really dead, Nick."

"He is. He's dead Liv." Her face crumpled and her hands rose to cover her mouth. His voice was soft as she let out a sob, "C'mon. Let's get out of here." He held his hand out to her, sensing that anything else would be too much but doing nothing would be too little.

She took his hand without question, following her partner with blind trust. Like he'd said so many times before, he had her back. Always did.


	24. You know that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice Barba/Benson friendship chapter this time (or not friendship if that's what you like. Read whichever way you'd like, I'll keep things ambiguous for now). Hope everyone is staying safe. Enjoy!

Most of her bruises were gone now. Olivia twisted her head to the side as she stared at her blurred reflection in the mirror; it was foggy from the warm moisture in the air. Maybe it was this that made it easier to look at herself, this fog. Or maybe she was just getting used to the changes.

Olivia frowned deeply at herself, running her finger along the burn just below her jaw. She hated it. A small voice she likened to Dr. Lindstrom reasoned with her. _It will fade, Olivia. You know that._ The puckered skin was already starting to turn from an angry red to deep pink. She dropped her hand from her jaw with a scowl, anger flaring. _Sure, fine. It'll fade. But it will still be there._

The prominence of this burn was mocking. She could hide the rest, cover them, attempt to pretend they weren't there. But this one… It was right there. It demanded her attention. She knew from prior experience how it would look when it was healed. Raised, pink, and just noticeable enough to remind anyone who knew her what happened every time they looked at her.

She tore her eyes from the mark and let her eyes wander downwards, recklessly following the reflection of a drop of water as it dripped from her wet hair and traveled along the curve of her collarbone. A part of her wondered if she was ready to really look at herself just yet.

It'd been a week and a half since she stumbled out of that cabin landing on her hands and knees in the gravel and until now, she hadn't dared to look at her body for any longer than she absolutely had to.

She'd discussed this with Dr. Lindstrom at their last session.

_"I can't bring myself to—to look at myself. To really look at my body."_

_"Why do you think that is?"_

_"I… I don't want to look at my body and feel his."_

_"How do you know that would happen? Have you tried?"_

_"No. No, but that's not it. I also—I don't want to see the aftermath just yet."_

And she still didn't want to. But then again... Olivia's eyes narrowed, stubbornness winning over her anxiety. She couldn't let that bastard win. She couldn't. Olivia dropped the towel wrapped around her body.

Her reflection was clouded but the condensation on the glass could only hide so much. The dichotomy between her pale skin and the multitude of dark red burns and scabbed over cuts and bite marks was jarring, forming a blurred mosaic of white and red. Olivia sucked in a breath, squeezing her eyes shut at the sight. Her legs started to tremble and she shook her head frantically, turning away from the mirror with a sinking feeling reminiscent of defeat, hating herself as she felt his hands on her. She'd been right to be anxious. She sunk onto the ground, wrapping her arms around herself as the memories took over once more.

* * *

Barba could tell something was off when she opened the door. Olivia's hair was damp, her shoulders tense. Her eyes were red and avoided his. Her hands were trembling. Even more telling, when she spoke, her voice was cold and curt.

"Why are you here?"

His eyebrows shot up, a little surprised. Every time he'd been with her so far, Olivia had been subdued and quiet, her exhaustion obvious. This anger was new. A part of him felt relieved. Lewis hadn't taken her fight.

"Since when do I need a reason?" he teased lightly, hoping humor would be the right move here. His stomach dropped as she glared at him. "Liv…" his voice became softer, almost pleading, "Please let me in."

Her eyes dropped to the floor. "Fine."

She stepped out of the way as he entered, his eyes immediately drawn to the blankets on the couch that she hadn't bothered to hide this time.

Olivia closed the door behind him. "I don't have a doctor's appointment today, Barba, you don't have to be here."

He turned to face her. "What if I want to be here?"

"Why?!" she cried, causing Rafael to jump a little at her sudden outburst. Her face was twisted with confusion and grief, "Why do you want to be here?" She brought her hand up to her face, rubbing at her eyes before she dropped it, staring the shocked man down. "Tell me. Is it pity? Is it guilt? Why are you here?"

His anger flared at her words as he scowled. "First of all, I could never **pity** you, Olivia," he spat out the word with disgust while she blinked in surprise at his vehemence. "I would think by now you'd know that." When her expression didn't change, his face softened at her continued confusion. His voice became gentle, "You are the strongest person I know, Liv. My best friend. To pity someone as strong as you would be disrespectful. So no. I'm not here out of pity."

He paused to let the words sink in before continuing, "As for guilt, yes. I feel guilty but—"

Her eyes flashed with anger as she interrupted him. "I kn—!"

"Liv! Let me finish."

When her eyes narrowed, he shot her a look and pressed on, "I feel guilty. Of course I do, it's my fault he got to you the first time. I should've put him away so he never got the chance to hurt you. But how could you say I'm here out of guilt?" Rafael looked hurt now and Olivia's heart clenched, "How could you think that? I'm here because I care about you, Liv, not because I feel some sense of—of **obligation** or something. You know that right?"

Olivia blinked back tears as he reached for her hands, careful of her healing wrist.

Her voice was small and thick with tears, "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's okay."

She nodded.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly.

She gave a noncommittal jerk of her head, shrugging. "I—I don't know." She paused, trying to find the words. When she finally spoke, her voice was rough, "I can't… I can't look at myself. Anymore. Not without… I just—I hate it!" Olivia's face was stormy again. "He burned me and cut me and—and **bit** me, and now I have to live with it. The scars won't go away."

Rafael's heart broke for her.

"You would think the larger burns would be the worst to deal with, and in a lot of ways they are, but at least they can be hidden. I don't know why the one on my jaw... hurts so much. I hate how you can see it." Olivia shook her head ruefully as she let out a bitter humorless laugh. "God it's so stupid. He held my burning badge to my skin for so long you can literally read my badge number on my hip and I care more about this one cigarette burn on my jaw."

Olivia absentmindedly rubbed at her wrist as her eyes grew distant.

 _The smell of her burnt flesh was nausiating but the worst of it was still coming. She'd seen the wire, her badge. Lewis glared down at her with those tongs and she squeezed her eyes shut out of sheer terror. His voice was dangerous._ No. Eyes on me Olivia. _She reluctantly opened them, it would only be worse if she didn't. He was towering over her lowering the tongs to her leg and then all was red. Pain everywhere. Every raw nerve screaming. Or was that her screaming? No god stop please, no, no, no_ —

"Olivia!"

Her eyes snapped open, her heart in her throat. As she regained control over her breathing, she vaguely recognized her cheeks were wet.

Rafael spoke softly, "Hey, hey come here," he motioned at her to sit on the couch. She allowed him to guide her there, tears blurring her vision.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—I'm sorry."

He waved her apology away. "It's okay Liv."

"Is it?" She ran her fingers along her jaw again, her self-conscious disgust clear.

As he knelt before her, Rafael weighed whether or not he wanted to say what was on his mind. The words spilled from his mouth unbidden before he could consciously decide.

"I think you're beautiful."

Olivia's mouth dropped open in shock. "What?"

"I think you're beautiful," he repeated, "Scars," he gestured at her jaw, "or otherwise." He seemed utterly unfazed by her surprise, though his cheeks were a little pink.

Olivia was at a loss for words, still gaping at him. She had not expected that response.

The sight of her battered body in that foggy mirror haunted her as she spoke, "But—"

"Stop that. I mean it." Rafael had that stubborn look on his face she knew so well and any disagreement she had died in her mouth. Fuck. He really meant it.

"Okay."

Silence fell over the two until Rafael pushed off from the floor, looking for her okay to sit next to her. She nodded.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, "How's your wrist doing?"

She looked at him with mild annoyance, "I'm fine Rafael. Can we not talk about me?"

"Okay," there was a pause before a crooked smile spread over his face. She looked at him curiously at the expression.

"What is it, Rafa?"

His grin grew, "Oh nothing…"

She turned her body to face him, wiping at any residual tears, "You're such a bad liar, Barba. What is it?"

"I think Fin and Rita are seeing each other."

Olivia startled. "What?!"

He turned to her with a mischievous grin. "Rita let it slip she has Fin's personal number."

His amusement was contagious and despite it all, she found the corners of her mouth twitching upwards. She poked at his chest. "You're making this up to distract me."

He gasped with an exaggeratedly wounded expression, "Never! I couldn't make this up. I only just remembered the other day when I saw Rita was opposing counsel for a case."

She was fully smiling now, "And you waited to tell me til now why?! You better not be lying!"

He shook his head, "To you? Never."

She gave him a soft smile that he returned with an embarrassed one of his own before he started up on this latest bit of gossip. Olivia listened with a lightness in her chest focusing on his excited gestures as Rafael enthusiastically speculated about their colleagues and friends. She didn't speak much only adding her own comments when he stopped to draw a breath. He ended up staying late into the evening that night, drawing more and more of Olivia out of her newly formed shell until she laughed like she used to.

Olivia would realize later that night hours after he'd left that Rafael had managed to do what the others couldn't seem to do; he'd listened to her, talked about _him_ even but he still managed to helped her forget if only for an evening. For that she was grateful.


	25. "Fine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I apologize for the month-long wait there, the time really slipped away from me between my classes and my other fic. I've been so focused on that one that it took a bit to get back into the headspace for this but I got there. Let's see how Olivia is coping with everything. As always, constructive criticism is welcome! Enjoy...

**Chapter 25. "Fine"**

Olivia was having a hard time learning to appreciate the small victories.

"Okay but 'victory' isn't the right word," she'd argued to Dr. Lindstrom, leaning forward in her chair while her leg bounced, "We all know who won here and it wasn't me."

He'd simply shot her a look, refusing to dignify that last part with a response before answering, "What would you call it then, if not a victory?"

She'd been stumped. "I—I don't know."

And now, a week later, she still didn't know despite the fact these small triumphs were becoming more common than not. She noticed it most during the day, and more shockingly when she was alone. Somehow it was then that she'd have those small moments where she'd be doing something mundane before suddenly realizing she hadn't thought of _him_ in hours. Hell, just the other day she'd managed to sleep the entire night without waking up from some nightmare or another.

"I'm pissed, Nick. I mean, have I really changed that much?" she'd asked, the following afternoon, "To be **proud** of sleeping through the night?"

When it came down to it, it was just hard to see something as small as that as progress because as far as she was concerned, it was pathetic to be proud of moments like these. Pathetic to call those times she didn't jump when a noise startled her or flinch when someone moved unexpectedly "victories." And yet… they were.

"But does it really matter?" she'd asked Dr. Lindstrom, having explained to him how she'd taken this so-called "victory" as a sign, finally making the move from her couch to her bed. The transition, unfortunately, had been… rough and she couldn't help but kick herself for thinking she could do this. "Sure, I had one night where my exhaustion caught up to me but I still can't sleep in my own fucking bed without being reminded of how he tied me down to that one." She ran her hand down her face, shivering slightly as she relived cold metal on her wrists. "It's always one step forwards, two steps back—," Her head shot up, pointing at her therapist before he could speak, "And **don't** say healing isn't linear! I know that. I just... I'm supposed to be stronger than this."

And yet she felt so weak. She'd made the mistake of complaining about it to Rafael who'd quickly countered her pessimistic point of view.

"Why are you being so hard on yourself, Liv?" Rafael had asked while she'd avoided his gaze, picking at the takeout he'd brought for them, "It's been less than a month since he took you. No one but you, apparently, expects for you to be okay right now."

No one but her was true. It went against her nature to be kind to herself, to cut herself some slack. So she didn't, pushing herself to get better, to get back to normal with a stubbornness that left no room for failure. A stubbornness that led her here now, pausing in front of the precinct doors.

Was she ready for this? Probably not.

Lewis's voice whispered maliciously in her ear _, Still trying to prove you aren't scared to your cop buddies, Detective?_

 _Sergeant! Sergeant, not Detective!_ Olivia shook her head, clenching her jaw as she pushed through the doors. She could do this.

The familiarity of the precinct lobby was equally soothing and disarming as Olivia focused on getting to the elevators without drawing too much attention. Her heart was in her throat as she beelined it for the elevators, choosing not to look too closely at anyone in case they were looking at her. By the time the doors opened, her skin was crawling and she was already regretting her decision to come here.

The feeling only intensified as three other people entered the elevator. The two men talking, they ignored her but the other… she watched as recognition flashed on his face. This had happened last time, too; her face had once again been splashed all over the news. The man saw her looking, flushing as he tore his eyes from her awkwardly. Heat rose to her cheeks as she swallowed heavily.

This was a bad idea.

_I told you, sweetheart._

In reality, it must've been less than a minute, but it felt like hours by the time the door opened. She sucked in a deep breath trying to steady herself before exiting. The familiar hallway seemed so much longer than she remembered… Shit, should she leave? Before anyone saw—

"Liv?!" Amaro's incredulous voice cut her off and she froze.

She nervously pushed her hair from her face, "Nick. Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

Olivia immediately bristled, her nerves too shot to calm herself. "I work here, Amaro, in case you forgot."

"But—?"

"Olivia?" Her captain turned the corner, his surprise evident in his voice.

"Hey Cap," she said awkwardly, not quite meeting his eyes, "Could we speak?"

Olivia didn't miss the way Nick's eyebrows rose higher as his eyes flicked between his partner and the captain. She hadn't told him she was planning to talk to Cragen.

The captain didn't hesitate, "Of course Liv," he replied, "My office?"

"Please."

As the captain turned, Olivia stole a glance at Amaro whose concern was palpable and did nothing to help with the stabs of anxiety gnawing at her stomach. Her forehead crinkled with confusion at his worry. He couldn't possibly think she was here to quit, did he? As she went to follow the captain, she shot him a look that screamed "Later!" Hopefully, she would have good news to tell him.

She kept her eyes resolutely fixed on Cragen's back as she followed him through the bullpen, eager to avoid the pitying stares of her fellow officers. Without her permission, however, her eyes instinctively flicked over to her desk which remained untouched as far as she could tell. The gesture made her breath catch and squeezed at her heart. They'd left it for her. She needed to know she'd be able to come back to it.

Despite her efforts to avoid her colleagues' stares, Olivia still caught a glimpse of Fin and Rollins who looked equally confused and concerned to see her there.

Lewis whispered in her ear, _Aw look, Olivia, they wanna know if you're okay…_

_Shut up._

Olivia ducked her head away from them, hating how her eyes burned as she picked up her pace. To her relief, the blinds in his office were already down as she entered, Cragen closing the door behind her before turning to face her.

"Olivia. How've you been?"

As their eyes met, it hit her that she hadn't seen her captain since her statement, since she had told him everything. The realization made the air seem heavier as she pushed aside the thought and gave him a weak smile, shrugging her shoulders.

"It's been hard," she said softly, "but I'll get there."

"I have no doubts," Cragen said quietly. He paused, cocking his head at her before his spoke, his voice decidedly probing, "Why are you back so early, Olivia?"

She closed her eyes briefly, steeling herself. "I just needed to know," she paused, searching for the words, "I can come back, right?" Her voice grew more desperate, "1PP... Will they let me come back to SVU after—" her voice cracked, "After everything?"

Lewis laughed softly in her ear, _Come on baby, you can say it. After I raped you._ Her stomach rolled as goosebumps spread along her skin. She stared the captain down as he cleared his throat.

Cragen had been expecting this. He nodded slowly, "You can."

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, a genuine smile crossing her face.

He wasn't finished. "But—" Her stomach dropped, "—After you're initially cleared, the higher-ups want you to pass bi-monthly psyche evals for your first year back."

Olivia paused, absorbing this most recent information with a vacant expression.

Bi-monthly psyche evals. It… could be worse. It could be worse.

Even Lewis didn't have anything to say.

"Okay. Good."

The captain cautiously nodded, watching her intently. She looked distant and detached.

"Olivia?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You know," he said conversationally, "whenever you say that I can't help but wonder what your definition of fine is."

Olivia turned to him in surprise to see his warm, gently teasing smile. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards involuntarily.

"That's understandable," she said softly, "but really Cap. I'm fine with this. It's, uh, it's probably a good idea."

Cragen gave her a searching look, nodding in agreement. "Okay. We'll be glad to have you back Olivia. Just... Just promise me you won't rush this."

She shook her head, "I won't."

A comfortable silence fell over them as Olivia took a deep breath to steady herself. The tension in her shoulders slowly melted away, stripping her of the anxious drive that had been her fuel, leaving her empty and spent. She felt a wave of exhaustion crash over her body. God, she didn't want to leave his office just yet.

"Whatever you're thinking," Cragen said suddenly, making her jump, "About what everyone thinks of you... You're wrong."

"And what would that be?" Olivia asked defensively, "What I'm thinking."

"That we think less of you. That we think you're a bad cop or that you can't defend yourself."

Her face twisted with grief, "Twice captain. He got me tw—"

"Stop that." His words were harsh and angry as she flinched. "That-That **bastard** ," he spat the word out with venom, "caught you off guard, disarmed you. He had to drug you, subdue you because he knew you would kill him if he didn't. He threatened to shoot civilians Olivia! You are a hero."

Her eyes were burning again with unshed tears as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

He wasn't done yet, "All of us, me, the squad, we don't think less of you. If anything, we respect you more because you survived. You **survived**."

His eyes were glistening now, staring at her with a haunting intensity that scared her.

"C-Captain?"

"I was so scared Olivia."

Fuck. They were both crying now.

Before she could stop to think, her arms were around him, "No, don't think about—Cap, I'm here now, I'm fine."

"I know."

After a moment, she pulled back, wiping at her eyes as he did the same. She gave him a crooked, watery grin, "Always am, right?"

He let out a little chuckle, raising his eyebrow at her. "Is that so?" he asked, shaking his head. "When you come back I'm getting you a dictionary."

Olivia rolled her eyes before her smile faded. "Thank you. For everything." He said nothing, just nodding deeply at her. As their eyes locked, Olivia felt her chest tighten. The compassion in his eyes was suddenly too much; everything threatened to overwhelm her once more. "I should—I should go."

He looked a little surprised but stepped back to give her space, sensing an alteration in her mood, "Okay. It was good seeing you Liv."

"Yeah, yeah it was."

"Take care of yourself."

"I will."


End file.
